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Dating A Married Man

I am actually going crazy about this MM situation that I am into right now I had to open my mac to search for blogs on this topic that led me here. My partner, yeah, a married man, was my classmate in graduate school about 6-7 years ago. I knew back then that he had some physical attraction with me as he volunteered to take me home after our class. He successfully did for a couple of times and in those occasions he told me that he is already married and that I should not send him text messages or even call him. I respected that of course because I was not attracted to him although I must admit that I felt elated with his offers.

Mending a broken heart

We both stopped schooling and did not see each other for almost 4 years until early last year when I had the break up with my 2-year boyfriend. I was still madly in love with my ex during our first meetings and I never really thought of entering into any serious relationship with him. It was too late before I realized that I was already hooked in this crazy love with him. The out-of town trips and escapades made us closer and I appreciated his presence more, as he has never left me during the lowest low points of my life. He was so sweet and kind to me. The way he kisses me, embraces me and lets his fingers run through my hair proves that. He keeps on saying that he loves me so much, much more than he loves his wife. He said that even before we met each other he is already having difficulties in dealing with his wife but he cannot do anything but support her because of their two kids. He said that he couldn’t take it if his wife will take their kids away from him. This is basically the reason why we were always extra careful, always hiding.

No weekends, holidays and special days with him

I cannot text or call him during weekends and I have to wait for him to call me first when his wife is not around. We cannot be together on special occasions like Christmas even on his birthday and of course on special holidays. No pictures of us together on FB and no dealings with friends who know our status. But at least he introduced me to his subordinates, as he is a manager in an engineering company. But still, this did not give me the peace of mind and security that I always wanted. I am such an insecure lonely animal. I cannot talk to him, to my man, whenever I need someone to talk to. I cannot introduce him to my family and similarly, he cannot, or shall I say of course not, introduce me to his.

Madly in love

For the past few weeks since before the year ended, although I love him so much, I am already thinking of getting out of this relationship with him. I am madly in love with him. But I truly hate that feeling of thinking and asking myself whether he is having sex with his wife? Initially I was too afraid to ask him upfront about this but I finally had that courage and although I was expecting an answer of “NO”, which is unbelievable as it is inevitable, it hurts so bad to hear “YES, about once to twice in two weeks!” His response brought me to silence. Silence that made me think deeper and reflect on my current situation. Our countless making-love sessions were just so good I was never really satisfied like that before. I can feel how passionate he is to me each time we become one. But is this enough for me to justify staying with him? The wife, the kids, oh yes! A hundred of times the thought of me being a home wrecker already crossed my mind. I even read his wife’s messages to him. And most of the time his wife would call him, I can hear her angry voice from the phone, and I am witness to why he would make up stories and lie to her just to hide what we were doing.


Is there a “happily ever after”?

Yes we did have great conversations about the future, of what we are going to do, that he also wanted to have a child with me to keep us together for years. That we are going out of the country for us to be together for good. There was no moment when we were together that he did not say how much he loves me and that will always make me think most especially in times when I am already about to tell him that I must leave him.

Where to?

It has almost been a year now since then and now I am trapped in this dark relationship. I know that I am wrong but I must admit that I love him very much and I need him with me but I can’t have him. Not even 50% of him. I may sound so selfish but I am finding the strength in me to pick up the pieces of my life.

gabriellecute gabriellecute 31-35, F 23 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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Are you interested in telling your story in a documentary about infidelity? A lot of people would love to hear your point of view! I'd love to discuss the opportunity further. Please email me at workitcasting@gmail.com

Gabrielle, I know this post is also a year old, I would lie to know what's happenning now. I am also seeing a MM, April makes is 2 years. We met shortly after a horrible break up with my husband, i was very honest with him and we agreed that we he was just going to be a distraction. Before you knew it, we were lovers, friends and he has been my pillar of strength through a lot of bad stuff. When he first said he loved me I tossed every possibility to him, about me gtting left behind bla,bla,bla. He insisted he loved me dearly and the children were at a critical point and in 2 years they would be at better ages to deal with all this stuff. We are now a part of eachothers lives at different levels and I love him sooooo much. I love the kids and I feel like they are a part of me. I think fo them being hurt and it tears me up and strangely I think of his wife a lot too. I look at posts from time to time, in an effort to get a glimse of their lives but lately it's becoming too painful to even do that. He said he contemplated telling her and in a knee jerk reaction I felt her pain and I asked him not too. I secretly regret that but I think the issues that lead him to me are not because of me and as such I felt at the time he shouldn't introduce me as being the culprit.

Truth be told, I cannot imagine my life without him and I wish some light could be shed on us. He tries very hard to be with me as much as possible, nights, weekends and anytime in between. But you know it's nevr enough.

I can go on and on but I will stop and wait for your response or any one out there with a word to say .

Avi

I know this post is a year old but I wanted to say, im in the exact situation as you. I don'y know what has happened in your situation as of today but I hope you are happy. We, the other women, often find ourselves sad and very very lonely. Its nice to be able to read the words of others in my situation. Makes me feel less alone.

Hi there! I am better and moving on from my past. Still trying to work it out but life is so good there is always a better place for us no matter how bad a situation is. You are not alone dear!

Oh, how I sympathise, and understand just a little bit.
It's complicated.
I am a fit, naughty, 76 yr old in a sexless marriage. I have about it in several places in EP.
I do hope you find a way through.
I have had potential lovers from 18 up, and I am very flattered.
I am always clear that I would never leave my wife but, in a sense, the huge age gap protects us both.
However, I do feel that it might be possible to find a gf and lover who feels that, for a longer or shorter time, we could give each other some wonderful experiences.
I should love to talk more, If you want to. Even privately.
Peter xx

Gabrielle, you have the right to have your own man for a committed life long relationship. You will never find that while exclusively dating a MM. You have not said that you date any one else. You will have to try in order to get out of this situation.

You are certainly right...I have wasted too much time for this stupidity.

I feel for you. I also know about being in a dark sense of relationship with a MM. I am not a saint. I feel awful for what had become 3 years of being the other woman......from start thru separation and almost all the way thru divorce. He ended things a few weeks before his trial. He said he hadn't thought things thru completely about the ramifications of what people in his life would say about him. We had a wonderful connection and great emotional attachment. But as his trial neared, he got scared and couldn't face his mistakes and owning up to them. This unfortunately put me at the bottom. It hurts like heck thinking of all the plans and dreams we had. But in reality he never fully came to terms with his part in the demise of his marriage. He is so emotionally distraught that he feels he needs to shut me out in hopes that he can't erase me from his memory bank to try and cover up his secrets to family and friends. It feels awful knowing that when the poop hit the fan, he was only concerned about himself and hia situation. Granted they both were unhappy in their marriage for years, but he focuses only on the affair part and what people will say about THAT. It made me frustrated bc for 3 years I believed he was with me to start a future together. And no matter all the nice things he said about me in our last convo and how much I mean to him, how much he loves me and care for me and has feelings for me....he is now treating me like I basically don't exist. Its hardto swallow being told one day that he feels so comfortable with me and loves me, then a week later he wants to wipe me clean from his life. It blows!

I am so sorry to hear all these things...I hope that you feel better now...

**** tried to send this PM to you*****


Hi Gabrielle,

Just read through your post regarding your affair with a married man.....I have been there, done that, only I am the man and she was married. This was 26 years ago.

Gabrielle, I was wondering if you would be open to talking some....you did join a group that said you believed people come into your life for a reason, right?

If you were bare honest with yourself as you look at the raw circumstances, NOT influenced by feelings, what would you think of a man who would seek another woman outside of his marriage, carry on an illicit relationship without his wife knowing, AND lie to his wife, WHO HE TOOK VOWS WITH, to cover it all up?....NOW, add to that, what would you think of a man who thought so little of his children's live's, their emotional and mental well being, and risked hijacking their future from the trauma of what their dad did to their mother?

Gabrielle, it's so easy to listen to a married person justify themselves to the other person and all together make themselves sound like father of the year by pledging to stay for the kids because the kids mean so much when what they are really doing is throwing them under the bus, not to mention destroying their faith in the people closest to them.

Does this man look so good in your eyes now? Can you see how you have been party to the deception and destruction he surely is bringing on his wife and children?

Here's the real sobering note....if you leave him, he will just go to the next willing lady who is just dying for attention from a man, WHO CAN'T EVEN COMMIT TO HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN, let alone another woman......this is where pride needs to be tossed out on your part to realize that it isn't you, but a lie he is chasing after, the lust of his own heart....and if not with you, it will be with someone else....he has no inhibitions, nor conscience.

26 years later Gabrielle and though I have been forgiven by the blood of Jesus Christ, most days I can still almost cry over how I hurt that man's marriage by stealing hiswife away from him....guess what? She and I never got married either. She married someone else.

Gabrielle, I am in your corner here, but can you see your need to NOT be a part of this, and if you have even the smallest amount of faith, might you look to Jesus Christ in repentance to wash away your sins? To start all over as a new creation serving Him and not the lusts of what this culture encourages?

Okay, I will leave it there. Just please rememeber that this was delivered in much love and concern, not only for you, but for that man and his family too.....maybe you can hold up the mirror to him?

Pete

You want an honest opinion ..................Leave Him . He is baking his cake and eating it too. May be he is having trouble with his wife , but making excuse of kids love . bullshit .

He is enjoying the sex and love part , so if you are in for it fine , but don't expect anything more from him .

all the best

Thank you for your boldness. I just noted that women and men react to my story differently. Most guys would give very objective opinions. Although I must thank the ladies for showing empathy and encouragement,I get the honest opinion from most guys. Thank you, I really appreciate it.

I am in a very similar situation. I have been with my MM for 6 months, he told me he loves me and hopes that we are together a long time. I feel the same way about him. He has told me that he and his wife are only together for their daughter. He never wears a wedding ring. We spend a lot of time together and even just spent 2 days in Las Vegas last week. But like you said, the hard part is the little things, like holidays and dates and just hanging out together, that we can't do. I am monogamous with him, because I don't want anyone else. But it gets lonely. I know he is happier with me and I hope that he can find the courage to do what he needs to do to be happy. Just like your MM, he can't have his cake and eat it too. I am giving him some time to figure it out but something has to give eventually.
I am not saying that you are innocent but I think right now he is doing a disservice to his wife, to you, and to himself. It might help him to sort through all of this if he was able to talk about it with someone who is not involved, like a therapist.
The bottom line is, life is too short to be unhappy. If he was happy with his wife then he would not have fallen for you. Good luck.

Honestly, when we were still starting, I thought that his relationship with his wife was at its worst, enough for him to leave her. But as time goes by, I realized that it wouldn't be as simple as that no matter how bad their relationship already is. He told me that he initially of course tried to sort it out with his wife but maybe you were right, if he was happy with his wife and he would not have fallen for me. I don't want to be a hypocrite but no one wants to destroy a family.

I know if his wife found out he would denigh everything and would never even see me again. He made it clear at the start this is a bit of fun between him and me I made sure he knew it could not go too far even if he wanted it to. Other than that what we have is fantastic.

I'm very touched by your story...I am married and have been having an affair for nearly 6years. I knew it was wrong from the beginning, but was going through a rough time with my H, and fell in love with my dream Rennaissance man... My MM has had many relationships during his long marriage, and his wife had one at the beginning of their marriage. I think she had a drinking problem then. I can't imagine anyone wanting to be with anyone else but him.... and that is the issue. As lovers, we have their best erotic, sensual, love focused - self, and then there's reality to deal with.. Kids, school, work, taxes.. life, with their partner/wife.The fact that I am married too, maybe makes it "easier" for me, as I am busy with my family and life too. It WAS ok for about 3 years, we saw each other a lot and had a wonderful private time, and we started discussing leaving our marriages. I was going through two separate crises within my family, when his wife found out and he was desparate to hear that I would leave my marriage too. All I could answer was that I couldn't do it immediately. He told me he was going into therapy with his wife and was going into no contact with me for 90 days.. he came back after 30, but it was never the same. I was hurt and knew he cared more about his wife than about me. But I loved him so much.When I was ready to leave a year or so later, HE had some financial problems and couldn't leave..I have to say that logically, I see all of this as just a phase. I adore him, and in a different time and place, I would have loved to have spent my life with him, but it doesn't seem likely these days, it's more like old lovers and friends.. his wife hurts, so he feels terrible blatantly seeing me, when she's spying on him... When she didn't know it felt ok, it was our private moment. On the whole.. I am disappointed with myself for allowing myself to go to a dishonest place. I am not preaching, just stating that this "dark place" is indeed dark, and isolated and lonely, because it DOES carry shame with it. It's not who I am or planning to be, it's just my weakness.I find EP to be a good support, as I can't divulge all my inner feelings continuously. When you are not in an affair, you cannot understand what the hooplaa is all about. On the whole? It's a heartbreak in the making.I am still addicted to my lover and even though I contemplate stopping it, every day, I haven't been able to and he begs me not to....Best of luck sweets,Message/contact me any time.

I would never think of what I do as a proper affair you will find lots of my stories talk about it. We never have full sex there's a line we do not cross. Its been going a year and 5 months. I have not spoken to him, seen him outside his job or been on our own since well before Christmas and although for a while it seemed hard now its not too bad as I know come March there's at least a couple of chances where we might be able to spend most of an evening together and know we will not be disturbed.

EP is a great support its just great to be able to tell someone else what you are thinking and feeling.

I am a quiet person almost a bit shy but because no one here knows who I am and where I am I feel safe to say things usually I would not. It is to be honest liberating.

I know what we have can not last for ever he is 18 years older than me when he retires from work I will be unable to keep in contact. If I am honest I think we probably have another two to three years but I don't really care because that's then not now and what we have now is well for me perfect I get what I have always wanted from a man and he gets the hugs and kisses and a bit extra his wife stopped giving him years ago so for us right now its a win win situation. Yes he does feel guilty but only a bit and yes there are times when I wonder what the hell I am doing but at the end of the day currently no one knows we see each other very rarely and so I will happily continue if he is happy to continue and I know he is.

One thing good here in EP is that we get to share and discuss things with anonymity. This I find therapeutic as it somehow addresses our "listening" needs. We have our ways of dealing with life's challenges and it follows then that we should all be responsible for our actions. I sincerely pray for your happiness too...it is a matter of choice and overcoming our fears. Take care.

@marmelade - thank you for sharing too and I can only hope for the best for you. With all my reflections the past days I realized that we also have to love ourselves more than we love someone no matter how much it will make us lonely, or just take the risk going on and be lonely at a later time. The choice is always ours. It depends on what we need now. Take care. Hugs. -:)

It sounds like you need affirmation from others about the choice you are about to make. After reading your story, I know that you know that this whole thing is wrong. Remember? It feels so good to have something you can't have. And you said it yourself that this relationship is "dark," but how we crave for something that's not meant to be. And let's just say this relationship goes into fruition. You can probably expect that he will find someone else to cheat on you just as the way he's doing that with you on his current wife. It's a thrill for him--I bet he feels "alive" in the burning passion and lust he feels for you in contrast to his mundane and routine life at home. There's more fish in the sea. You deserve better!

Thank you for your boldness. Yes, there is absolutely more fish in the sea. I have to fix myself and keep going...:)

I ever experience that situation too, and I know its very hard for you to make a decision. Ask your heart about this and choose the best for you.

Thank you so much. I am crossing the bridge, had the courage to tell him what I want now. Thank you for all your support. :)

I completely understand your situation. Why don't you have a frank talk with your lover and see what he can do. It's hard to leave a marriage even if you are not in love. Sometimes we need a push, a trigger.

I already did and as expected, he said that what we have right now is the best that he can offer. He cannot leave his wife because of the kids but he said that he cannot afford to lose me he loves me so much.

...... good choice......It is not too late....God bless you....Go on girl...you can make it......If he can lie to his kids how much to you.......you are a strong woman.......It very hard but ...... It must.....Doing right decisions is one of a KIND..... thanks for sharing......

Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. Likewise, God bless! :)

Reading your post is almost like looking in a mirror. I have been in a similar situation for about six months. In my relationship we are both married. She is the love of my life and I am hers. We decided to end our relationship last week. Since then I have not had any contact with her and it's killing me. Being involved with a married person is always having to settle for less than you deserve. The promises our lovers make will always be made knowing that things will probably never change, even when we truly mean them. I have made those promises and had them made to me.

Whatever you decide to do in your relationship, remember...you are the one that must be happy. I have so much more that I would love to tell you, but my mind is running a mile a minute and just cant face all my thoughts.

Oh yeah, promises made knowing that things will probably never change. Of course I am made to believe, and I believed! - that he truly meant it.

Does he have any idea that you are thinking about ending things?

Yes, I told him straight and he wouldn't let me go. He told me how much he loves me more than his wife and that it is his first time to love a woman like that. Endless conversations then.

It seems that you have set your course. I know things will be rough for a while but you have friends and you can always vent to us here. Don't let him bully you or try to keep you involved with him. Whether he knows it or not, you are doing the best thing for both of you. Im here if you need to vent!

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You pidgeonholed yourself into a weird situation. I think most people will end up having an affair at any point in their lives. It happens.
But at the end of the day you know where your alliance is: with your partner.
If your lover interests you more than your partner, you should not be in your current relationship.
Also, I don't want to sound rude, but some guys are good lovers, and seem like they have strong feelings for you, they are tender and nice. But if he is not allowing any contact outside of your escapades, he just wants sex and a different cuddle. He won't admit it to you or himself. You should grow out of it.

Thank you. Yeah I must.

Instead of spending your time thinking and caring about a guy that uses you for sex and nothing more, why dont you try and find someone who isnt married and put effort into establishing a new relationship with someone who deserves your love. This guy is only making false promises by telling you what you want to hear so he can have his cake and eat it too. Im sure there are plenty of guys out there who would love to haveve you and only you in their life. It might take some dating, but eventually you will find someone who makes you feel good and doesnt have another life with another family.

That was pretty straightforward, sex and nothing more. But I must agree with you to further encourage myself to stop communicating with him. Yes, I have wasted my time, a lot of my precious time by seeing him for months now. I only wish for the right person to come. For now, all I have to do is to have enough strength to go on with my life, more importantly, love myself first. It may take some time for me to be prepared for another relationship.

i been in a situation like that with a woman waiting for her have spent over 2 years in it , its not easy and i feel for you i know how it can be . try to get out and you get pulled back in every time .

Hi. If you were my daughter I would say, "Honey, he will always find an excuse to stay with his wife." and " They must love each other, or else she would not be angry at his emotional and physical temporary disappearance." ...also, "What about YOUR future? Do you want to waste the best of your years on a man that loves two women? Don't you want someone that loves you alone? Don't you want a man that you KNOW you can count on? Honey, you are betting on someone that treats a marriage contract as something to be broken, so what will be in it for you?"....Listen, I am married to a man that loves me and only me. He can count on me and I can count on him. His high principals are reflected in his parenting and his friends admire his character. He never gives me heartache and I never doubt his word. ....I want the same for you but listen to someone who is older and wiser, this man can never be the best....he has proven to have a double mind. If you want happiness, you need a true love and love is faithful. God bless you and please think on what I have written. You CAN have love and it is going to hurt to be alone for a bit, but the reward can be a lifetime of happiness.....how can you ever find a good man if you are seeing a louse....and the man you may be meant to be with may marry another while you are fooling with a fool. Much love. Please take what i am stating with the care it is given....you just need a little encouragement....One more thing....you do not want to destroy a family....maybe one day you will have a family of your own....do unto others as you would want done to you. xoxo

Thank you for the kind words and encouragement - yes I badly need that. I totally agree with you. Sometimes I become ambivalent because I try to convince myself how good he is with me, how he treats me well but what you just said were all right. Of course I do not want to destroy a family. And I don't want to sound like a hypocrite but a couple of times how his wife feels when she crazily looks for where he is crossed my mind, but I am just a fool and still allowed myself to with him. Looking back I realized that I was just so vulnerable and mending a broken heart when we met again that it became quite easy for him to take advantage of my vulnerabilities. Now that I realized what I am getting into and wants to get out, I hope that I will have the courage to continue on with what I have started. Looking up, I ask myself, "Are you kidding?"

You can get to a good place. Of course there is going to be a bit of pain but I think you will be surprised at how quickly you will mend. Gaining your self respect back and really becoming emotionally available to a good man you are yet to meet are really really good reasons to rip off that band aid. Best wishes, sweetheart.

I've tried to leave many times but we keep getting back together. I'm trying again and feel stronger this time. It has been 3 years and I dont think I can wait any longer. I cant believe it has been 2 years since I started writing on EP and that I had always wanted to leave but failed. You'll know when you feel strong enough, I just wished I had the strength earlier...

Honestly I have been trying to do that since last year but he was just so good in making me good and making promises.

Polygamous relationship is the only remedy to deal with real issues regarding relationships. options must not be closed we should be very flexible and open to possibilities and suggestions

Well I am not closing my doors and am very flexible but I am just trying to correct my past mistakes. Sometimes no matter how objective we are in our professional lives we still find ourselves trapped in a situation we don't expect ourselves to be into because of our vulnerabilities.

In my view trust/respect and consent are the factors that contribute to have a bonding between the partners so if you have all these in place I am sure you can have a lovely relationship, I will be very glad to share more about the subject should you add me and we can have much faster and closer communication

I can see you're torn about the situation, the one thing that was mentioned he couldn't leave his kids. What are their ages and at what age would he leave them? When they are 18, graduated college. When exactly?

The sexually part with his wife is also thought provoking and disturbing at the same time. It is almost as if he is content in that relationship. Could be wrong but...

Good luck with your choices and take care.

Thank you for your support. Much appreciated. Your questions were almost exactly the same ones I asked myself, when? And yes, I think you were right.

I understand your problem my MM has grown up kids but his wife owns the house so he would loose everything. I can never call or text him unless its made to look like its from someone to do with work for instance I can never put a smiley or kisses at the bottom. I usually wait for him to contact me. We agreed that this situation can never become a full affair we have a line it can not cross we get close to it but thats it. He is 18 years older than me.

Thank you shall13. I absolutely believe that there are reasons for everything that happens in our lives, how I was brought to this site, shared my story, and now responding to your comment. I am still contemplating much and gathering strengthen on how to put my realizations into actions.

I found this site for the exact same reason as you. Its great to be able to tell someone about whats going on. Sadly I have not seen my MM on my own since before Christmas and with the weather as it is I will be a while yet before we have some time together. The big advantage I have is he is a mechanic and he deals with my car so when he does that he deals with it in an evening and does not charge me the cost of him doing it but in return we both get hugs and kisses and its bliss. If you look me up on here you will find I have lots of stories about him and me.

Thank you for sharing your stories as well. I browsed some of your stories and yes, we are in the same predicament. He did try to call me several times earlier and sent me SMS but I refused to take his calls. I honestly long for him. The nights have been so long and cold for me. But this is a must that I have to go through.

You have to do what you feel is right. I keep him in my head spend time with him when possible but always be aware that one day it will be no more and that next time could be the last. But I know since knowing him I have never felt more relaxed and happy.

I must admit that I too, upon knowing him, have never felt more relaxed and happy like you. For now, I take each day as it is. I don't know if he will ever call me or send me messages again.

add me in ur circle, wanna be with u

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