I've Become The Woman I Have Always Hated.I am new to this forum and to this situation as well. I have always been a very opinionated person when it comes to cheating spouses. I watched my mother in law be tortured for years by my cheating father in law. I was later cheated on by my husband of 20 years and I left right away. I got in another relationship that lasted 20 years even though there had been a cheating incident at 17 years. We survived that situation but things were never the same. Then out of a clear blue sky I fell in love with a married man! It is not something that either of us were looking for. We were both sad and lonely in our relationships. We started out as friends. We became best friends. We fought back feelings of more than that for months. I got out of my relationship. Then there came a day 5 months ago that we could not deny it any longer and we allowed ourselves to admit that we were in love with each other. This has been such an emotional roller coaster for me. I love this man with all my heart and soul and I truly believe that he loves me as well. He is NOT in love with his wife and has told her so, but he does still love her and can not bring himself to say the words that he knows would purposely hurt her. He feels she will eventually realize that she has not been happy in their relationship either and they will come to a mutual decision to part ways. I truly hope that is the case. In the mean time I am head over heels, madly, deeply, passionately in love with him. And I truly believe that he is with me as well. I can not imagine my life without him yet I can not imagine living like this for the rest of my life either. I have become the woman I have always hated, judged and condemned. I had no idea in the past just how hard this situation is on "the other woman". Anyone who thinks this is easy is sadly mistaken. Anyone who thinks that everyone in this situation made a conscious decision to do this is very wrong. We don't chose who we fall in love with, it just happens. Perhaps we can deny ourselves the pleasure that being in love with someone brings, but that is not easy either, I have done that in the past because it was the right thing to do. Not easy. But anyone who thinks this situation is easy for the other woman is dead wrong. It is very difficult. At times almost unbearable. And as if it does not come with enough of it's own uncertainty and pain there are those who feel the need to constantly remind you that you are doing the wrong thing and may very well get your heart broken. Yes, those well meaning friends and family who should be the most happy for you make sure they tell you on a regular basis that you are in grave danger of having your heart broken. As if you don't know that already. Never the less there is nothing you can do about it. You are madly deeply and passionately in love with the man of your dreams. And so you take what you can get and you cherish every moment. You are ecstatically happy one minute and devastated the next.
I shouldn't be complaining. I love this man more than anything in the world, He makes me happier than I have ever been! Everyone who knows me has said they have never seen me so happy. I am lucky in many ways. We get to spend a lot of time together. We work together, play together and have a very special project that we are working on together. It is not a deep dark secret affair. He has taken me to his family and friends - who have confirmed that he had not been happy for years and that he is happier now than they have seen him in many years. He has been with me to my family and friends. We go out in public together and he will hold my hand and hug me in public even in the town where we both live and everyone knows us. It is a matter of time before we get caught. What will happen then is any ones guess. At this point his Dragon, ooooops I mean wife, even pretends she wants to be my friend. If ONLY she would have done that in the beginning I would never have allowed this to go this far. I tried to be her friend. The three of us could have been friends and I would have been happy with that. I have had them and their kids at my house for holidays even. But after several attempts to befriend her and her treating me the same way she has treated him for years - with complete indifference - I allowed myself to admit both to myself and to him that I had fallen in love with him. And he admitted the same to me. Even so he had made it clear to me in the beginning that he still loves her even though he is not in love with her and I went into this with my eyes wide open and a one day at a time, no promises, no regrets agreement. And I do not for one second, even in my saddest, loneliest moments regret one second of this. I would not have missed it for the world, no matter how it turns out. Even now, having come to the point where I am worried that this will never be the totally committed to each other relationship that I so desperately want it to be, if the clocks were turned back and I knew then what I know now - that he would not leave his wife right away if at all - I would do it again. I LOVE HIM. I need him, I want him. I will be there for him if he ever does leave his wife whether it is today, next week, next month or next year. I will probably continue to be there for him even if he doesn't ever leave her because i can not imagine my life without him. I have thought about trying to back away from him and had the words on the tip of my tongue several times. i can not say them, i can not do it. I love him too much. I am hopelessly devoted to him. I hang onto hope that this will all change and he will one day be mine completely. I have 2 friends who were in this situation for 5 years who are now married to their men. 5 years. I am not sure I will survive if it takes 5 years.
I feel so guilty much of the time. I know I am doing something I have always considered to be wrong. I also feel very guilty about the fact that I have in the past been so self righteous and judgmental of others who were in my situation. I actually have contemplated apologizing to a couple of people who I had been particularly mean to because they were in my situation. A fortune from one of our very first lunch dates sums it up pretty well for me I think. Hear something and learn it, see something and believe it, live something and understand it.
Can anyone relate? How do you get through the hard times? Are there good times in the future? Is this my Karma? Would love to be able to communicate with people who understand. I have plenty of people standing ready to criticize me and make me feel bad about my choices and my chances of this ending in true happiness. Could really use some people who are willing to talk about it with an open mind and who are or have been in my shoes!
justtheotherwoman 51-55, F 45 Responses 3 Mar 8, 2011