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I Fell In Love With A Married Man Who Is My Best Friend

I am in love with a married man who had become my closest friend. I spent over fifteen years married to an emotionally and verbally abusive man who vacillated between putting me down and ignoring me in every way. My life was so excruciatingly lonely and painful. I went through years of counseling and finally got divorced. I am building my career and have two wonderful kids.

But I have felt like I have this huge hole inside of me which I thought could never go away. I assumed I would never be loved or cared for and have tried so hard to ignore that feeling. I tried to accept that maybe some people never have anyone who loves them.

I tried to meet guys online or in person. I am very attractive, smart, funny, sexy. I met a fair number of guys but I found the experience really difficult and couldn't face rejection after being rejected by the man I married who refused to sleep with me and built a huge wall of pillows between us every night. Ouch.

So, about a month before my divorce was final, I met an attractive guy at a writing seminar. I felt this weird wave, like an electrical current. We flirted a bit. He tossed me his card and said I needed to take him to lunch. I had to see him again. I called him and we started talking every day. I sent him samples of my writing. He loved it. We had lunch. We had chemistry.

We became close friends. Because he is married, we kept things as they were. He helped me tremendously work through the sad feelings I sometimes had. One night, we were talking and I started to cry. He comforted me and we started kissing and it was amazing. We still took things slowly because he was not sure what he wanted to do. We are now very involved emotionally and physically although we have technically only slept together once.

I have never felt this way about anyone or felt loved before. I can accept that I may never be with him on a different level but I would rather have the experience of being in love with someone who cares for me than dying without ever experiencing that.

But, like all women in my circumstance, I feel lonely sometimes. Especially when he says he will call or meet with me and I don't hear from him. But, it is what it is. I don't want anyone's sympathy or judgement or even approval.

So, I continue to live my life.
writergirl527 writergirl527 46-50, F 1 Response Nov 27, 2010

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I can tell you, as someone in a similar positon, it only gets harder. But, I know the feeing of just wanting that wonderful love. The lonlieness may never go away, there are no gaurantees, even if he is a great guy to you