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Breaking Up With Him Today.

Hi
I am using this for positive support...so please please please don't judge me.
I am a teacher who has been living overseas for the past 4 years, in August 2010 I met a married man who was in the military at the time. He was upfront about being married, and he said that they were not in a good place in their relationship.
Anyways, we became friends and did things that friends did...movies, sports etc. With no romantic involvement. In November we both admitted that we were developing feelings for each other, I wanted to stay clear of entering into dating a married man....but a little bit further down the road - January 2011, I listened to my heart and not my head and became his girlfriend.
It was a terrific relationship, everything I wanted and needed in a partner. Except, the fact he was still married. It was very easy/hard to forget this fact. Easy because his wife was never around, hard because it played on my mind so heavily.
In April 2011, he left the military and then in July 2011 he came back to where I was living to be with me, working at another job.
He said that he would get working on his divorce for the past year, and they have been separated for about 1 year.
It's now June 2012, and he is still not divorced.
I love him so much but I am breaking up with him today as I cannot put my heart and mind through this anymore. Promises that don't come true, my hopes get dashed. We have had many good times together, and our mutual friends see us as boyfriend/girlfriend. No one knows the truth (except one of my close friends) that he is still married.
I am so sad today, I can't stop crying. He is the person I want to be with , but the situation and circumstances aren't right and it's not fair to me anymore.
Any support/advice would be appreciated. I am lost and need to know how to move forward.
Thanks for listening.
cdnteacher cdnteacher 31-35, F 5 Responses Jun 20, 2012

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Melsha555 I totally understand where ur coming from... I gave my MM till April 2011 then I extended it by 3 months and now it is a year and 3 months and i am still here n he is still married... All we do is fight about it n he feels that i am being unfair... The thing that hurts the most is I was married also and 3 years ago I filed for divorce and it is final and I am ready but he still isn't so this past week we had a huge fight n i called his wife n she said she didnt care that he was sleeping with me she wasn't letting him go n he hasn't called me since.... I hate him for all that he has done to me.... He is a lying cheating selfish Bast***.... but the sad part is I hate/love him @ the same time... I can't stop crying....

My ultimatum was in Feb 2011....then it was extended till October 2011, then March 2012. And I left him on 1 April 2012. He knew of the ultimatum and he didnt call me either. Then after 3 weeks he called me and said he will take steps to be with me (and divorce the wife etc) That was in April. Now it is already July 2012, it's taking too slow (although he has started)......3-4 months but the pace is too slow. I'm not sure whether he is buying time or is still thinking of whether to chicken out with me. I did not want to push him as I wanted this to be his decision. But at times we do fight over this. And now he is feeling the pressure and has not spoken to me for a week now. But aren't we the victims here?<br />
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What I'm saying is that there must be a reason why they are still married and the thing I dont understand is that it seems that it is so hard for our MMs to let their wives go. There is definitely more than what they have been telling us. I wouldnt mind if he told me he loves her still then I would understand why its difficult for them. But no, this was not what was described to us. He knew that if he told me that, I would have left.

hey, i agree with EmptyHeartGirl. if he has taken steps towards a divorce, then all you can do is be supportive and wait. otherwise, i would move on. Yes, easy said than done. but you are young and you will find someone else worthy of your love. i wish you the best. I am glad that you gave him an ultimatum. Good for you.

Did he move to be with you or for the job? Is he legally separated? What steps has he done to get divorced? Has he hired an attorney?

I waited over 8 years for my MM. You are lucky you don't have the drama of the wife in your relationship. Divorce isn't an easy thing. There are feelings that need to be dealt with even if you are no longer in love with your spouse. Try to be understanding and give him a reasonable deadline. If he has not done it by then tell him it's over.

Thanks for your advice, I have told him that June was the "deadline". I hated to give him an ultimatum, but for my own sanity....it had to be done.

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. These situations are very difficult.