Am I Crazy?

I'm also seeing a married man, someone I met on myspace. It was only sex, but now I'm starting to have feelings for him. After spending the day reading stories and advice blogs about this, I think I've lost my mind. This is never going to go anywhere and I am severely limiting myself. How can I possibly find someone to be with when I'm constantly waiting for the phone to ring or for him to come on-line. So, am I crazy?Anyone else out there with this dilemma?
guzzimama guzzimama
46-50, F
34 Responses Sep 1, 2007

I am married and have been with my husband for 12 yrs. I dated a married man for 8 yrs. In my experience it wasn't that bad because I always had my husband too. I never expected nothing because I was married also. HOWEVER, dating a married man came with so much heartache on both sides. I loved him, but loved my husband and the same with him and his wife. I couldn't see him when I wanted and it was so hard to make time for one another. We got caught on several occasions by both of our spouses which hurt everyone involved. It was just so complicated. It was very exciting, but my heart got broken on so many occasions. Not to mention we both have kids. I do not recommend this lifestyle whatsoever. It's draining and you will get hurt some form or fashion.

I have been in your shoes for a very long time. Almost 13 years. They do not leave. Leave him now and move on. I've left my friend alone but keep going back. It's a miserable life.
To the ones who call us home wreckers, I am sorry but the cheating husbands are the home wreckers. Mine cheated on my for 17 years. I never blamed the women.. It was him.

Statistics are on YOUR side. If you get out now, there is a good chance he will follow you. If he doesn't, he never will. Best of luck xo

Honey, run!!! I, too was in a similar situation and I can tell you with certainty you will only end up heartbroken and he will not lose a thing. If only I'd read these stories before I was in too deep, but I didn't so I had to suffer unspeakable pain. Please listen to!

I'm not going to shut you down because I know the pull of the relationship you are in firsthand. If it starts off on MySpace as a way for him to let off steam, it ain't going nowhere and you are, in fact, wasting your time. That being said, it's your time to waste. Maybe this is what you need now, a safe relationship with no expectations. If not try to move on or at least don't let it dominate your time and mind. Go out with other people. The more you do that the less attraction he has for you. You will learn that even though there might not be that exact same fish in the sea, there are others, maybe even better ones.

i got one word for you ***** he married like what the hell?? what would you think if his wife found out?! your crazy

If you are going to be with a married man, you must do it with no expectations. You can have another man or other men that you see. If you are looking for commitment, then a married man is not for you! You have to understand why it is married men do what it is they do. If you do not understand this, then a married man is not for you! Married men are free spirits, looking for excitement. Their wife is not sexually satisfying their needs or their desires. Or it could be as simple as the wife have stop taking care of herself physically. Men are very simple to understand<br />
I have seen a few married men and I personally am fine with it. Due to the fact that they are not demanding of my time. My life/career has not allowed me to have a serious relationship for the last fifteen years. I feel that you just have to know what your expectations are within the constraints of your lifestyle is all.....

I dated a married man a very very long time ago and I am telling you its not worth it.He lied to me over and over again telling me just what I wanted to hear and at the end he left me with some lame excuse.Its not worth it.I was turned off to the whole dating scene after that for a while.

i have amarried man too for a year.everything has been perfect until <br />
two days back when his wife found out.his not willing to leave me and even talked to his father about me.the problem is i dont want his wife to leave.we are just into each other and the feeling is just right after coming out of un loving relationship fro happy here wanna live right here a little longer.

Love is whatever you find in life. There are always too many rules. A lot of us men try to be faithful because the woman wants that in most cases, maybe we succeed 100%, maybe only 99. The women make the rules if you ask me, so make whatever rules you like, but dont beat yourself up for loving someone. For being stuck on them, maybe thats a self limiting belief, you can have whatever you want in life.

I just recently went through a divorce after being with my husband for 8 years. His friend who lives 5 hours from me and I started chatting on Facebook. It turned into flirting, and since July we have been meeting up once a month, having sex, and enjoying each other's company. He has been married for a long time, but isn't happy. He just told me a couple moths ago that he is in love with me and wants to divorce his wife. They have 4 kids I have 2. He said he wasn't going to tell her he wanted the divorce till after the holidays. Now he is saying he will def tell her this month. I am also in love with him, and willing to move to where he is. I am just feeling very alone lately. I am very scared that he isn't going to tell her. He doesn't like confrontation, and arguing. He is very scared of what's going to happen once he tells her. We talk on the phone every day and chat daily on facebook too. It is making me so depressed and stressing me out big time. I bring it up all the time. He is getting frustrated that I keep bringing it up. If he doesn't tell her soon, I am going to have to break it off. I have had at least 6 guys that live where I live want to date me. But turned everyone down, due to this relationship. I just don't know what to do, and if I will be able to dump him. He makes me feel so wonderful. We are so much alike. HELP!

See above.

Darlin, Go out with the other men!!!! It is really want what they cant have. He gets mad when you bring it up well that should tell you that he dont want to bring it up. Start by calling one of the other men and ask him if the offer is still available. If it is set up a date. Then if you want do it with the another man. But run like hell away from the married ones. OR simply say " well if you wife says its ok then well go." That should stop them in there tracks. But you deserve better!!!!

It's morally wrong and you know it is. Stop it now.

dear guzzimama <br />
Well i think if the guy really loves you he will be with you and leave his wife im closing my fingers for you situation . I hope everything gets better. Dont give up on him but keep your mind open that there is a possiblity that he could end up with his wife

look by your age ur either too old to think about fornication wiht a married man, u kknow what.. if u have sex with him at day think bout it at night and have the answer, or reverse

Crazy? maybe. Stupid? definitely. A homewrecking sluut? Of course. Sorry truth hurts. but just move on.

You know....people come to this website for advice &amp; help, not to be chewed down or belittled by someone who doesn\'t even know her. You don\'t like her story, skip it and move on to the next one. Cheating is a choice not a mistake and it\'s real life and happens more than you think. Start keeping an eye on your never know what\'s happening to you. . .

1. You deserve better. Why would you ever settle for 10% of a man when you deserve 100%?<br />
<br />
<br />
2. You are destroying his wife's life. She WILL find out. And she will be shocked, devestated. and she will blame herself. Don't do this to a fellow woman, we need to stick together and take care of each other.<br />
<br />
3. This guy is an *** hole.

I know how you feel, i feel the same way to that if i let him go i may regret it. But i have decided that if i find someone else to date i will go for it and try my best to make it work without comparing the 2. Maybe that way it will be easier to let go.

Ive been seening this married man for a little over a year now. I had never done anything like this before and told myself I could handle it and remain just as detached as he could be. I was just coming out of of bad marriage myself and just wanted to hang out with him. When I tell you this man has taken me places emotionally I never thought was possible, sometimes its hard for me to beleive. It didn't even start off sexually. In the begining we would just sit and talk for hours. I feel like he groomed me for this like a pimp grooms his *****.

I have had the unfortunate experience of becoming involved with married men on multiple occasions throughout my life: once in college ( I had no idea until after I left the situation) once last year (he told me he was in the process of a divorce and I naively believed him) and currently I'm in the process of figuring out how to stop a married man dead in his tracks who is currently pursuing me. You last statement in you comment is so accurate. These men know exactly what they are doing! Don't let them succeed! A man ( married or single)that cannot respect you as a human being can never love you.

this is sad girls...why bother..the men that cheat are low lives that dont even deserve a girl like you!

I've actually been struggling this past year with the idea of seducing a married man I work for. Unfortunately, he's my advisor. I'm not sure when the idea developed but ever since I keep going through these cycles of desiring him, distancing myself from him because I know it's wrong and then wanting to be close to him again. Every time I decide to distance myself it seems to backfire. I know he isn't stupid and has probably figured out I have feelings for him. I'm really frustrated with myself for having these feelings of desire for him. Especially because I'm in a relationship. I've talked to my boyfriend about my obsession. He knows if the opportunity ever did present itself I would probably cheat on him with this man. I'm sure he's wondering what this man has that makes him so desirable to me. I'm still trying to understand why I want this man so much or why what he thinks about me matters so much. Why is it that I'm always looking for validation from him about the work I do for him and when I get this rush and when he's disappointed I'm completely crushed. How do I get over him?

I too am involved with a married man. It all started as a outta town trip with a few co workers. it ended up as a drunk night and we messed around.. Its only been about a week.. But i just dont know what exactly i should do. he tells me he is not happy at home with his wife.. i want to stop it since it is not way into the "affair" but im afraid too. ive been working with him for about months and have always liked him. i just feel there is a possibilty that he might leave his wife but at the same time i highly doubt it..when we barely started messing around i told him i cant do this your married and you seem so happy. his response was i;m not but i dnt wnt every1 2 know that my life at home is bad.. i just dont know what to do. Can any1 help me????

If this last comment from a married man speaks volumes. They can put up the "barrier about the love stuff." With me it did start as sex. Problem was the fantastic time we spent together chips away at the barrier. For me it was impossible to understand that all the time and experiences we shared did not mean he was falling in love with me just as I was falling in love with him. I did not understand, and honestly still don't, that he can want to be with me, he can look at me "that way", we can share so much (not just physically) but he can leave me and put all of those feelings in a box.<br />
I am still talking to my married man, although I don't know when, or if I will see him again. He wants to, and well so do I, but I am understanding more and more that I want more from a relationship and life than he can ever give me. It does break my heart, but I am understanding that being alone on my birthday, Christmas, New Years, Valentines, or whenever is better than spending those days, and well all days, wishing I was with him, and knowing he is with her.

Advice from a married man who has had affairs. Keep them fun and not demanding. Enjoy the physical side but put a barrier up about the love stuff. Playing with a married guy is like playing with fire. You can get burnt if you do not watch it. There is a real bond in marriage and you are unlikely to want to break up his marriage. What if it does not work out for you two once your together. Plus its messy and costly. Keep it simple. Keep it really discrete and the excitement will last. Too much want and you will scare him away!

I am in a similar situation. The man I am seeing is married, I know there is no future, I can honestly say I dont want him to leave his wife for me. But I love him. I know someday I want to have someone love me back fully. But I just cant end it. He is go great. We only see each other ever couple of months, but text daily and talk a few times a week. He is such a great guy, very close to his mother, and his extended family (no kids), he does so much in the community, he is physically perfect. Well he is perfect.... but he is married. I want to end it, and I know I will (or at least that is what I tell myself) but I cant right now. Honestly part of me is worried that there is no one else out there for me. I know the reason it contunues is a self-esteem issue. My friends tell me I am beautiful, and I used to be a model, but I allowed my former husband to crush my confidence. The lie I am currently telling myself is when I lose 10 lbs I will end it. Then I will be more confident to go out and meet someone whose life I can share. I guess I should say that we met on line about 3 years ago, and met in person for the first time one year ago.

I am still in the situation, 18 months in. His wife found out about us last month. Home life for him is hell right now. He's contemplating what he's going to do. He also has the added embarasment of living in a small town and heavily involved with two churches.<br />
I still carry the hope that he will leave her and come to me, there are no children involved, which is a blessing. Anyway, i continue to wait and get older, being lonely most of the time. Only thing I can't do is give up...I'm afraid if I do, I may regret it.

You are delusional. What you have with him is a fantasy. Imagine if you were both in the same house, you'd have to live with the toenail clippings on the floor, the farting in bed, the streak marks on the toilet bowl basin...Get a real man and leave this sad boy with his wife ( who should kick him to the curb).

i don't know if you are still in this situation, but i am as well - don't know what to do - HELP!

Reverse psychology that is so cute!

My Married Man...he says he loves me but HAD TO Just Had To take his abusive wife and grown daughter (23)<br />
to Florida. for xmas. He had to..I don't buy it anymore. I am heart broken. He is with is wife the horrible one<br />
for xmas. Me, the good one is alone. Merry Xmas

You're not crazy, you're simply filling a void in your life. I, too am in your situation and looking to get out as well. Once you allow this person in your life its like an avalanche; completely out of control. The few times I've felt some semblance of sanity is when I've come to the understanding,as you wrote, that chances are it won't go anywhere, he won't leave his wife and the dynamics of your relationship with him are such that he's not the kind of man you can have a steady relationship with at any rate. So take it for what it's worth until something better comes along. Don't think of him as the love of your life, but as somone who is there to help you transition into what you truly deserve and are looking for. We will come out of this as stronger people, if for no other reason than being able to survive the experience! Good luck to you.

I like what you said Lois.

I like your reply too Lois.

Thank you, that was the most sensible advice I've received yet!

Behavior changes attitudes. See other men while seeing him. <br />
<br />
People are capable of caring for more than one person. <br />
<br />
Find someone else to care for while you maintain your relationship with him. Then slowly wean yourself from him if you want to move in another direction.

This is such a great response , as it is the most practical and do-able I have seen to date. This response actually makes you feel that you can do it - as opposed to being just told to cut ties etc...

Dear Guzzimama,<br />
<br />
You are not alone in your situation. I too have been with a married man for the past year and a half. We began our relationship at work. He was my bosses boss. He has now moved on to a different job (which makes it easier for me). I have left my husband and continue to see him. I have tried time and time again to leave but he manages to pull me back in. I believe him even when I know he's not being honest with me, and I don't know why I've put all my eggs in one basket with this man. The relationship is so intense and I simply don't want to give him up. He has been like no other man for me, fills me up in ways I can't describe and I know the deck is stacked against this ever going long term, yet I feel powerless to stop. I guess when I am truly ready to, I will. For now, however, I choose to live in torment.

Dear Guzzimama:<br />
<br />
Please, GET OUT NOW! You've just started, but you still have the power to end it without getting too involved. This is how it always begins. Often, the OW thinks it will only be sex, but what she doesn't realize is that deep down, she is drawn to the unavailable man. Its not that there aren't any good ones out there. You'll meet another guy you like. Realizing this early is crucial. You already know that the realtionship will go nowhere. He'll never leave his wife and you don't want to settle for a man like him anyways. Do yourself a favor and tell him never to contact you again. You'll be saving yourself possible years of heartache.

If you are starting to fall in love, get out, now! He will never leave his wife & you will end up miserable. There are plenty more men out there.

Darlene is right and if he feels the same way he'll come back to you the right way, when he's left his wife.