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Broken?

My dad died when I was little, before I even knew him, so I grew up fatherless. I pretend like this didn't damage me, but I have serious "daddy issues". When I was 8 my mother got cancer and died when I was 11. I also bottled all of this in because I didn't want anyone to think I was crazy, and I wanted to prove I was strong and could deal with anything. When I was 14, my grandfather who was my guardian along with my grandma, died as well. I've tried so hard to not think like this but I am terrified that everyone is going to leave me, cause so many people I loved already have. I cling on to people, praying that they'll stay, and when they leave I'm a wreck. I have serious trust issues and serious fears of people leaving. All the guys I've ever been with have done nothing but hurt me and ruin my self esteem...they'd act like they cared and then they'd leave, usually with a fight. The most recent of these just ended this weekend, and of course he blamed me for being too clingy, asking too much of him, when honestly this time, I didn't. I consistently feel like I can't do anything right. I'm not good enough at anything for anyone. No matter how nice I look when I go out, someone always looks better. No matter how well I do something, someone does it better. And they're the ones who catch peoples eyes, not me. All these things that I feel and have experienced contribute to me not being able to hold relationships even though I want them more than anything. I feel so broken so much of the time.
sleepsunawareof sleepsunawareof 18-21, F 2 Responses Feb 5, 2008

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Sweetie, you just said you cling to people. Then your ex told you you were too clingy, then you said you weren't. Maybe you were? I know what it's like. But you drive people away wen you do that. you're full of fear but you need some trust or you will lose it anyway.

You've been through so much in your short life. You're right to be terrified that people are going to leave you,everyone did right?Or almost everyone. You are a strong person. You proved that just by surviving the way you've done. It sounds like deep therapy would help you hon. When you find that you'll be ok by yourself,men will gravitate to you. God Bless you. Keep writing. xo Maureen