Why No Guilt?

Okay.. Here is my story. I have been to war and have lost my feelings and came back to my first marriage and had to find those emotions again. Well I left him due to not making a living and other reasons. But I was faithful even over there I was faithful. Trust me I had plenty of opertunities. But did not do a thing! So now I am married to a great man but.. Having a affair with a boss. It's been going on for about 1 1/2 years. And I have no guilt at all none what's so ever. I will never leave my husband and he would never leave his wife. But I want to spend more time with him and can't stop thinking about him. There are a couple of reasons why I think I have no guilt. One.. I have gone back to having no feeling like being in war. Or two... About a year ago my current husband caught me making out with another guy . I felt horrible about that.. About 3 weeks went by.. One night he tied me up and spanked me. Beat me more like it. Had black and blue back for awhile. I took pics just for backup if ever needed. But deep down I felt I deserved it. So I think I hold on to that .. Of course in the begging of the affair we had rules.. Then we broke them.. Then feeling got involved and he told me that he let me get into "here" meaning his heart.. And I didn't know what to say.. It's always on his terms due to he has a family and a wife that keeps a collar on him very tight.. So I am just very confused and I don't know how to stop obsessing over him..
Exarmy Exarmy
31-35, F
Sep 9, 2012