Just Saw Him (mm) Today, How Do You Cope When The "visit" Is Over?

It was a planned meeting for him, to visit our baby daughter this morning, today. God I don't want to, but I still love him so very much! Unbelievably, he gets sexier each time I see him. It's so hard to see him and not touch him, kiss him, or tell him I love him. I made a promise to myself in the new year that I would move on, I would not let myself mope around in misery while he stays there with (her) and at the same time; he tells me that he will leave and that he still loves me; that I just need to be patient. I have even consulted a tarot card reader to see if it is destined for us to be together.

I know I sound like a complete nut, but I am in love with him and if there is any chance of us being together, I want to know about it! Everything points that it will happen, but eventually. I have no clear time frame of when to expect this "miracle" I have no choice but to think positive and just move on with my life and secretly hope to slowly but surely distance myself away from him. I will help me keep my sanity!

I saw him this morning, and as usual, his eyes lit up when he saw me, and he got that old familiar look in his eyes that he wanted to grab me and kiss me like before. He saw my hesitation and stopped though. He looked genuinely hurt when I didn't melt in his arms like before. I gave in all the other times, but this time was different, and I sensed that he knew it was for real this time. I did get a small pleasure in the nervousness I saw in his face when the visit was over and when he asked me for a parting kiss, I refused. He is not used to me saying no, but this time I did. It almost killed me when I saw the pained look in his eyes, coupled by a sadness that I am seeing more and more as I refuse him, and he sees that I am so serious this time.

I just simply can't do it any more. Whether we have a child together or not, I am tired of the waiting game. The deal breaker was this morning when he told me of a fishing trip he and a buddy were going on tomorrow. Turns out that (she) his wife, decided she wanted to go along with them, at the last minute, and basically invited herself along on a boys night out. The friend was upset and threatened to cancel going because he does not care to much for the wife and was not happy she was coming. The friend is a mutual friend and I knew him too, and remember he never had a kind word to say about the wife. Now, what would have been a trip for him and his friend, will turn out to be a family weekend, with her, MM, their kids and the friend. This is a woman he says he doesn't love any more, and that he is tired of! (supposedly)

I have been sad and disgruntled the whole day after I heard this. She is still his wife, and she has the right to be with him, so I have no reason to be mad at her, just myself for having gotten into this mess. My question is this though, how do you ladies that have kids with your MM deal with when the visits are over? How do you cope with watching him leave and go back to his wife, after he has possibly made love to you, kissed you, and even told you that he loved you? How do you stop the sadness and pain from something that feels so good, but is still so wrong to be doing?

I know MM loves me, and he adores our child, but it's still hard to get him out of m y heart, especially when I know it would probably be the best thing for me to do right now.

nyema nyema
31-35, F
4 Responses May 25, 2012

Sweetie, U have my utmost sympathy.. & I'm very proud of u. I feel your pain. Our stories has similarities.. I'm 30+ currently in a relationship w/ a MM, I'm 7 yrs in w/ a 3 1/2 yr old daughter, second pregnancy terminated.. I hate this man for being a manipulative, controlling liar, I luv him for always having my back, financially supporting me& my2 kids from a prev relationship when i was out of work. These days the hate outways ALL. In the beginning all was good, $$$, trips overseas when he went to work overseas spend all our time together even briefly moved in, but anytime i did something not to his liking i was penalized. When divorce talks come up he cant afford it.. I have caught him in so many lies it's ridiculous. Y haven't i ended it, idfk, I've beeeeen stop believing that he's leaving wifey, i think b/c jm comfortable in the relationship, i dont want anykne around my daughter & we actually still have fun w/ each other.. When I'm not trying to make hjm miserable ON Purpose..SN: WIFEY KNOWS ALL ABOUT ME THE TRIPS MY CHILD ECT. OK I'm rambling & venting but the fact is ur miserable but time will go on& you'll get better me I'm miserable & will continue to be unless i get stuck off stupid & make a move I TRULY BELIEVE THE MM LOVES US.. JUST NOT ENOUGH!!

It's the kind of pain that only a woman in our shoes will know. Too many days I sit and hate we've ever met! Then at the same time, I know deep in my heart I still love him and want to be with him. I spend most days angry with him. If he would just make up his mind! I really don't think he stringing me alone, and I really think he does love me, I just think it's not enough to leave her for me.

I get the short end of the stick with that scenario.

nyema, I must apologize sweetheart for saying something without the inclarity of the situation. Yes, you're definately right, the MM is who is at most fault in this case and not you. So I'm sorry for for saying what I did, what is shameful is "HIM". Obviously you really love this guy and you're hanging on his every word. True love is blind! You just don't get it do you? You can't see the forest because of the trees in front of you. Actions speaks louder than words! You ever heard that saying? This man is telling you one thing and yet he's doing another which contradicts the very thing he's telling you which suggests he's lying and damn good at it. I hate to see you fall for it and get in too deep and get your heart broke. If this man loves you as much as you think he does, he would have already left her and be with you but once again, action speaks louder than words! Try to get him out of your heart but you might let him have visitation rights and the scumbag don't deserve that. He's lying to you girl! He's using you and you have fallen victim.<br />
You really love him and that's why it's so hard to see the truth but remember, ACTIONS SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS!

Micheal, you are right in so much of what you have said. And although I still believe that MM indeed did genuinely love me, I do still have to look at the bare facts that his actions speak louder than his words.

He is still there with his wife, and she's not holding a gun or twisting his arm. I have distanced myself away from him, slowly but surely, and as an attempt to wean myself until his is out of my system.

It just hurts too bad to keep going on like this and to let it go on and I can clearly see that he is not going to leave her or his kids. I mean, all the signs are there, and it's been 3 years already. Only a foold would keep hope at this point.

Besides, all of what you said, and it coming from a man's point of view; it just speaks volumes about my situation! So thanks again, and no offense taken by me.

That must be so hard to deal with. Yes ok you're the OW but its lasted and he must have feeling for you to still be in constant touch with you. Me and my MM nearly had a child together but sadly lost it early on. I wish I could say that it would have made him pick me and dedicate his life to our child but it wouldn't have done. <br />
Since pulling away from him emotionally it made him sit up and realize he couldn't carry on with feelings for two women. I'd already pushed him to chose her and then if he comes back to me I'll know its for the right reasons and not just because he feels he ought to. <br />
I understand about the tarot card, did you get the answer you needed? I read my cards but lately they keep telling me to sit back and wait that there is no such things as purely right and wrong and that if I look inside myself the answers will unfold.

Thanks for your comment, and yes, it's very hard to deal with. I spend many days second guessing myself, and wondering why or what I don't have or do have that makes him chose her over me. I mean, it's a terrible feeling.

The math just doesn't add up. If he so unhappy, why won't he leave? it makes me wonder is he really all as unhappy as he claims. But I try not to dwell, and think positive. He still tells me he loves me, and if there is anything I need or the baby needs, he is right there to supply it. I can call him any time, and he makes sure she knows that his baby is a part of the family too, and he is not having it any other way.

So when I call him to see his baby, he is right there, when I call him because she's sick, he is right there. I have never asked him how she feels about it, but for now, I just want to assume he put the law down and if she pans to stay there, she needs to respect what he says.

Yes, he still keeps in regular contact with me, by email or by phone call. He always tells me he loves me and still insists he hasn't given up hope on us. Time will tell.

I feel sadly for you that you lost your baby, because I know your pain too. We would have had 2 kids; me and MM, the baby daughter that we have now, and a son that would have been 3 in September this year.

He was right there with me when we lost this baby. And I fell in love with him even more as he was my rock through those hard times. He put his own pain aside to help me deal with mine, and I will be forever grateful for this selfless act from him!

After I hard the cards done, everything pointed to him being a very honest, dependable and kind person who will have a great impact on my life. I was told that he loves me a great deal and is in love with me, and in one way shape or form, he will be in my life permanently. There was a good indication that he will become my husband at some pint in the future, and that we will be happy, a powerful couple, but there were no definite time lines to tell me when. So that is all I know about that. I just needed to be patient and the chips will lie where they fall, I guess.

what you're and he is doing is called committing adultry. If he's gonna cheat on his wife with you, he will cheat on another woman when he marries you, if you really think that's going to happen. More than likely he's just playing you like a piano to get sex and all the "I love you's" are just to get all the sex he can get out of you and keep you quiet. Put yourself in his wife's shoes, how would you feel if this lowlife was scewing another woman while he's fencing your yard? Shameful! Just Shameful!<br />
Once a cheater, always a cheater! Sorry, you may not like my comment, but it's the cold hard facts!

You are entitled to your opinion, so I have no offense to what you said. Yes, what we did was adultry, and yes, it was wrong. But this man told me from the very beginning that he was married.

I went in full stream ahead knowing what I may or may not be getting myself into. He was and has always been honest about a lot of things, and his marriage was one of the things.

I think he really does love me, and have never doubted it, even now. The question is, is it enough for him to leave his wife? Well, that remains to be seen. We are both adults and I did not twist his arm, and neither he to me.

Our relationship was so much more different than a lot of the women here who are obviously being bamboozled by a serial cheater and are oblivious to it. Mm actually liked spending time with me, other than in the bed. When we met, it was so many times we didn't sleep together and we had just as much of an emotional relationship as physical.

He was there for me when I needed him, and even after his wife found out, he still made it clear that he was not leaving me, and that I would be in his life in one way or another. She had chosen to stay, and he has not left either. So to come and lash out at me, who is more crazy, me for being the other woman, or the wife who stays with a man that has cheated and had a child out of wedlock, and openly admits to still admits to having feelings for the mistress?

A lot of OW get a bad rap, but again, who twisted the husband's arm and made him cheat? Who held a gun to his head?

You say shameful, but hey, if some of these wives were taking care of the husband like he wanted, there would be no affairs. Face it, if a woman or man is happy at home, they will not cheat! Yes you have some men who are just pigs and serial cheaters, but a large majority will not cheat if the wife don't give a reason to.

You ask me to put myself in his wife's shoes, well for start, I have. If it was me, when he came to me and wanted to talk about the marriage, I would have listened.Oh yes, my MM went and actually tried to work things out with her, and she being stubborn and bull headed, refused to take any constructive criticism.

When he complained they were not spending enough time together, she told him to find another job, her leaving hers was not an option. When he complained about always having the kids, while she went about her life as a single woman, she told him that was part of being a parent.

I mean, I could be here all day with little scenarios, but I won't. I know there are 2 sides to every story, but I don't see him being the majority to blame for a lot of the problems. especially when other people have commented on the difference they've seen in him since he was with me, and actually she doesn't have a lot of people in her corner!

But if it was me, I would not have stayed with a man who professed to love another woman, and then had a child with her.

Yes, with some, once a cheater always, but there are a few men who are looking for a reason to leave the marriage and when they do, they find another woman and leave, so this does not apply to all men!