Anyone Willing to Admit and Share?

Just would like to hear others stories about how hard this is...even though I know I shouldn't be doing it.  He has never promised me that he would leave his wife...we are very realistic with each other.  He is everything that I am looking for in a man, with the exception of already being married.  He doesn't complain about his marriage, and has never said a bad word about his wife.  He is kind to me, and has taken the time to get to know me better than any man ever has.  I have not put my life on hold for him, I am still actively searching for a man that will be available to me all the time.  I know that I deserve better and so does his wife.  My previous relationship ended very badly...and to be honest, I like the fact that I have my independence most of the time without being completely alone.  He is very attractive, and successful...and it sounds like a cliche' - but I know he loves me...and the feeling is mutual.

sunnybec sunnybec
36-40, F
26 Responses Aug 29, 2007

Hi Sunnybec,

It is a few years after your post which I have just read and I am amazed...your story applies to me in every way. My man and I are separated by distance and by both of us being married. We feel if we had met before that we would be together; that fate led us to meet now. We are deeply in love with each other, talk every day on the phone, and we feel the connection with each other, he makes me laugh, I make him smile...everything a relationship should have. We feel sad that we are apart; its an agony some days to not be together.
Now here is the "kicker"...we have never met in person. But somehow that doesn't matter; we feel as if we know each other, that we were meant for each other.
Yes the independent feeling is there; we each have our own lives and it works. As you said the feeling is mutual.
How did your relationship work out?
I cannot talk about this to anyone so I thought I'd see what everyone here has to say.

I will when I find a new female friend

I've had numerous affairs over the past 4 years, none of which were with married men, until just now.
I attempted to turn myself around and become a better wife and mother, so I've been affair free since march 2012, but as of last week I have gone way backwards and am now seeing a married man.
I expect this is only about sex for him, but I can see myself becoming emotionally involved with another womans husband. As of right now I do not feel sad for his wife. They sleep in separate bedrooms and have not had sex in months. If she cared about her husband and loved him like she should then he wouldn't be looking elsewhere for physical pleasure.
I am married and extremely bored and have completely lost all physical attraction to my husband. I have no desire to share anything with him: conversation, dinner, movies, sex,etc.
I too feel like this man is everything I need. He is everything my husband is not, which is what makes this extremely hard for me.
All of my past affairs have been extremely easy to give up, but I can tell this one is very different. This is a well established man, with a good career, and a family. He knows what it takes to be a dad and he is able to support his wife and kids AND still goes above and beyond to treat ME like a qeen! He is my perfect man and I just feel like our "relationship" is going to become very confusing for me.
I decided to join this site and post about my experience because there is not one person in my life who knows of what I'm doing. I decided to keep this exclusively between myself and him. So I have to get this off my chest and share with others who are having similar experiences.
I wish all of you the best in your current situations! Thanks for reading. I wish I had my story put together better, but posting this was an impulsive decision and its a very new "relationship". I do plan on posting as things happen. And hopefully I can connect with others like myself!!

Hi, I wrote once before but well things for me moved forward a bit its now not as platonic no not all the way just my hand helping him in that way ladies have been helping men for years. Also we have now been doing what we are doing for a year and yes at times it does still feel odd but also wonderful.

After reading all about you lot. What I have is very tame. He is married and got two grown up kids. He is the mechanic that deals with my car. He's older than me by about 18 years. It all started with a comment he made. A picture stuck in my head. Then he was moaning about his family and I suggested he needed time away from home to think things through so he and I spent a nice afternoon at the coast. It went from there and then one day he admitted thinking about me when he was bored at work and I confessed my feelings for him. What I expected his reply to be was not what he said. He basicly said as long as the wife never knows then fine by me now can we have a proper snog and we did. We have agreed sex would be wrong although if I changed my mind he would happily do it but its not what I want as I told him what we have is perfect for me and just what I have always wanted. We do not see each other very often but when we do and the situation is right we do share some wonderful kisses. Do I feel guilty well as it is no not at all. My parents are aware and think its just a platonic friendship however he and I both know it goes deeper than that. Yes if he left his wife I would be with him but I know that won't happen so for now what we have is great will it last no I do not think it will but the time we are having together is fantastic and according to people I know I look healthier than I have in a long time and I am not worrying like I used to so he must be having some sort of good affect on me. He is also the best kisser I have ever had.

Katherine and Justtheotherwoman, I am so grateful to find your happy ending stories here. Thank you for taking the time to share! I have been seeing my married guy for two years this January. I have found him all sorts of uplifting books regarding his situation, but incredibly, it's so difficult to find anything very positive about being the other woman. <br />
<br />
I have come to understand, though we're all here because we feel a connection to this man, everyone is individual. My guy's wife avoids him like the plague. Sexless marriage, and I do know that in fact aside from anything he tells me. I think she's afraid to leave him because of the financial stability. The weekends drive me crazy. She doesn't want to be anywhere around him, and he wants to be with me, and I want to be with him, but he continues to play husband. This is changing. He's now trying to find some time with her to get her to come to a rational conclusion it's best they part. They have nothing in common, she's been married to him for 20+ years and has never attended any of his sporting events, nor does she know his best friends. When the kid goes to college, she wants to move to manhattan and that's the last place he wants to go. <br />
<br />
I related with justtheotherwoman's comments... everyone who knows us understands how right we are together. Though, it is starting to drag on too long now, for me. I am starting to see him in a different light that I have feared. I am losing respect for him in taking so long. I try to warn him, but he's still dealing with trying to exit in the "correct' way. I know he'll do it, as he's faced the future... their marriage is just dead. Without me, he's a lonely guy on a bar stool. I've had strength through all of this and can hold my head up high, and it would be the same in facing the divorce. But, how do you balance all the really good that is there between the two of you, with not getting caught up at looking at him as such a weak man? I know we all have problems we have to face and it does take each and everyone of us time. But, does that respect return after they've stood up and made things right? <br />
<br />
I'm leaving him emotionally, and he knows it. And it's what is causing him to move more quickly on this. But, the fact that I had to get to this place for him to move... why?!!!! Why couldn't he do it on his own? <br />
<br />
I would love to hear more of the aftermath, after the married guy finally makes his life right. And by the way, to the karma's a ***** dude... I'm sure I feel like so many here. It would be lovely if men could straighten out their own life before they pursue available women, or condemn others of which they really know nothing about. The reason we're talking about this is because it's been happening for centuries. It would be wonderful if people could keep their marriages together or leave it honestly.

I am willing to admit I am in the same situation. It works for me at the moment because I am living in another country and still trying to network. I am open to meeting someone new and he wants that for me too. I am under no illusion - I know I will not marry him but right now it works. I am happy with him, he treats me well and I him.<br />
Ofcourse, there is always question in the back of my head of how long this can go on for and am I truely allowing myself to meet Mr Right while I am still seeing him? But, like you say life is not so simple... and would be pretty boring if it was!

I would just like to say that anyone who says that the wife has it harder than the other woman has more than likely not been in both positions. I HAVE and I can honestly tell you that the Other Woman has it at the very least as hard as the wife and in my experience WAY harder! I am willing to admit that I also fell in love with a married man. Head over heels, deeply, passionately in love with a married man. I became the woman I had hated all of my life. Sure didn't do it on purpose, nor did he. We fought it for months. We did finally give in and we are both so much in love and so happy when we are together. BUT he had a wife. And he made me no promises. We had a pact from day one - No promises, No regrets. It has been a year since we began this journey. Only 7 months since we became really serious. It was never your typical deep dark secret affair. We have always gone out in public, have been very open with our families and friends. Even his wife AKA Dragon has known about me, just not the full extent of our relationship. Anyway to make a very long story short things progressed, feelings deepened and his Dragon figured it out. She gave him the ultimate ultimatum about 10 days ago. Me completely out of his life or her. He told her she may as well start packing because he was not giving me up. They are filing for divorce this week. They have agreed to how everything should be split. She is leaving the girls with him. He has helped her search for and apply for an apartment. I see the light at the end of the tunnel for a happy ending for us. This is clearly a very condensed version of my story! There have been many extreme ups and downs. Top of the world one day and depths of Hell the next. I had considered leaving him for his sake so he could save his marriage several times, but each time we would both end up little heaps of sobbing mess! We are in love. We are meant to be together, we can not change or deny that. Everyone who know either of us sees it. We still have some tough roads ahead of us I know, but we are on the right road even though in the beginning it looked so wrong. Good luck to you. Follow your heart. It knows where you need to be!! <3

How did things work out for you? I'm in limbo right now...says he wants to leave and she just found out about us...

Interested in knowing how this one worked out?? Totally understand your story!

I am willing to admit that im in the same boat. I have been dating a married man for about 2 months now but i have known him for about 5 years and he has been married the whole time....hes like my best friend and has been this entire time... we both thought about "what if" but neither of us every acted on it....hes everything that i look for in a family loves him (my family DOESNT know about what is going on between us ) hes very attractive, hes financially well off, a GREAT personality and i have always been soo happy around him ( before all this). i have never once asked him to leave his wife, but he has brought it up... i am a firm believer that god brings people into your life for a reason and that you dont get to pick who you fall in love with.... i dont plan on stopping this and from what i understand neither is he....its all very confusing and it doesnt help that im in a serious relationship myself...

THanks for sharing your story! I am in the same boat, but my situation is a tad different. I went to law school, already smart, independent, not even looking for love, but I became friends with my married friend. He would always be there for me on an emotional level. Once I knew I had feelings for him, I was honest and told him how I felt, but nothing changed. We did not even get together physically, he is that loyal. To make a long story short, I have done everything I could to show how I feel. I am tired of not getting any attention. He can stick to a troll and being miserable. I will focus on becoming rich and powerful. If he ever gets free and has common sense to follow his heart, maybe I will be there and maybe not. All I know is that I won't make it easy any longer. Tired of these dumb games where you have to pretend that it's OK to be in the dark.

After reading all these messages, my resolve has been strengthened to end my three year affair with a married man. He has promised me he would leave, but the time never seems to be right. When I try to end things he gets very upset. We do spend a lot of time together. He is more at my house during the week and weekends than home. We have vacationed together and he has spent many holidays with me and my family. BUT.....he just won't leave. He has every excuse in the book. He tells me even when he does leave he will still make sure she is doing okay financially. She has a job. She's a lawyer/judge. She can support herself. As happy as he can make me, he causes me great pain as well. If he really loves me, and only me.....I know he would have left by now. I blew up at him today and basically told him all this again for the 100th time. As emotionally connected and intimate our relationship may be, it's time for me to let it go. Thanks for this website to open my eyes once again.

The reason why it is so hard to figure out, is because its not meant to be this way. God did not put us here to love each other this way! He is with you because , like most men, he is bored with his wife, I am assuming here... The same person day in and day out, gets old I am sure.. But he should be trying to make that work or leave before pursuing another relationship. Point blank.. He is NOT the one, and if you think he may be, you might end up in a similar situation as his wife, 5 years down the road!

just the other woman - I truly have had the same things you are feeling. All that I can tell you for certain - and that is evidenced over and over by this web site - is that we all feel that we have this incredible connection and that we have found the men of our dreams. It may even be true. But if he isn't willing to pack up and get out of the marital home pronto - move on. I know it is hard. I did it myself. My guy came crawling back and did leave although he had so many complications at home (severely disabled child that no noe is quite sure the ex can handle her properly). If he could leave that situation, any other guy should be albe to leave. If not, plainly put, he is just having his cake and eating it too and your both letting him. If that is okay for you - stick with it. If you however want happliy ever after - you move on with your life. He will either run after you and if you still feel the same and he has severed all ties, you give him another chance. If he runs after you with the same old line of bullshit, don't let him in. Guys have been doing it for years and women hang on by a thread of hope only to end up alone on birthdays, holidays, when they really need someone picturing their man in bed with another woman - yuck. And I've heard it go on for 20 years where the man promises he is leaving next month or next week or when this kid graduates or when this kid gets married. They will never leave. I read a statistic that said if the man doesn't leave in the first 3 months, he is probably not likey to leave at all. They look at this little diversion as a break from their miserable marriage and feel that when they go back they are refreshed and we are used and heartbroken. When I look back, I can't believe how long I put up with it. I only regret it because I will forever have doubts. Doubts about what took so long. I've been there - I've met her - I've seen their finances - any other man would have welcomed the opportunity to run out of there. Why he stayed = I'll never understand. He said it was for the kids but I see now, he isn't close with them AT ALL. The disabled child is another story - I could see how he feels responsible and guilty but in the end, staying in an unhappy place basically alone emotionally and physically can't be right for anyone. I think now the ex has more time than she ever had to herself when he takes the child for weekends and such. All in all I think it is all better for everyone. But they need to come to that realization. If he loves you like he thinks you do and you want him to youself, lay some ultimatimes and stick to them. Delete his info - don't answer his calls and start dating. If he is serious, he'll come looking for you a free man. If he doesn't you need to move on to find someone that loves you and doesn't have so many complications. I recently read it takes men longer to decide on the woman they want to be with but once they decide - it is a done deal. Where as women decide first but then become wishy washy. Just don't wait too long. Life is so short and you shouldn't have to share your man with anyone. Good luck.

I am in a relationship with a married man. It has only been more than best friends for 5 months. The whole thing has transpired over the past 10 months. He still loves his wife but is not in love with her. He wants out of his marriage but he wants her to be the one to end it, She is aware of me but not the extent of our relationship. I want him to be mine completely. He is the most wonderful man I have ever met....... aren't they always? I have struggled with this from the beginning. We both tried to keep things platonic, we really did, but the chemistry between us is amazing. Don't get the wrong idea here though, this is not a sex ba<x>sed relationship. Whereas we have taken it to that level it is not the basis of our relationship, it is a rare benefit due to our very busy schedules and the commitments that we both have, I want things to work out for us the way we both feel they are supposed to but I am not very patient and I keep thinking I really should. end it. We do have other ties that will not allow us to just walk completely away from each other. Sometimes I feel like he created those ties on purpose, not to be mean but because he wants to keep me close even if I decide I can't do this anymore. I have had the words on the tip of my tongue several times. But I can not say them. I love him with all my heart and soul. A smile, a hug, a kiss.... and I am once again hopelessly devoted to him. I can't control my feelings and I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. He makes me happier than I have ever been in my entire life and he says I do the same for him. This is not a big secret affair either. He has taken me to his family and friends and has been to mine as well. We go out in public and he will hold my hand and hug me even in the town where we live and where everyone knows us. It is a matter of time before we get caught we both know that. Time will only tell what happens at that point. He has told his wife that he is not in love with her but she is holding on to him for dear life and is even pretending that she wants to be my friend. I pray that one day he will be able to be committed to me the way that I am committed to him. If not I imagine the day will come when I can't justify the pain that this causes me and I will be able to let him go, but for right now I cherish the time we have together, I can't imagine my life without him, there are not words to say how much he means to me or how much I love him. Do you feel the same way about your man? Are you sure you really want to leave him? Can you picture your life without him? Anyone who thinks "the other woman" has an easy role is so mistaken. This is the most difficult thing I have ever done in spite of the fact that it makes me so happy! Good Luck with whatever you decide to do. I hope you find true happiness..... and I hope I do too, <3

Thanks Katherine. I haven't heard anything further from him (he texted twice asking me why I deleted him and was I really just going to erase him without saying why - I ignored his first text and the next day when he texted I just said back that I wasn't going to discuss by text - he said ok - and I left it at that). I feel pretty good. Sure I have sad moments, and I miss certain things - but I don't miss the frustration and hardly ever seeing him. I'm not going to be a bandaid for his crappy marriage any longer. If he came out of his marriage because he realized it was over and he was the one who pulled the plug on it then in time I'd give things a chance. If he came out of his marriage because his wife ended it - no way. I have no idea if I'll hear from him again. Honestly, I don't think I will and I'm ok with that. Deleting him was a big thing for me. It was symbolic too. How are things going for you? Good I hope!

Good job deleting his info - block him from calling if you can. Move on. Don't wait by yourself while he works on saving his irrepairable marraige. Even if he does come out of it and comes back to you - do you really want to win him on default? I woundn't. You need and should be loved by someone who loves you exclusively and puts you first. This guy had his chance - now he is only taking advanatage of you. Move on. Good luck and keep me updated. <br />
OH - NO I didn't see him while I was dating - I did talk to him from time to time but much less - I didn't answer the phone 3 out of 5 times that he would call.

Thanks Katherine, Did you still see him when you were starting to date other men or did you end things with him? My MM has basically said now is not the time for him to leave - he doesn't know if his marriage will survive or not. I'm tired of it. Tired of being alone on holidays, not seeing him on weekends and not being able to rely on an actual person to have available to me if I need him. I deleted him from blackberry messenger on Thursday. Honestly, I had no words for him. Another weekend was going to go by without him making time for me and enough was just enough. So I didn't get mad or even tell him - I just deleted him. I'm not going to be contacting him. I don't know if I did the right thing or not, and if he does want to talk then I might. I'll see. Today was Valentines and I got no message or email or anything from him. To be honest, that just strengthens my resolve to forget about him and move on. Easier said than done, but I'm free - I ended my marriage because I was settling. Silly to then get into another "relationship" where I'm settling. I'm glad to hear some stories of people who it worked out for.

I would say make him miss you by ending things with him. You don't know what you got until its gone. He may miss you n come back, he may not. Time will tell. Goodluck.

Wandawatson069 - I've tried to reply several times but for some reason it never gets posted - trying again.....we were FWB for a year before I told him I wanted to know if we were going anywhere or not. I needed to move on with my life. He said he couldn't leave because of the kids and he didn't like me dating but understood. That lasted about a month. He asked me to stop the Match thing and he would be leaving to be with me. That was in Dec of 08. He didn't file until Jan 09 - mostly due to his father becoming very ill and that became his focus. He did NOT live in the marital home during that time. His divorce became final Jan '11. It all took way longer than I ever would have imagined and it definately tested our relationship throughout. But I'm trying not to look back because now things are like we had always hoped and we are together. It sounds like your being smart about this but if he has no plans to ever leave, you either need to be okay with that or end it. When my guy had initially said he couldn't / wouldn't leave - it killed me but what could I do. I could have said okay and spent many nights, holidays, birthdays alone - but I didn't want to do that - I did it for a year by choice and didn't really like it. That is why I said it is not okay and that we were done. He changed his mind obviously. I wish you luck - this entire experience has been such a roller coaster ride of emotions. I'm happy I waited it out but if anything I wish it would have gone faster.

Katherine: How long were you guys FWB before you joined How long did it take him to tell you he wanted you to quit and wait for him? When he said "wait" what did he mean? My MM has said a few times he would never ask me to "wait" for him. Not sure what that means because he's said he isn't 100% sure about leaving his wife (he says he's mainly staying for his daughter) so I've just left it and am going about my life. I still see him - I do love him - but my mindset is good - I go out, see other men, do what I want. Figure if he wants to make me his alone then he knows what he's going to have to do, otherwise one day what we have will end. So how long did it all take in total for you guys? I am prepared to walk away if and when I meet someone else who is single and available who I am interested, but I'm not at this point letting on to him that I'm seeing anyone else or looking. When I have said before I was going to date and tell him every detail he admitted that he didn't like it one bit, but he had no right to make any demands of me. I've kind of just decided to let things end up the way they will end up. But I'm not letting myself put both feet in with him if he doesn't have the same with me. How are things going for you now? Thanks for sharing your story.

I was in your shoes at first as well. We were good friends - I needed a friend - he was there for me in so many ways. He was married but up until that point didn't really have a bad thing to say. We operated as "friends with benefits" for a while - I thought it was unrealistic for me to think he would leave his family for me so I never asked. Instead I joined and started dating people. I was very open and honest about it - he told me he didn't like me doing that at all and he wanted me to quit and wait for him. That he wanted to be with me. So I wait. It has taken longer than I had hoped but he will be divorced in 2 weeks and I am excited about being able to start our life together. You have to be prepared to walk away. Time goes fast and we all get older. Take advantage of your age and make sure you aren't that woman than waits in the shawdows for 10 years and then ends up alone.

I'm going through some then like that but he feeds me. Lies like he wants leave her and very much like urs he prolly nw me better than neone to be honest I do love him very much but how long can u stay by urself wen ur inlove with sumone

At present I have nothing to admit to doing. I have been in your shoes and what surprises me is that you have feelings for him. I never had feelings for him.

I have had lovers over the years. All of them were long term. The affairs ended for logical reasons, marriage, relocation etc. <br />
<br />
You are right about him. I always had strong feelings for my lovers. After all, sexual intimacy spawns feelings for both persons.

yep my married bf had originally said, i just want sex I am not leaving her. ENd of August 2012 hea said, I want to leave the rejecting controlling *****. and i hope he can. I'll find out by December after his Mum dies. What he does then will tell me everything about wheteher hes a wimp like the rest or if he is serious

My onyl advice to everyone is to keep yoru head, keep doing the things you love, and dont forget about you. Yoru heart will tell you when enough is enough and its time to find a "real guy"not a pretender/

Good luck all, it is a tough road.

P.S. I dated other men the whole time to, which made the situation even more frustrating because none on them compared to him!

I'm gald you liked my story. I can also relate to your feeling of not wanting to leave him anytime soon. I beleive it is a process that is different for everyone. It took me four years to come full circle and view my situation differently. For some it lasts months for others years. I still value the experience I got from the relationship. Although it was unfulfilling in many areas it was enriching in many others. Life does not live up to the cookie cutter image many hold in their minds. It's real, grimey, emotional and a bit of a rollercoaster. This happens more than not. Its an experience which is what life is all about.<br />
<br />
Good Luck.

I'm willing to admit and share that what you are going through isn't anything compared to what his wife and children (if he has them) would feel if they knew. <br />