Frustrated And ConfusedMy relationship with my lover is so complicated. He's, of course, married to a woman of some years standing and I'm now a mother. We're best friends and each others soul mates. No one else I've met have I ever truly felt like this about, regardless of how I try.
Our not being together is a terrible mistake. We should be married and my child should be his.
We both know this is morally and socially wrong, but no amount of distance, no contact, or pretending makes our feelings for each other go away. It's not even about the sex, we've had none.
We connect. We understand each other. He can read my mind it seems, and I his.
I hate that we are not married. Hate it. He hates it too. It frustrates us both.
But what's sad is that while I love him, I don't want to hurt his wife. But the only way for us to be together is for that to happen. Because it's extremely unlikely that she's feeling this way about someone else. I mean it would be great, but highly unlikely.
And I'm a mom. I love my kid to death and would hate for them to see me go through this. Yes, I do date, but no one is him. I just get a sense that no one will come close to equalling what I have with him. I've tried settling and no....it didn't work.
I don't know what to do or how to feel. Talking to him makes me happy. Being with him excites me.
What's funny is that while I want to be with him I'm not even sure I'm going to measure up if he did leave his wife. I don't ask about their relationship much. I'm afraid if I do then I'll find there's no way I can even come close. I know he's not with me for looks, she's far prettier. But in every other way? What if he ends up leaving and regrets it?
I know this is wrong, but I know/feel any other relationship will pale in comparison to this. I'd rather be his mistress than someone else's wife. Knowing it's unfair because they can't have all of me, even if I can't have all of him.