Frustrated And Confused

My relationship with my lover is so complicated. He's, of course, married to a woman of some years standing and I'm now a mother. We're best friends and each others soul mates. No one else I've met have I ever truly felt like this about, regardless of how I try.

Our not being together is a terrible mistake. We should be married and my child should be his.

We both know this is morally and socially wrong, but no amount of distance, no contact, or pretending makes our feelings for each other go away. It's not even about the sex, we've had none.

We connect. We understand each other. He can read my mind it seems, and I his.

I hate that we are not married. Hate it. He hates it too. It frustrates us both.

But what's sad is that while I love him, I don't want to hurt his wife. But the only way for us to be together is for that to happen. Because it's extremely unlikely that she's feeling this way about someone else. I mean it would be great, but highly unlikely.

And I'm a mom. I love my kid to death and would hate for them to see me go through this. Yes, I do date, but no one is him. I just get a sense that no one will come close to equalling what I have with him. I've tried settling and didn't work.

I don't know what to do or how to feel. Talking to him makes me happy. Being with him excites me.

What's funny is that while I want to be with him I'm not even sure I'm going to measure up if he did leave his wife. I don't ask about their relationship much. I'm afraid if I do then I'll find there's no way I can even come close. I know he's not with me for looks, she's far prettier. But in every other way? What if he ends up leaving and regrets it?

I know this is wrong, but I know/feel any other relationship will pale in comparison to this. I'd rather be his mistress than someone else's wife. Knowing it's unfair because they can't have all of me, even if I can't have all of him.
MissdeVere MissdeVere
31-35, F
5 Responses Mar 18, 2013

I am not a scorned wife, I am more on the misstress side of the equation. However, it would be a good idea for you to read what you wrote at least 20 times, "I don't ask of their relationship much, I am scared that if I do then I'll find there is no way I can even come close."

Read that sentence 100 times if you dont see anything wrong wrong with it. When you do. You'll realize that you have lost and that you put yourself in position #2. You dont really love him. You are addicted to him because he gives you crumbs of attention and commitment and your self denial, low self esteem coupled with the rush of falling in love hormones makes you say that you love him.

If you really loved him, you would have never gotten involved with him, because true love is selfless and allowing the man you love turn into a lying cheat is not love. Its neediness and desperation.

You need therapy to deal with your abandonment issues from childhood and work on your selfesteem. Only when you do will your heart be open to a man who is 100% there for you and committed to you. Dont you want to experience true love and intimacy?

I know that I am sounding harsh, but having fallen in love with an unavailable man and having lived a childhood with a crazy selfabsorbed narcissistic mother, I can tell you from experience what is going on. Wives can judge and be harsh, but none of them trully understand how it is to be you and why you do the things you do. You are not a bad person but you have to be honest with yourself and look for help.

hun I'm in a similar situation..... I am in love with a mm, only difference is that his wife lives miles away and he only sees her once in a completely in love with him but I don't want to break up a marriage cause I refuse to live with guilt forever, he married this lady when he was 24 and she was 39 she has 9 kids, so I honestly didn't take their relationship serious, but now I'm starting to realize that he did married her anyway so it doesn't matter what I think or say.....point is I rather him divorce her cause he's truly unhappy rather than me being the reason

If he was your soul mate he wouldn't be married.

We didn't realize it until after he married and I found someone else. And he's not in the position to divorce now.

In other words your not worth the divorce

Of course I'm worth it. But he's not in the position to do it. Nor would I let him at this moment. Even if it wouldn't benefit me. He has enough stress in his life and that would add on more unnecessarily.

I'm content to wait and see what happens.

Get over it your just the woman in the shadows. He could leave if he wanted to but the truth is he has a family at home and a **** he sweet talks. What position are you normally in? He has it all while you have to live on government assistant.

Are you just out to try and hurt me? If so it's not working. I ended up on it because of a job loss. There is no shame in that.

There is also no shame in my relationship with him. I'm his best friend first and mistress second. And I won't always be in govt asst. He's even offered to help and I turned him down.

As for my position.... I'm normally standing or sitting when I'm with him.

Thanks. I'm not worried about an anonymous person. I'm just being honest. We love each other and that's all that matters.

If he loved you why does he go 2 weeks without contact until you text him. I read your posts its clear you are alone in the future. And even if he leaves he will end up poor or hurt and you'll be blamed for his stress or sadness.No relationship survives all the issues and he will do the same to you. I am not being mean I am just telling you how this looks.

Btw I have laughed at you woman when you fight for the relationship and in the end I get an email telling me sorry and I am right.

So from my past posts you think you can predict my future? Our future? You don't know us and cannot possibly think you know better. There will be no email or statement you were right or anything else.

6 More Responses

He is married. Until he's not, you are morally obligated to stay away from him. If you don't, you are teaching your children to do what you are doing.

You sound like you are hanging in the middle. You have to either be in or out. If you're completely certain he feels the same way about you you have to go in there and try. You have to ask him if he's willing to dissolve his marriage for you. OR, even if he feels the same way and if you both think its a bad idea for him to ruin his marriage, you have to cut him off from your life. If he's always around and he's not going to be yours, is it such a good idea to keep him around? It hurts now but if you have to move on eventually you should make yourself start the