Married To A Chef

I have been married to a chef and we had been dating for 6 years before that. When were dating, we were living apart which I think somehow made the fact that we wporked different hours really not that obvious because we had our own lives. When he proposed last year and we got married, I moved to Australia with him and then my new lonely life became very obvious to me. I spend my weekends alone without really having anyone to hang with because all my friends are spending time with their partners who they havent seen much during the week. The pay of a chef also isn't great which means that we are also struggling financially. Sometimes I really wonder if I have made the right decision. I love him very very much and personality wise, we are right for each other. I know he is the right partner for me and it is just his job that causes the problems. He doesnt really understand my feelings because he is never on the other side. Whenever he wants someone there, I am always there for him. I try to be as supportive as possible, I stay up till 11pm at night to get him from work so he doesnt have to take public transport, I continue to stay up late so I can listen to him talk about his day at work. But the end of it is, the loneliness just sometimes really gets to me and I need to find a way to not let it take over
rebeccalin rebeccalin
26-30
5 Responses Aug 8, 2010

Dear BenRR,<br />
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Just be honest. It's always best to talk sincerely but not accuse her by saying "You make me feel..." or "You do this..." It's better when you say something like, "I am lonely when you are not around because I love spending time with you. It is very important to me." <br />
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Have you ever had a serious conversation about your dreams? Maybe you can let her know that you want to have a family and be able to spend quality time with each other. If you can somehow speak to her coming from a place of love and not from a place of pain, she will listen.<br />
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You have to make a choice. We can't change our partners. Can you wait a few more years until she has her restaurant up and running? Can you live with someone who would not put her career on hold for you? We are all driven by different things. My boyfriend is ambitious and cooking is his religion while I find much pleasure in my job, but my relationships with people are much more important. We have to somehow meet in the middle and we try very hard. It's not easy. Although love itself is not enough sometimes, when it is, it does conquer all.

Tegan, I'm sorry that you are a widow. It must be really hard<br />
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I find that its just as hard that the person you love 'can' be spending time with you but they're not because their passion is elsewhere. I am dating a chef and she is working on owning her own restaurant. I can see the ambition in her eyes and I can hear it in her voice. She wont put anything above that and she knows shes going to devote many hours to the job because she says she wont be able to trust all her workers right away. <br />
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othermail - you say that you should communicate your loneliness before it snowballs.... how do you do it and what do you say? You know that they cannot or will not commit more time to you because of their job. <br />
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I don't particularly enjoy fine dining and I almost always do the home cooking for her. I know she can be the sweestest girl but it can almost seem like shes married to her job and I'm just an affair. I dont want to find things to do with my time. I have hobbies, interests and friends, but more than anything, I want a family that can be happy and together. I want a partner that I can love and we can be there for each other. I will put my career on hold for her but I know she wont for me. I don't want to just 'live with it' ... I am losing my motivation to continue .....

(Sorry this is long!) My situation is pretty similar to yours actually. We are not married but I've been dating my chef for a little bit over one year now. He recently got a promotion from sours chef to chef partner which entailed him needing to relocate to a new store - on the other side of the country.<br />
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Anyway, early in our relationship we realized that we had found our 'other half'. So when this opportunity came up he immediately asked that I move with him on this next step in his life. Since we had only been dating about 7 mos at this point it was a major decision but I knew in my heart that if I didn't go with him I'd regret it for the rest of my life. <br />
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Because I got used him working sous chef hours I've actually learned to enjoy the more steady schedule he has as a chef partner - I actually get to see him more! And by more I mean he doesn't have to close so he can get home around 9 or 10 at night. My work however has changed dramatically, I went from working in a busy city filled with amazing co-workers to working from home 9-5 alone. <br />
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The loneliness has come in waves, there are days when I love that fact that I get alone time but then there are those dreadful days when the "I hate these long hours he works" "He's so stressed out, is there anything I can do to help or will I just make it worse?" "I have no friends in this new place, what am I supposed to do?" "Its Saturday, He's working and I have off, what do I do?".<br />
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The main thing in those moments when you feel the slightest inklings of loneliness is to communicate before it snowballs into a depression because what can happen is that your feelings towards his job will be projected as your feelings towards him. They are two very different things. He understands that his schedule isn't regular or like everyone elses, he knows that it is hard on you (even if he doesn't admit it), he knows that this is a change for the both of you.<br />
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I've been trying to find things to get me out of the house to keep my mind of wandering into loneliness - www.meetup.com does have some good things on it (I don't know if its in Australia) I've also found that driving around and exploring my area helps calm me down as well. The gym is ALWAYS a great idea - especially dating a chef, I've gained some pounds I'm determined to burn off over the next few months. Make a plan :)<br />
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CantStopFalling is right - you have to get the most out of those stolen moments. Its important for the both of you to enjoy one another in the moments you have them.<br />
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Okay I think this is long enough haha - hope this helps or at least lets you know you aren't alone!

Tip #1 on loving a chef:<br />
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Can you cook? If not, or not fancy gourmet dishes at least. Tell him you want to learn. Even if you don't. You want to spend time with him and that's all that matters. Trust me, I spend more time with my man when I profess that I really want to learn how to prepare something than if I beg for weeks on end for him to take a day off. Even if I'm not that into the actual dish we're making, it still helps us make time for one another. He works upwards of 95 hours a week and we see very little of each other. But the time I invest in learning about his career, which is what he is truly passionate about, makes all the difference. <br />
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Tip #2<br />
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Find something that you can be truly passionate about yourself. If you don't have any hobbies, find one. Join a group that involves your new hobby. Maybe the hobby won't be for you, but the friends you meet along the way might. Gardening, Books, Pets, Art, or anything else that will help pass the time is a great idea. <br />
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Tip #3<br />
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Get to know the other people who work at his restaurant, they probably have wives and girlfriends that have just as difficult of a time coping with the lonely weekends. Two of my best friends are the significant others of restaurant employees whom my man has worked with.<br />
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Just remember that a chef isn't made, they are born. If your man loves his career enough to take it to this level then most likely that will never change. So just learn to get the most out of those stolen moments. Best of luck to both of you. =)

The only solace I can offer is that you are in a rather large boat with a lot of other people. Soldiers go away for a year, go home a few months, then back to war. Police and firemen have odd hours. The medical profession, well doctors and nurses are rarely home during normal hours. That doctor you see at the clinic is usually doing rounds with his hospitalized patients at night. The clerks who sell us gas and groceiries must work the shifts presented to them and their pay is the lowest on the scale. I know none of this can make you feel better,. I'm widowed, and just want you to know I would walk through hell itself just for one more minute with my loved one. I'm sorry you feel bad, and hope things get better for you.