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I've Become The Woman I Have Always Hated.

I am new to this forum and to this situation as well.  I have always been a very opinionated person when it comes to cheating spouses.  I watched my mother in law be tortured for years by my cheating father in law.  I was later cheated on by my husband of 20 years and I left right away.  I got in another relationship that lasted 20 years even though there had been a cheating incident at 17 years.  We survived that situation but things were never the same.  Then out of a clear blue sky I fell in love with a married man!   It is not something that either of us were looking for.  We were both sad and lonely in our relationships.  We started out as friends.  We became best friends.  We fought back feelings of more than that for months.  I got out of my relationship.  Then there came a day 5 months ago that we could not deny it any longer and we allowed ourselves to admit that we were in love with each other.  This has been such an emotional roller coaster for me.  I love this man with all my heart and soul and I truly believe that he loves me as well.  He is NOT in love with his wife and has told her so, but he does still love her and can not bring himself to say the words that he knows would purposely hurt her.  He feels she will eventually realize that she has not been happy in their relationship either and they will come to a mutual decision to part ways.  I truly hope that is the case.  In the mean time I am head over heels, madly, deeply, passionately in love with him.  And I truly believe that he is with me as well.  I can not imagine my life without him yet I can not imagine living like this for the rest of  my life either.  I have become the woman I have always hated, judged and condemned.  I had no idea in the past just how hard this situation is on "the other woman".   Anyone who thinks this is easy is sadly mistaken.  Anyone who thinks that everyone in this situation made a conscious decision to do this is very wrong.  We don't chose who we fall in love with, it just happens.  Perhaps we can deny ourselves the pleasure that being in love with someone brings, but that is not easy either, I have done that in the past because it was the right   thing to do.  Not easy.  But anyone who thinks this situation is easy for the other woman is dead wrong.  It is very difficult.  At times almost unbearable.  And as if it does not come with enough of it's own uncertainty and pain there are those who feel the need to constantly remind you that you are doing the wrong thing and may very well get your heart broken.  Yes, those well meaning friends and family who should be the most happy for you make sure they tell you on a regular basis that you are in grave danger of having your heart broken.  As if you don't know that already.  Never the less there is nothing you can do about it.  You are madly deeply and passionately in love with the man of your dreams.  And so you take what you can get and you cherish every moment.  You are ecstatically happy one minute and devastated the next. 
I shouldn't be complaining.  I love this man more than anything in the world,  He makes me happier than I have ever been!  Everyone who knows me has said they have never seen me so happy.  I am lucky in many ways.  We get to spend a lot of time together.  We work together, play together and have a very special project that we are working on together.   It is not a deep dark secret affair.  He has taken me to his family and friends - who have confirmed that he had not been happy for years and that he is happier now than they have seen him in many years.  He has been with me to my family and friends.  We go out in public together and he will hold my hand and hug me in public even in the town where we both live and everyone knows us.  It is a matter of time before we get caught.  What will happen then is any ones guess.  At this point his Dragon, ooooops I mean wife, even pretends she wants to be my friend.  If ONLY she would have done that in the beginning I would never have allowed this to go this far.  I tried to be her friend.  The three of us could have been friends and I would have been happy with that.  I have had them and their kids at my house for holidays even.  But after several attempts to befriend her and her treating me the same way she has treated him for years - with complete indifference - I allowed myself to admit both to myself and to him that I had fallen in love with him.  And he admitted the same to me.  Even so he had made it clear to me in the beginning that he still loves her even though he is not in love with her and I went into this with my eyes wide open and a one day at a time, no promises, no regrets agreement.  And I do not for one second, even in my saddest, loneliest moments regret one second of this.  I would not have missed it for the world, no matter how it turns out.  Even now, having come to the point where I am worried that this will never be the totally committed to each other relationship that I so desperately want it to be, if the clocks were turned back and I knew then what I know now - that he would not leave his wife right away if at all - I would do it again.  I LOVE HIM.  I need him, I want him.  I will be there for him if he ever does leave his wife whether it is today, next week, next month or next year.  I will probably continue to be there for him even if he doesn't ever leave her because i can not imagine my life without him.  I have thought about trying to back away from him and had the words on the tip of my tongue several times.  i can not say them, i can not do it.  I love him too much.  I am hopelessly devoted to him.  I hang onto hope that this will all change and he will one day be mine completely.  I have 2 friends who were in this situation for 5 years who are now married to their men.  5 years.  I am not sure I will survive if it takes 5 years. 
I feel so guilty much of the time.  I know I am doing something I have always considered to be wrong.  I also feel very guilty about the fact that I have in the past been so self righteous and judgmental of others who were in my situation.  I actually have contemplated apologizing to a couple of people who I had been particularly mean to because they were in my situation.  A fortune from one of our very first lunch dates sums it up pretty well for me I think.  Hear something and learn it, see something and believe it, live something and understand it. 
Can anyone relate?  How do you get through the hard times?  Are there good times in the future?  Is this my Karma?  Would love to be able to communicate with people who understand.  I have plenty of people standing ready to criticize me and make me feel bad about my choices and my chances of this ending in true happiness.  Could really use some people who are willing to talk about it with an open mind and who are or have been in my shoes! 
justtheotherwoman justtheotherwoman 51-55, F 45 Responses Mar 8, 2011

Your Response


ronhny, you couldn't be any further from the truth. Our relationship is not based on sex or lust! We have a very respectful, loving relationship and sex is about the least important part of it. Love, compassion, friendship, respect, shared beliefs and interests..... all more important than sex. Sorry, but this is not your typical affair. Do we enjoy it when it happens? Of course, but it is not a priority for us and our relationship does not revolve around or depend on it. You are way off base.

i hope you are very patient.You will not be his priority.Why should you be.He now has two women he can have sex with.Thanks to you being his number two girl.Now you will be on a on call basis.When he's horny.Mean while you're putting your love life on hold for this married player?.He must be pretty good.Don't expect to see him on any holidays or on his anniversary.Good luck sleeping while thinking about him sleeping with his wife every night.

Just a quick update. I am no longer dating a married man. Nope, I am now in a serious relationship with a divorced man. Yes, it does happen. Sometimes quicker than others. We have really only been serious since this time last year. He filed for divorce in may or June and is now completely divorced. He still loves me. We have lots of plans for the future. Things are not perfect yet, but he has a lot of adjusting to do and he has both his daughter and his step daughter living with him and they have some adjusting to do as well. I still love him more than anything. Still taking one day at a time, still no regrets. we just have a lot more good days than bad ones now. :)

I haven't been on here in a while and so much has happened! It has been an emotional roller coaster as I am sure you all know. Top of the world one day and the depths of Hell the next. But one thing never changes. I love him. More than anything. AND he loves me. <br />
I won't go into the long story and all of the ups and downs. Just know that there have been many of both. As you know I have not been a deep dark secret and even his Dragon has known about me. - Yes she is still a Dragon and has earned the name with flying colors. And don't worry, she calls me a "C" word, hates me, wishes me dead, and wants to throw up when I talk to her. So we are even. - The Dragon and I actually worked together in the hay field for 3 hours last week. LOL That was a lot of fun. I thought it went as well as could be expected and we actually worked well together and accomplished quite a bit. I thought on many levels. Silly me. She went home storming mad and said all of those lovely things about me to her 22 year old daughter and proceeded to search through his computer to find our chats. Needless to say things have been interesting since then. She presented the ultimate ultimatum. Me or her. He told her she might as well start packing. Things have FLOWN since that. They have been to a councilor once and have a second appointment that they will keep but the agenda has changed. They are filing for divorce this week. She has applied for an apartment. They have agreed on how the property will be split. She is leaving the girls with him. Both girls have told her it will be best for her to leave. They are excited and planning their new lives beginning with painting their rooms and inviting friends over comfortably for the first time in their lives. Sad really the adverse effect she has had on every one of them. I feel bad for her. I have defended her to her daughter many times. But I am guardedly happy for me, my currently married man and the girls! Hoping she gets her apartment and can be out of there by the first of July. Figuring it may take another month. Just thought I would update this and hope that maybe it will give some encouragement to others in the same situation. It is still not easy and I am sure we have some very hard times ahead. But I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't think any of us regret the time we spent or the memories we have, we regret that we believed there was more to it than there was and that we allowed ourselves to spend so much of our time waiting for them to make up their mind only to be disappointed and heartbroken in the end. I wish you the best.

Well Ladies, only time will tell. I will admit to getting discouraged. I will admit that I am afraid he may never leave his dragon. But I can honestly say that no matter how this ends I don't regret the time we have spent together. I would not have missed this for the world. I love him very much. I know he loves me too. I don't know if he has the strength to do what he has to do as far as leaving his wife or not. For now I will just love him and enjoy the time we have together. I will try not to dwell on the time we are not together as that is making me crazy. One day at a time, no promises, no regrets.

I completely understand where you are coming from! I said the same things to my mm and he told me the same things yours is telling you. I did end it several times for his sake and he did come and tell me he wasn;t going to let me go and didn't. My situation is EXACTLY like yours. His friends told me all the same things you are hearing. I did know his family very well. And I do wish you luck. But when it was all said and done and we DID get married, he DID go and find a new OW! I hope your situation is different in the end and I do wish you lots of luck. I just see a train wreck waiting to happen. Sorry, but the things you say just lead me to believe you are the rebound and when he finally is single, that is where he will want to stay.

Hi JTOW,<br />
<br />
Sounds that things are moving in the right direction? Or are they?<br />
Two things...if everything is out in the open, I genuinely don't see why he doesn't leave because it sounds like they are at the end of the line, at least from your perspective it does...<br />
<br />
I got to say this much though, if my husband had been screwing another woman and she was around, I'd be doing a lot more than huffing and puffing and slamming doors. <br />
They'd both need a trip to the ER.<br />
I had to laugh when I read that, sorry. <br />
<br />
As ever, hope things work out and that this gets sorted soon, before any of you lose anymore dignity over this.<br />
Good luck to you.<br />

Totallytea, <br />
Sorry to hear of your pain and that your situation ended badly. I know for a fact that his wife got into his facebook, her daughter was there and she told her step dad. She is also throwing details in his face on a daily basis and the fighting has not stopped since that day. She is trying every day to force him into getting rid of me by giving him ultimatums - also confirmed to me by her daughter. (By the way her daughter is 22 and has informed us that when/if they split up she is not going with her mother who has treated her badly for her entire life). Long story. She has also made it very clear that she now knows way more than she had as she refuses to be there if she knows i am going to be around - he runs a business right there in their yard where I help out on a regular basis. And if she happens to be around when I am she does a lot of huffing and puffing and slamming of doors now. She also took his phone at some point and read his text messages to me. More drama. Yes I know he should, and needs to make a decision and let her go. And quite honestly the whole thing scares the Hell out of me. I KNOW that he loves me, I KNOW he has not done this before, I KNOW he has been miserable with her for the past 6 years - confirmed by his parents and his friends and even her daughter, I KNOW he wants to be with me. I love him, I trust him. What I DON'T know is if he will ever have the strength to leave his wife and kids. Yes I do have expectations of him and I know he may never live up to them. We had a pact in the beginning of this..... One day at a time, No promises, No regrets. I got involved with him knowing full well he was married and he had made NO promises to me that he would ever be able to leave his wife. Quite the opposite really, he told me he may never be able to. So I am very guilty of not only falling head over heels in love with someone who was not available, but of acting on it. I was the one who made the first moves. I knew he felt the same way. I knew he was sad and lonely. I took a chance. I do NOT and will not ever regret one second of it. He has shown me love like I have never known before. I would not have missed this for the world no matter how this turns out. I know I bring him happiness as well. A friend sent me a message last week when his wife was on vacation and I had to stay away for the most part. It said *Someone needs some sunshine and you are the only one who can provide that radiation. the difference this week is amazing. You are everything to him, I saw it the first time I saw you together and it is beautiful. He lives and breathes through you. Always be there.* How can that be put on or faked? It can't. This is not your average affair. It is not a big secret. We are part of each others families. He talks to his parents about me and the entire situation while I am right there. They are older traditional people who have been married for 44 years and have a great respect for marriage yet they want their son to be happy and know he has not been. They are very supportive of us together. I know I may get my heart broken in the end if he can not get past the hold that foolish piece of paper known as a marriage certificate has on him or get to the point that he is unhappy enough at home to want to cause her the pain it will take to force her to move on. Right now, in spite of the current situation she says she is staying and going to try to make things work. He has made it clear to her that I am not going away. He will not give me up. I am the only one who can end this right now if it gets to the point that I can't stand it anymore. I admit that I have thought about it several times. I have had it on the tip of my tongue but can not say it. BUT be very clear on one thing *IF I DO EVER END IT IT WILL NOT BE FOR MY OWN SAKE, HE IS THE BEST THIN THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME, IT WOULD BE FOR HIS SAKE BECAUSE I CAN NOT STAND SEEING HIM TORN THE WAY HE IS AND IF THERE IS ANY CHANCE FOR THINGS TO WORK OUT BETWEEN HIM AND HIS WIFE I AM DESTROYING THAT AND I DON'T FEEL THAT IS FAIR TO HIM!* See, I love him and I hate seeing him sad and miserable and sometimes I think it would be best for him if I were to disappear and let him go back to accepting his life the way it was even though he was not happy. I have told him I have considered these things and he says he will not let me walk away like that. He says he feels like I am worth fighting for, just like I have said about him from day one! Please wish me luck, please pray for us that this will work out the way we both want it to. And I truly hope you find happiness in your life soon. {{{HUGS}}}

JTOW How do you know she really got on his fb and this isn't something he made up to keep stringing you along. My husband said those things too almost exactly!

I was the other woman for 10 years. You say that you can't even imagine 5years. You do expect him to leave his wife to be with you obviously. And you don't expect it to take 5 years to do. I know from experience how extremely difficult this is going to become for you. You agreed to this situation as it is and here it is 5 months later and you already have expectations of him leaving his wife for you. I'm sorry. but that just isn't usually the way things go. Men do not tell you everything is fine in their marriage and that they just want something on the side too. They want you to think they are not having sex with their wife and that they don't get along so you feel needed and special to him. They are very good actors too. These men know what to say to make you fall in love with them! Once that is accomplished, they know you will not be seeing other men and you are hopelessly waiting for them. And then the excuses start. It would devastate her if I did that right now... I can't break up the family, what about the kids?...and the list goes on. But you are hopelessly in love and just know he will do it so you keep hanging on. More time goes by and before you know it the best years of your life are gone too. All for what? A man who loves his wife and isn't going to leave her. OK maybe you will be one of the women who actually does marry her former married man. Will you trust him not to do that to you? I was the OW for 10 years! I have been his wife now for 16 months and you know what? He took my face in his hands and told me after we got married he would never cheat on me.I left him about 6 weeks ago because he has a new OW! Sorry to burst your bubble. Get the hell out now! Total of 12 years wasted! I am now 46 years old. My best years spent with a married man!

Lazyw2526<br />
So sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time! I am sure the decision was difficult enough for you but to have to deal with him being hostile is uncalled for. How does he dare to do all of these things to you? I can not imagine my MM ever treating me like this! I am sure that I would not handle it well if he did! I just can't even picture it. I hope things calm down for you soon and that you find your true happiness. I am still convinced that I have found mine. Still willing to wait for him, still think he is worth it. Has been an interesting 2 weeks for me too as his Dragon got into his facebook and read a bunch of our messages so she now knows about me for sure. Tried ultimatums but he has made it clear that I am not going away and that he feels their marriage is over. She is hanging in there for now, but not sure how long she will be willing to do that as i am not going away for sure! It is what it is! One day at a time!

Well, I have ENDED my relationship with my MM. It's been a wild ride. A crazy week. he's been SO mad at me. Never seen him so mad. "It's not over till I say it's over". He has shown me an ugly side of him these past few days that reinforces my decision to let go. Figured out my FB password. Posted a bunch of crap on there. Deleted most of my friends. Messaged some of them with crazy/mean messages they thought were from me. Threatened me with physical violence. WOW! Never thought it would go down like that. He says if he can't have me, no one can. Yeah, we'll see buddy....This is hurting like crazy, because I do miss him, but also because of the way he is treating me. Didn't expect it, but sure is making it easier for me....Good luck to you. I'm moving on, and already feel a burden lifted.....I think MM def like the control thing...Calling the shots. Take that away and well......

JTOW, I do wish you well and I really hope that you all get the outcome you deserve. I know its stressful, I know everything seems to change on an hourly basis and you can go from the most euphoric highs to the lowest lows in moments. I'm sure it'll all work out for the best for all concerned, so sit tight and stay strong ;) x

While I've never been in a relationship with a married man, I do have a huge crush on one. I never wanted to be the younger, other woman (he's 42, I'm 23) but it's really hard to resist him. His wife is suffered a really bad nervous breakdown and is has been off kilter ever since. I understand he's married and I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't help but think he feels the same way, too. It can't be easy to be with and faithful to a wife who isn't mentally all there any more, not that that's an excuse. I can't help but think while reading your story that it seems like the stereotypical infidelity story. One person gives there all (you) and the other doesn't (him). I hope I'm wrong about this but I've known to many women who were in the same place as you and have had their hearts broken. Best of luck.

burn1<br />
I have in the past twice managed to contain my feelings for married men who both had shown an interest in me. I was always the one to do the "right thing" hard as that may be for anyone who doesn't know me to believe at this point! This time it was different. This time we were both in very unhappy situations, we were both lonely and we were both caught totally off guard by our feelings. One thing led to another and here we are. <br />
Good luck to you. I hope your life goes in the direction you would like for it to!<br />

OK CA, so let's just call a truce here. No need for us to banter back and forth. We are clearly both on the same side of the fence as you hung in there for 5 years waiting for your MM and you won. He is yours now! I am praying for and looking forward to the same thing. I have apparently misunderstood your intentions. I apologize for that. I am glad you got your man and I am surely going to try to hang in there long enough to get mine as well. I am prepared and willing to stand by him through what ever his Dragon - sorry, she is - dishes out. I love him, his happiness is my priority. I hate that he is unhappy now and want more than anything to be a big part of his future happiness, which he says i am . I am sure that you can understand that since you hug i there waiting for your man! Congrats on your win and good luck with your future wedding and new life together! Stay tuned here if you'd like! Pretty sure we have new developments coming right up, lots going on. <br />

Having had emotional ties with a couple of women that I have worked with in the recent past and being in a very unstable marriage myself, I can see how it would be very easy to slip into this type of situation. Not having professed love for either woman (from them either), it has never come to this point. I have told one of them point blank that I met her a few years to late to which she niether agrees or disagrees. She has made the comment that "oh you will never leave her and you know it" albeit very open endedly. I have never acted on any of my "urges" but have sure been tempted.

JTOW,<br />
<br />
First off, I have never and could never know what is best for you in your situation and its stupid to say as such. I'm not you and so I don't know what things are like for you in reality so even by that simplistic logic and reason, I could never presume to tell you what to do and I have not done so. What I have offered you is benefit of the advice and perspective from someone who has had a long term affair and then subsequently gone from "mistress/lover/other woman" to future wife.<br />
<br />
So you know, I never got out of my relationship with my former MM. He left his wife for me after a 5 year emotional and physical affair. We're now getting married next year and wonderfully happy and deeply in love. If this sounds arrogant, so be it. I really couldn't give a rats *** who it offends, but I do happen to know about the stress of being with a MM who walks out on a 23 year marriage. Its sheer hell and unrivalled happiness all at the same time. I also have the experience of standing by his side during an incredibly acrimonius divorce involving serious personal wealth. <br />
<br />
I don't have children, so I can't say that I never do or say anything that they shouldn't know about, but in terms of speaking about his children's mother, I will address that further in this response. <br />
<br />
My posts to you have never told you what is right for your situation, they were merely intended to give you a jolt to reality because I fully understand how easy it is to become tunnel visioned when you're in a passionate and heady affair. I needed to be brought back down to earth on several occasions.<br />
In terms of referring to his wife as a dragon, that advice was to get out of the "habit" of referring to her in such terms. If your MM's daughters were or are on good terms with her, again, its easy to get into the habit and mindset of referring to his ex wife in a derogatory way, especially when you're going through the separation and divorce and she's doing nothing but causing hassle and hurt for the sake of it. I speak from experience in that respect, and as I have previously stated in a post to you, I can't stand my fiance's ex wife. I hate her with a complete passion, but I chose not to speak badly about her when his daughters are in earshot and I got myself out of the habit of referring to her in the most obscene way because rather than use her name, I'd just refer to her as something vile. If they were in earshot, I always felt concerned that they may not think particularly well of me for doing so. As it happens, they believe I've a full right to talk about her with nothing but contempt, I simply choose not to do that. <br />
<br />
I understand you wouldn't have missed a moment with your MM, no condemnation from me there whatsoever. I have only ever intended to give you the benefit and advice from someone who has been where you are and survived. I feel you do not see that, and I'm sorry that is the case.<br />
<br />
As for wishing you well, I don't blow smoke up people's backsides. I do wish you well and again, if you choose to see that differently, that's your right to do so. <br />
<br />

dlmarshall<br />
I do agree with much of what you say. there are more important things than money. He and I both agree that if need be he could walk away leaving her with the house, the land money form the businesses, etc. and we would be ok ad could rebuild for ourselves. But why should he just walk away without trying for a fair split? And the kids... Having been the product of a terrible marriage I know all too well that staying together because of the children can be counter-productive! However, there have not been loud and continuous fights in this relationship. It has been very quiet. Again not necessarily a good thing, But nothing severe. He is a good dad and walking away from his kids in a nasty divorce would be worse right now than being there and supporting them as he does right now as the result of his dragon not being the least bit supportive off them . I agree that what he is calling love with her is more like attachment, the known and easy way if you will. He does need to figure this out himself and I honestly say that the activities of this past week have put him way closer to realizing all of this for himself! Sorry can't give details right now but I am so proud of him for the decisions he is making right now. I see light at the end of the tunnel! :) Like you I made the choice to get out of a bad marriage - twice in fact! He hasn't gotten to the point that he can do it yet. I respect that. I love him. We will survive. One day at a time. I can't imagine life without him. So for now, all I can do is LOVE HIM!! <br />
Good Luck in your situation! <br />

LazyW2526<br />
I am sorry things have not worked out for you and your MM the way you would like. I can't imagine getting to the point you are at right now. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH! Can not imagine my life without him whether it is as it is now or the way I hope it will be one day. I also see the pain in his eyes when he thinks i may be getting ready to end it, yes I have thought about it for fleeting moments, but i can not imagine living without him in my life or causing him so much pain by ending it. Having had 2 very long term relationships - marriages, 20 years each - that both ended badly i am content for right now to live life one day at a time. No promises, no regrets. Just love him, that's all I can do! I wish you luck! I hope things turn around for you. We have had a lot of activity shall we call it the past few days that i feel have moved us closer to what we really want to happen. Thanks for commenting and keep us posted!<br />

CA Not so sure your comments have all been constructive and well wishing. You have made assumptions that are totally inaccurate, one very large one being that I would be disrespectful of the Dragon in front of their kids. You see you couldn't be further form the truth! Believe it or not, and I suspect since you seem to think you know what is best in my situation without really having any idea of the details, you will chose not to believe it but I have actually on MANY instances defended his Dragon to her daughter. The daughter who told me "I can not talk to my mother about anything but I can talk to you and dad about everything" and "I feel like my mother despises me" the same daughter who she attacked throughout the entire Thanksgiving meal about the way she ate her food in front of my entire family! But every chance I get I tell her that i am sure her mom loves her and make excuses for her disgusting behavior. Not my idea of disrespect. But maybe yours. Also the girls have never heard us refer to her as a dragon. NEVER. Are you telling me that you NEVER say or do anything that your children don't know about? So you seem to think there is an easy answer to "why doesn't he leave"? There is no easy answer. Let's see.... Money, house, business, children, responsibility, feeling of failure... right off the top of my head with no thought required. If you reread my story and my posts I think you may notice that this MAY end with a broken heart for me. But also that HE IS WORTH WAITING FOR AND I WOULD'T HAVE MISSED A SECOND OF IT. And just so you know, the day I last responded to you there were BIG things going on that have moved us closer to an end to this situation as it stands right now. AND at least right now it sure looks like things will be going on my favor in the foreseeable future! :) Sorry don't mean to sound argumentative! But my opinion in my situation is my right! Just because getting out of your relationship with your MM was the best choice for you and him it does not make it the right choice for me and my MM! He does love me and we will be together eventually, the past few days have made me even more secure than ever! Have a great day and best of luck to you in all you do - and don't do.

I don't understand the saying I love you but I'm not in love with you. Usually it means I love you because of convenience but I'm not attracted to you. Basically that sounds like he's stuck in a groove and isn't sure how to get out. What is it he loves about her? I know my MM is concerned about the welfare of his kids and the business - but sometimes there are more important things than $$ and to stay in a marriage for the sake of the kids can actually be more damaging to them. They tend to learn that love is a sham. Unfortunately he has to learn these lessons on his own with his own heart. If my MM chooses to stay in the loveless marriage then that's his choice. I made my choice and got out of the loveless marriage. I would ask him what it is about his wife that he loves more than the well being of his own heart. Good luck.

OK gotta put in my 2 cents worth as I am also in a situation with a married man. We have been seeing each other for almost two years. He says he loves me, I love him like no other, BUT deep down, I know he's not gonna leave his wife of 21 years...They have no children. The reason I say this is because she KNOWS about me! And yet she stays with him! He has the best of both worlds. Why would he leave? I always thought that when the time came that she found out about us, we would b together. Not so.......I have dated other guys here and there, trying to get over him, but it doesn't work. Because of this he says he can't "trust" me, this is his reason for not leaving his wife. Now is that the pot calling the kettle black or what?? I know our relationship is ALOT about awesome sex ( obviously he's not getting that at home) but he is getting the devoted wife, both have great careers ( I do also) nice house, land ect. ect...he's gonna give that up? When he can have me also? Don't think so.....I NEED to find the strength to let him go. I want more! I want the "whole" package....I know it's gonna hurt, but I hurt so much now because I don't get to see him that often..What's worse? This goes on and on. If we stop, eventually I will heal..Just too scared to take that step....I hope you are right about your guy. I SO hope so, for your sake.....Everyone deserves to be happy...I wish I could have that hope that you have. I used to, but woke up and smelled the roses....I feel like it's a loose/loose situation. Would I do it over again? No, I don't think so. We have had incredible times together, but is he the only one out there for me? If I could go back, I would devote my time and love to someone willing to give that much and more back. In fact. I'm hopeful someday I will be in a relationship just like that...EQUAL. Without the cheating and lies....I truely appreciate you telling your story. I have very few that I talk to about this. And all I get is, get rid of his sorry ***. he's using you, ect,,,,which I'm not disagreeing, But I LOVE him....Much as I don't want to, I do...Hang in there, again, I hope you get all you desire and then some!

And yes, mine is just that, an opinion. You are free to take on board as little or as much as you like.<br />
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I'm sorry you feel I have not been understanding enough, but really, what understanding do you desire? Do you want me to comment on the grand passion you feel, the perceived uniqueness of your situation, the chemistry both of you feel. I'm sure all of those things are real and deeply felt by both of you, but in terms of what the outcome of the affair will be, they are completely irrelevant.<br />
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I have been the other woman and the only way I survived and got to where I am today (engaged, happy and deeply secure and in love with my fiance) is by being realistic and respectful where I had to be. You are doing neither of those things and again, you fail again to even address the question I raise: why doesn't he leave if everything is a certain as you state that it is? I completely understand that things are happening by the moment and the fluidity of a situation means that you can not disclose certain details.<br />
However, you brushing aside such pertinent questions as you have in such a defensive manner tells me that you're refusing to address what I already suspect, that things are not as straightforward as you claim.<br />
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You are absolutely correct that every situation is unique, but one thing about affairs is universal, they all tread very well worn paths and few work out the way they should.<br />
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I am sorry you feel fit to dismiss well intentioned and well meant advice in such a defensive manner, I can only wish you well in your situation.<br />
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Well we are all entitled to our opinions! <br />
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You have no idea the extent of any of this. I won't elaborate right now, but there are things happening right now as I type. <br />
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Since you have been the other woman I would have expected that you might understand a little better than most, but you don't seem to. Not my problem. I have enough of my own right now! <br />
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Every situation is unique. I'm glad you are so secure in yours that you feel the right to make judgments on other peoples. Luckily, I have my own opinions and feel secure in my choices.

Hi JTOW,<br />
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I appreciate everything you say and everything you feel. Believe it or not, despite the implied harshness of my words, I have been there.<br />
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However...good god! First off, please get back to reality! You have to know this, she didn't "allow" both of you to get into the situation you're in! You got into this of your own free will!<br />
This is a common myth about affairs where women say "we couldn't help ourselves" or "we weren't strong enough to stop"...actually, you were and you are. You chose to cross that line every single time. I've done it and so have millions of other men and women. We're all born with free will and act on our own volition, despite feeling that we can not help ourselves. The statement that "we tried to ignore the feelings, BUT we couldn't" just doesn't wash with me at all. If you'd wanted to have waited until he was divorced, or she threw him out, you could have. We all could have, most of us didn't and I make and offer no excuse for having acted in exactly the same way. We acted out of purely selfish reasons and a desire to satisfy our own overwhelming need. I fully accept that it was a choice and a decision we chose; crossing that line was something we actively chose to do, even though we'd like to think we were helpless in the face of heady passion and desire. You and he are no different<br />
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In saying all that, my original point still stands. I will eat my hat if she walks away from the marriage off her own back. Answer this, why would she? What does she stand to gain? To make you two happy? Ha! I sincerely doubt that. From the way you describe it, the marriage is over so she's got jack **** to lose by making him miserable and refusing to leave/stand aside just to make you two happy. And, extremely pertinent to that statement, an "exception" she maybe but believe me, in terms of the divorce, she's a pretty bloody big one, being as she's his wife and financially..well...I ain't even going to go there. She isn't about to stand aside, and if she is as much of a "dragon" as you make out, well...his happiness already features pretty low on her priority list and it doesn't seem that its heading upwards anytime soon. If you're about to answer that she'd free herself to find someone new, I don't think she's of the mindset that a new relationship is important to her. You are incredibly dismissive of her role in this situation as his wife and I think right now you'd do well to bear in mind that she is still his wife and she will always be the mother of his children. It wouldn't hurt to have a little more respect for her in that sense, because whether you're together or not, she will always be his daughters' mother.<br />
If on the other hand, she isn't as bad as you make her out to be, she could want to try and whether the storm and make the marriage work. I actually see her as having no intention to walk away whatsoever, so from that respect, I believe you to be in for a very long haul.<br />
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So, back to the original question, why doesn't he leave? <br />
From what you describe, its all neatly tied up, she's the only "obstacle" and if he's so set and deeply in love with you and he'll "deal" with her financially, why hasn't he walked? Afterall, you're out to friends and family so it doesn't sound like he's got anything else to stay for? Does it? He sounds like a success and again, you're together in all but name, so why's he's still with her? In my opinion, you've yet to provide a satisfactory answer on that one.<br />
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Can I take issue with two things, be careful referring to his wife as a "dragon"...that can become a habit and she still happens to be the mother of his daughters and she always will be. I can't stand my fiance's ex wife with every sinew of my being, but I never, ever speak badly of her around my fiance's daughters because I haven't earned that right. Referring to her in such a manner could become a habit and I wonder how well his daughters would react to hearing you say that. When it comes down to it, I barely know my fiance's ex wife, yet even though I witnessed first hand her disgusting antics during his divorce; I will still not speak badly of her in public or around his daughters. If they speak ill of her, so be it, they have the right, I feel I do not, even though I've been told I have.<br />
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Secondly, only you fully know the situation you are in, but "befriending" his daughters is something that doesn't sit easy with me because that can be seen as you ingratiating yourself in a family to an unwelcome extent, and at worst, downright devious. You have admitted yourself that they are not aware of the full extent of his relationship with you and as much as you'd like to think they like you as a person, when it comes to seeing their mum unhappy because of their father walking out on her and you as the other woman, that opinion can and will rapidly change, no matter how old or young they are. I think involving yourself with them is a dangerous way to go because quite frankly, their father should stand up and make a decision that he wants to be with you and walk away. Okay, they may have seen you "pre-divorce" but don't for one minute think that their positive opinion of you will remain that way. It could so easily change and I fear you fail to recognise that. <br />
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If I'm brutally honest, this whole situation sounds too neat and tidy. I would stake my life on it that there hasn't been an affair/divorce/relationship yet which involves the other woman that was as straightforward as your situation appears to be, and I doubt your situation will be the one that sets the trend.<br />
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However, that isn't to say I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope for all your sakes you all get the happiness you desire and deserve. Good luck.x

BleedinBlue55- I'm curious as to why you were not ready to leave everything for her back then, but are now. What changed?

I do feel the same way! This (becoming the ow - other woman) has opened my eyes to a different world. I was also quick to judge and offer my two cents whenever someone told me about their relationship issues. I have realized that everyone makes different decisions because we all experience different things at different times. I am so much more open minded and understanding. It feels good to know that. Like you, I would not take this experience back if I was given the opportunity. I have changed in many ways and I feel this is positive, regardless of the outcome. I have been at the lowest points in my life while seeing my mm but I have also lived the best days of my life with him. <br />
I can totally relate when you say " I am head over heels, madly, deeply, passionately in love with him. And I truly believe that he is with me as well". I know you feel this and know he loves you back. You feel it when you're with him. It doesn't matter what anyone says, you know you two are connected in the most amazing way. <br />
It makes sense that he would leave his wife if he really wanted to be with you. This is the way I thought but then I remembered that I want to be understood and not judged and so I keep in mind that I don't know how it feels to be in his situation. <br />
I am glad you are trying to live this with no regrets and know it could not end in your favor. It's interesting to me that you two go out in public without the concern of being seen together - as a couple. Usually, the men are trying to hide the other woman. I see this as something positive. <br />
You are a strong woman and you will know when to make a decision (if he hasn't already done it for you) when the time is right. Until then, we have to take it day by day. ..That's what your fortune said. :)

Celtically and Wickedsista - I hope you are wrong about her never getting unhappy enough to leave. She is not happy, we know that. She really wants nothing to do with him other than keeping him "hers". She is aware of the time we spend together but not the extent of our relationship. She is not comfortable in their marriage and really wants nothing to do with him, hence the opportunity for me to spend so much time with me and allow us to get into this situation. He has been married for 15 years and this is his first affair. I had been married twice. My first marriage of 20 years ended as a result of my exhusband cheating in me. I left as soon as I had proof positive. I then went right into a new relationship which resulted in marriage, the relationship lasted a total of 19 years, at the 17th year my partner had an affair. We survived it for nearly 3 years but it was never the same and as soon as I realized I was falling in love with my MM I left and filed for divorce, which is final. My MM and I have been "together" seriously for just 5 months. We spent the 5 months prior to that going from friends to best friends to constant companions to what we finally have now! I know it may be hard to believe but before we advanced beyond just friends we talked about it and neither of us had any intention of this advancing to the point that it would come between us and our spouses. We did try to avoid this, we tried to ignore the feelings, BUT we couldn't. We have a chemistry between us that we could not control or deny. We know things about each other that we have no idea how we know, we just do. We enjoy the same things agree on most everything and can not stay apart. We make each other smile and we can't help it! As far as being found out and exposed...... well we have both exposed ourselves to our families and friends and for the most part we have been accepted and even encouraged. In the few instances where we - mostly me - have been challenged or warned, etc. I have stood my ground and defended our position. My kids are adults and accept my new happiness. His girls don't know the full extent of it yet but I have made it a point to befriend them and let them get to know me as a person and a friend before their mother paints the ugly picture of me that she surely will. They are aware of the unhappiness in the home and of the fact that their Dad is very unhappy and may not be willing to continue for much longer. These few months, as frustrating as it has been and as impatient as I have felt, have been well spent getting to know them and have them feel comfortable with me and with us together. When he went south twice this winter to visit his parents for a couple of weeks (without his dragon! yay!) I took the girls to lunch once each time. So our children are not a huge threat to us. He owns his own businesses and I work with him in each of them when I can. I work part time as well for a friend who is now married to her previously MM of 5 years! She understands my position and is supportive and understanding. So no threat to our jobs either. Our parents have both accepted the situation as they want us to be happy and know that we are both happier than we have ever been when we are together. So no threat there. With the exception of his dragon we have our act together. She will be dealt with in his way and his time and I won't ever try to force him to make a move before he is ready. I don't ever want him to have regrets or think he didn't try hard enough or do the best he could. As far as the general public goes..... well this is 2011, not 1955 and this is not so unusual these days. Ayone who doesn't like it doesn't have to deal with us. Period. There are also financial things that need to be put in order and I can understand that as well. It is a difficult situation and I feel really bad about the whole thing. But I think we are luckier than many in our situation. All I can do is love him and be there for him and hope for the best end result. I will wait, 5 more weeks, 5 more months, 5 more years?? He is worth it. I love him, he loves me, we are meant to be together. We will survive!