The Man I Love May Not Be a Man

I am a 24 year old woman, and about 7 months ago I met a man who I truly believe is my soulmate. For purposes of privacy, I shall call ths man "Evann"

From the very first date, me and Evann hit it off. But Evann, who is a 26 year old man, told me from the very start he likes to cross-dress on occassion. Not as a "fetish" but he likes to dress up fully as a woman, take on a female name, and go out into public. He told me he had been doing this for the past 10 years.

Although I found it a bit odd, I was not deterred. I myself am strange, so who am I to judge anyone? I was honest to him then too. I told him that I had never known anyone who cross-dressed, but that my best friend was a lesbian, and I have no problem with homosexual, or transgender people. I actually admire them, as they pursue their true self regardless of how much society rejects such a concept, and I feel that only when a person is true to themself, can they trully be happy.

I did tell him though that as much as I respect his honesty and his decision to cross-dress, I am simply not attracted to females, and that if he is cross-dressing because he wants to be a woman, or because he identifies as a woman, I would rather be his friend than in a relationship. He told me he is only attracted to woman, and just sometimes likes to feel like one. I accepted that and our relationship took of.

I feel such a deep connection to him, but now I am getting freightened. Over the course of our relationship, I have found out through his friends that he wants to become a woman above all else. I have asked him repeatedly if this is what he wants, I need to know, and he has always told me no.

But recently he has admitted to me he is struggling with find out who he is, mainly because he is unsure if he is a man or a woman. I would be lying if I said I didn't see this coming. It seems he is afraid to embrace his true self, as he has expressed to me he knows if he wants to be a woman, I would end the relationship.

I have been trying to get the point accross to him that I only want him happy. I do NOT want him to suppress his natural feelings because he doesnt want to loose me. Honestly, I know that I could not continue a relationship with him as a woman, as I am seeking a man, I am attracted to men. Although I love the person he is, regardless of gender, I know I would inevitably seek out the attention of a man, and I do not want to do that to him.

So here is my dilema, I am scarred he is trying to ignore his feelings as identifying as a woman to salvage a relationship with me, which will evenually lead to resentment and frustration on his side. But I am also afraid that he does want to be a woman and that I will loose him. I cannot say with certainly that if he makes the transition I will leave him, I would take it one day at a time and try to keep the relationship. But I must not be ignorant to the fact that it may not work.

has anybody gone through this? am I alone? what do I do? please help me

starrhoda starrhoda
26-30, F
4 Responses Mar 16, 2009

I'm in a similar situation. I'm a lesbian but my girlfriend identifies as gender queer. She wants to be a man. I don't know if the relationship will continue when she does have her surgery but I am hoping it will because I really do love her. All I can do is take it one day at a time and hope I can stomach having a penis so close to me.

I can very much so relate to you as I hear very much the same story from my bf. He claims that his identity is not as important as I am. What, that must be fear talking. Fear of being alone or never being accepted by another woman as much as we have accepted them. If someone told me to bury my identity because they were not attracted to it I would likely tell them to take a hike. Okay maybe not me because I clearly have self esteem issues, but I would think it.<br />
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You said, "Although I love the person he is, regardless of gender, I know I would inevitably seek out the attention of a man, and I do not want to do that to him." I feel exactly the same way. I feel that when my man who I fell in love with becomes a women, and not just any women but a hyper feminine women with tonnes of make-up wigs and heels... all of which I so am not big on. I have issues with the beauty industry already and think women to be made to think of ourselves as leaky, smelly, and just plain gross unless you fit the ideal Westernized body image. I just cannot see myself embracing someone who relies on that to thrive. I am gender queer myself and think gender is a silly construction. But I am just not attracted to vanity, and like you fear I may look elsewhere for those qualities I would miss. He does not get it though. He says if you love me you love me in any form. This is true but I am attracted to somewhat feminine men and masculine women. I am different myself and not judgmental but I like what I like. I use the example to him that he claims to like and be attracted to femininity, what if I wanted to go female to male. Would he still have those same urges elicited from my appearance. I will always love what he is on the inside but I have been brutally honest with him when I say I will not be physically attracted to you when dressed fully as a woman. I feel hypocritical, I think it kinda hot when he wears his lingerie during sexual activity, but I hate the wigs and lipstick. I like his body and think it would be funny to me if suddenly it were to have big breasts. I am so struggling with this. I know this may come off as selfish or crude but in addition to what I have already said I have further concerns. I am concerned that I may start to feel inadequate. I like to be feminine, i like to straiten my hair and wear eyeliner. I like to shop for clothes and lingerie. I feel that I am scared to have to share that limelight. I know it is merely a gender role but it almost feels like competition. I ask myself is this a natural reaction to such or am I an idiot. When he gets all glam'd up I almost feel as though I need to step it up now to feel good about how I look. I feel almost threatened like he has raised the bar for me. I feel like I have said that like such an ignorant heterosexual. Has anyone else felt like this. Am I selfish to have such an emotional reaction. Am I being prejudice? Gah I feel so lost right now!

Thank you both for your great words of wisom. Carrietaylor, your story is truly inspiring and thank you so much for sharing.<br />
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He has finally admitted to me that he does want to transition into a woman. What hurt me the most is that he took so long to tell me. As our relationship progressed, I became confident that I would love him regardless of gender. After he told me, I have found I want to help him make his transition. When we would go out and he would be dressed up, he was so happy and confident. That is what I found most attractive. I support his decision and will continue to be there for him, as this is the person I am in love with.<br />
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I have found that my experience with him has helped me have a much more open mind to such a sensitive subject. He has taught me so much, and I am proud to be in a relationship with such an amazing person. He is still unsure if he wants to undergo surgery to make the full transition, but I have made it clear to him that I will support him with whatever he decides. Love is special, and where there is true love, nothing stands in the way.

Hon, I think you intuition is screaming at you and you need yto listen to it. You are a wondewrful human being to be able to accept people for who they are and deal with whatever qwirks that entails.<br />
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I am 36 and just married by best friend, and partner in dress up. I like to wear pantyhose, skirts, and lingerie. Not for fetish reasons, but because of the way I feel - sexy. My wife totally accepts and embraces this side of me and I consider myself extremly fortunate to have found her.<br />
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I do think though that your boyfriend is searching for who he is. He clearly loves you and doesn't want to lose such a wonderful person he has found. But he also has to realize that there are opposing forces here. You are attracted to men, if he were to become a woman are you supposed to become a lesbian? Sure love is about the person, but there are biological forces here we can't ignore. Just as gay men and women are born being attracted to the same sex, straight kids are born digging the opposite sex.<br />
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Its true, he may only be attracted to women. He may feel like a woman inside and express himself when he dresses... that means that if he becomes a woman he becomes a lesbian woman. If that isn't the life you want, no one can blame you.<br />
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What to do? If you really do love him and want to see him happy I would suggest seeing a therapist. He needs to come to terms with his desires or convince you that he really is happy with his male bits. It seems that guys who deny their transgender feelings seem to consider doing damage to themselves... so even if he says today he's happy being a guy you have to keep an eye out for signs leading to abuse or self mutilaton. There is enough cause to question where his head is at to require counseling before your relationship goes any farther.<br />
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If he does decide to transition you can always be friends and girlfriends... becomming a woman doesn't necessarily have to mean you are out of his life. Something I hope you can share with him.<br />
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He is having a conflict within himself right now... he won't be at peace until he can resolve the conflict and move on. He may only think he wants to be a woman, but only find out remaining male is best for him. There are several TG men who simply live as a woman and keep all their male parts intact. There are so many options, but the best way to explore them is to seek professional help so they can probe and get answers to the right questions.<br />
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Good luck!