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The Aftermath

I am ending a two year affair with a married man. We were not discovered. Thank God. My marriage is over and it has been for years. I have never experienced pain or devastation like this in my life. The emotions are overwhelming and confusing. It is a mixed bag of desperately loving him, missing him, the and self-hatred for getting into this to begin with.

I believe that he truly love me; just not enough.

I know what I did was deplorable. I don’t need to be bashed by strangers for my actions/decisions. I am doing a fine job of beating up on myself.

What I do need is some support from those who have been in my shoes. How do you get through this? Does the cloud ever lift? Will I ever see things color again?
bluebird716 bluebird716 46-50, F 11 Responses Nov 16, 2012

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When I was in my early thirties I was feeling down because of a breakup after a three year affair with a married lady. It was hard to do anything, even to eat and sleep, without thinking of her.
Eventually I became involved with another woman and the normalcy returned. You will work through this, and come out stronger.
If we didn't hurt after a breakup with someone that we loved, then maybe that would mean the love wouldn't have been real. You should be proud that you are a person that loves deeply, and gives it your all. That will be the reason that the next man in your life might take notice and appreciate all you have to offer. I envy the man that finds you.

I'm in the same stage that you are. I was discovered, and it has ruined a very large part of my life and has created a situation that is making forward momentum next to impossible. Be glad that you got out before it had wider consequences. Despite not getting caught you're suffering, and I wish I could make it go away, I truly do, because I understand how heavy it is. Please feel free to message me any time. I'm searching for my own path to self-forgiveness. I have not found it yet, but I will happily share with you when and if I do.

I also suffer from extreme anxiety and I am currently seeking treatment in a number of ways. You have an ear here if you want one. You're not alone, and I am told, and I believe that this gets better.

I've been reading a great deal about Buddhism and compassion meditation. It's not for everyone, but some of the basic principals do help to hear. Suffering is universal. We all experience it. It is also impermanent. It will pass. In the zen tradition there is a story that tells of a man who goes to a priest very troubled by a situation in his life. The priest says to him, "It will pass."After some time he returned to the priest very happy. He said, "Remember that problem I was telling you about? It went away!" The priest calmly replied, "It will come back." At first I found the end to that story very troubling in my current state, but I have been trying to see that what the story teaches is that life has tides, and we have no choice but to ride them.

Do not get involved with men that are married. They will tell you everything you want to hear and leave you in the end. Be with someone that is available and honest. Cheaters will never change, it is how they conduct their lives without boundaries. Married men prey on lonely women for sex. They will lie about everything, be careful. They will tell you they have terrible their wives are, but it is all a lie. It is not a good situation to be in. You will be hurt, get out of that so called relationship before your life is ruined. There are no exceptions to the rule here, married men should not be dating! If they are serious, they should get divorced and date when it is legally acceptable. Love yourself enough to have a man that is available and will treat you as a partner, not sneaking around in dark places. Love yourself enough.

Thank you. You are wise and kind.

Hi Bluebird,

I am going through a similar thing - my affair partner was too afraid to leave his wife for me, even though I was ready to leave my husband. He's told me many times that I am the love of his life and he wants children with me, but I know that he will never leave her. She even found out about us and they are still together. She also found out about another affair he was having (at around the same time as I found out!). So you can see the kind of man he is, but he says it would all be different if we were together.... Hmmmm.

I know I have wasted too much time with him and I've hurt my husband terribly - I've committed to break all contact with him and try and focus on my marriage. I'm just trying to take one day at a time, but in all honesty life does not feel like it is worth living without him in it - everything just feels so empty. I still love him so very much and the idea of him not being in my life is devastating. Plus it is very hard to refocus on my marriage, I don't know if we are going to make it.

But in many ways it has helped to read on here that I am not alone. I hope we can all keep posting on here and support each other.

I really hope you (and all of us!) start to feel better soon xxx

I know how you feel. I am beating myself up too. I just can't let go of my MM and not ready for divorce. I am terrified that pepole will find out and gossip about me. I am sure some pepole already do. I wish I had the strength to leave my spouse.

I understand. If you need to talk or vent, feel free to email me. Take care.

it's an emotional wound and need patience for a while till it heals! make yourself busy with other stuff and encouragiing and promising ideas till you feel better and recover

And yes..... Yes the sun comes back out.

I have been through that same thing. We do what we have to do!

Deplorable?

Yes, that word "deplorable" comes to mind when I revisit what I did. The (perhaps) twisted aspect of this is... I don't feel any regrets regarding my own marriage. But I do a feel a sense of responsibility for interfering in another marriage. Convoluted.. I know. Still sorting things out.

Don't... Pleeeease don't beat yourself up like that. Both parties knew what they were doing . Clearly you needed that. I know I did. But we are all just sorting the loneliness out too... And these things happen. We got your back

I was never with a married man but I have cheated once or twice. It's hard to face the truth that I screwed up but that's what makes us human. I got pregnant the time I cheated. Everything fell apart. It was a long process of self healing and self forgiveness. It was wrong and I slightly know how you're going through, except it wasn't with a married man, that I know of. It's a sucky situation for everyone involved and people, including the cheater, like myself, are hurting just as bad. It's not a fun process but moving forward, for me, was one of the first steps and the hardest that I had to face. I hope you can move yourself forward through this and that all goes well.

I hope you are doing better now. It sounds like you had it very tough. If you picture is accurate, I think I am much older than you. However, the pain knows no age. I am happy to hear you have healed and moved on. Take good care of yourself.

we all make mistakes we all do things we regret you not the first and you certainly won't be the last. Forgive yourself forgive yourself forgive yourself that is the place to start. What good does it do to keep beating yourself over the head about it? It won't change anything. was it wrong? yes. you know it and don't have to be told. Move forward one step at a time. Don't know your views on God but if you know him he forgives our sins and casts them as far as the east is from the west when we ask him for forgivness. If you don't believe in God as we all different I suggest you get a journal or diary and start writing your feelings down and then end off with 5 things you thankful for in your life. Hope this helps u in some way. Feel free to write me any time. Self condemnation destroys us on every level please fight this with everything you have.

Thank you, so much, for your kind response. The feelings of stupidity and self-loathing are harder to overcome than the ending of the affair...

I'm sure it is and the fact you acknowledge those feelings is a good thing because then you can work on them. You didn't commit the unforgivable sin.
Don't be so hard on yourself. There are deep reasons why you did what u did and I know it doesn't make it right but u have the rest of your life to live and u get to choose how u live it. If you can't cope with the self loathing I suggest u get some help and the right tools to help you. Small steps one day at a time.