I Am Drawn to Married Men Like A Bad Habit.

I am finally realizing that I am drawn to married men.  On some level I choose them.  I used to think that it was just bad luck or a curse that I attracted all the married men, but have since realized that the common denominator is me, not all these married men.  Here's my story.  I hope you find courage and inspiration from it.   The first began when I was 19 with a 32 year old, married man with 2 kids.  Here's how it goes; you meet, deny dating the married man and are finally wooed by his charms and affection. You start the affair without intentions of an involved love affair. You figure you'll just have some fun and before you know it, you're caught up. You love the man and no other man compares to this married man. You convince yourself that sharing this perfect man is better than all the available men because none of them will measure up to your married man.   You play this game for a while, and believe me, it IS a game. You are empowered by his dislike of his wife and honesty and affection towards you. You might even admire his "honorable" qualities of not wanting to destroy his family. After this, the waiting game begins. You begin to hope and wait for this man to leave his wife.   This process goes on for as long as you allow it. I, as the other woman had all the power. I don't think that it's impossible that the man will leave his wife, but I do think that it all depends on circumstance and timing. The bottom line is that if he is going to leave his wife, he's going to do it quickly.  My MM was nenver going to leave, but in the beginning I had fantasies of us together.  I thought that there was no other man for me.  After 4 years, that feeling has def worn off.  At first he was taking care of me financially, but in the end it seemed he only came over to get some and the dates were fewer and fewer.  I became his little toy that he could play with and put down at his disposal.  At 19, this wasn't soo bad, but at 23 I decided that I was worth more.  I am a good woman and he didn't deserve my affections.  Towards its end, I grew hateful of him because of the way he had treated me all those years.  However, it was only myself that had allowed the ill treatment.     A MM may fill your head will vague promises that keeps you hoping, but in reality, if his situation was that bad he would have already left. By staying, I enabled his marriage because I filled in where his marriage failed.  Although he complained about his wife and claimed he only stayed for the kids, he completely lived up to his wife's rules of coming home by 9, NEVER spending the night away and not receiving calls after 8.  For a guy to hate his wife soo much it became apparent that he sure obliged her rules while completely ignoring my needs.  It was then that I realized that a MAN WILL ONLY DO WHAT YOU ALLOW HIM GET AWAY WITH.  Although he may have loved me, on some extremely dysfunctional level, our realtionship served as his playtime away from home and as a stroke to his ego.    In the end, I got tired. I realized that I was always going to be the other woman. That doesn't mean that all the feelings suddenly left. I just grew up and grew tired of the situation  after 4 years. I wanted more. I wanted a full time man and I began my search within this world full of men for the perfect one that would be able to be there, ALL of the time. Trust me; there is more than one man for you.   After I got out of that situation which lasted from 19-23, I reconnected with an old flame that I learned had married and had a child since our last connection. The messed up thing is that like the previous man, I REALLY liked him! It makes me wonder if all the good men taken or if I just have some deep rooted issues and am drawn towards unavailable men. On some level they are safe. You know where they are and know that they are the marrying type because they did it before. Rationally, I know both situations are BAD, but I was emotionally drawn to both of them. The new married man started calling me everyday and I started really enjoying our conversations. I asked myself, "What the hell?" "Why is he calling me and why am I talking to him?" All the old feelings I had for him came flying in like they had never left. He invited me to visit him and he flew me 400 miles away from home and we enjoyed a passionate, whirlwind romance. I just arrived home a week ago and he was already talking about sharing the rest of his life with me while I was there with him. Exactly a week after I had left he announced to me that he was going to leave his wife. I'm giving him a month to get his **** together. If he hasn’t left by then, he's never going to and our connection wasn't what I thought it was. I know, on some level I must love drama.    I am a turning point in my life and this last encounter really pushed me to investigate the reasoning behind my attraction to the married man.  I finally learned that it wasn't merely bad luck.  We all attract what we think about and desire on some level.  Here's my conclusions on why women get involved with married men.  Its not love because its always the same old story.  If you are in the beginning stages of an affair with a MM, do yourself a favor and GET OUT!  He's not your soulmate, the love you share is not magical and he will never leave his wife.   REASONS WOMEN LOVE MARRIED MEN:   She is attracted to him because he's already involved with somebody else. In many cases, the Other Woman wouldn't be turned on by the guy if he wasn't. The fact that he's "taken" is proof of his desirability. The fact that another woman's husband wants her is proof of hers. Forbidden relationships are filled with desire, suspense, and excitement. Married men are only available occasionally; the guy's wife may be sick of looking at him, but the Other Woman never knows when he can steal away to be with her. She can't wait to see him and makes the most of their time together. Consciously, the Other Woman may long for him to leave his wife, but subconsciously she's glad he probably won't. She will never have to pick his socks off the floor, listen to him scream at his kids, or use the bathroom after he's knocked off 25 pages of the latest Tom Clancy in it. Deep down, the woman who habitually dates married men (or is attracted to them) has commitment issues. She may curse her bad luck, but she's probably terrified of marriage. She may dread the day-to-day routine. She may fear boredom. She may be afraid that wedlock will spell the end of her independence. She may also believe that all men are incapable of fidelity. To avoid making herself vulnerable, she continually casts herself as the partner-in-crime rather than the potential victim. I'm going to put one foot in front of the other and walk away from married men. These guys are no bargain.
DOLCE84 DOLCE84 21-25, F 48 Responses Sep 5, 2007

Your Response


I am so glad I just read this story. You are right on point. I found myself being drawn to married men. Of course that is not what I am looking for at first. I look for tall decent looking guy with a good personality. Most of them are married. I always avoid them at first. But we will end up being together and my miserable love life would begin again.

I recently started talking to one of my old co-workers. I worked around him for a year before we both moved away from the job. While we were working together, we only occasionally talked.

After I left, another old friend of mine told me that his wife cheated on him and he found out. But he decided to stay married. They do not have kids together but he adopted her oldest kid.

See, here is how my life start falling apart. I believed he deserves to be with someone better... well, me. So, I tested the water by just shooting him an innocent instant message.

And then everything went downhill. Although we cannot see each other in person because we are about 1000 miles apart, we text and talk on the phone and skype almost everyday. We are making plans to fly to see each other or he will move down with me. But he never mentioned about leaving her or maybe start a future with me. I would confront him but he would keep telling me that he is confused.

These are all the tail tail signs to let me know I have to get out of this situation. And I ask myself everyday that why I am still paying attention to him. And why It's only been few weeks and I am already emotionally attached.

I make myself believe that he is a victim and I am here to rescue him. Stupid me.

This is not my first MM relationship and they all have the same pattern. I desperately want to change this behavior of mine, but I just don't know how. I wish there is a manual for that. When am I going to learn?

Your story is intelligent and well-written. I've never dated a married man and always planned to avoid it. Your story consolidated this. Hope you find the man that makes you happy 100% of the time.

I've never had any experience like this, but I found your story to be well written and inspiring. I hope this can help women who find themselves trapped in the same "game."

I was totally in love with a taken woman on and off for 13 years. I absolutely adored her. I still crave her body, her smell-everything about her and it has been 13 years since I have even seen her. Not to be too forward but I still fantasize about her. Her face, her body, her voice.....and that luscious tight vagina. Get the picture?

But the truth is that little ***** was a ****** up piece of trailer trash. She didn't have to be, that is the road she took. I destroyed a lot of good chances with much better educated women who were plenty attractive and far better options because when that little ***** was good there was nothing better.

Anyone who has read my stuff knows that I dont write **** often so this is a true confession. That girl had plenty of opportunities to come to me and offered to do it plenty of times. She screwed with her real mans head (lucky he didnt kill me) and after about 6 of the 13 years he was out and i realized he was just a dumb pallook and not a bad guy at all. Then she took up with a real abusive scum and I bailed her out again because those pheromones were unfucking unresistable.

In the end she gave venereal warts and told me I was a sadist. Honest to God I never purposely hurt that girl and never wanted anything other than to be with her and keep my **** wet all the time. If that makes me sadistic then that was exactly what I was.

That was 13 years ago and I am now married 2 years to a 23 year old woman I have known since she was 17. (I didnt find out she was 17 until her 18th bday and we didnt get nasty till she was 19) She is scorchin!! Hot as hell and tunes me up whenever I want. In between i did polygamy for about 5 years but gave it up because it cost too much. (Word of advice: if ur gonna do polygamy find girls with jobs). But through it all and even today i still think of that diseased little tramp. Take my advise, NEVER go with someone who is in a monogomous relationship.

ALWAYS be totally truthful even if u want to have 6 gf/bf put that on the line from moment one. Your life will be so much more fulfilling whether u are the man like me or the 23 year old 105lb brunette laying on a towel having sex on the floor of ur married boss' s office.

Well, I think you have a lot of points right.
But, as a much older (76), married guy, I could never replace Mr. Right if he is much younger and is there, somewhere.
I am in a sexless marriage but, for many reasons, I love my wife and would never leave her.
I am, however, seeking a local gf and lover, who feels that we could be good for each other.
Maybe, she could be a married woman who is in a similar situation, or a single who, for a whole range of reasons does not want to be married, yet.
I make all this clear. But I have had many young women who either haven't read my profile, or who ignore the bit about my wife.
I certainly have no wish to hurt another woman, nor do I wish to hurt my wife.
I find the lack of sex excruciating, but I would love to have a lover who is also a genuine gf.
Am I asking too much ? Or am I just behaving like a male who is ignorant of the psychology of the female ?
I should value your response.
Peter xx

They are out there Peter. I got lucky, and I am no pin up (61)

Hi Robert,
Thanks for that encouragement :-)
Yes, I know that they are out there, and that is why I persevere. Over several years I have 4 super young girls wanted to be my gf/lover, but distance always defeated us.
We built up total trust, and one was a quite well-known sports girl.
I'm really glad you got lucky, and thanks for making contact.

Distance is a challenge. I can relate to your comment. Never say never, hey? Women still appreciate a real gentleman. Hang in there!

Go deeper. There's a reason he's attracted to you, too. You both are probably afraid of real intimacy. If this is a pattern, check it out with a therapist. The sooner you figure out your triggers for behaving this way, the sooner you can get healthy and have a real life; not one wasting away in fantasy land. I used to do this, too, so this isn't me judging you. I just think there's more. I also learned how to empathize with the wife. I asked myself "What kind of character flaw to I have that makes me think this OK? Would I do this to a girlfriend?"

Wasted 5 yrs on my married man. I wish that someone had told me the things you said before I fell in love.

Thanks. have undergone the same experience but with married women.

4 years wasted - but I too have ended it most recently and feel empowered. It will be challenging to move on but I know that I'm worth it and I deserve better

Thanks. Everything you said, I've been through. I wasted 2.5 years with the guy. I just broke up with him and it's breaking my heart. I'm so scared I'll go back.

I was looking online to find out why i was insane due to yet again another married man entering my life and was so glade to find someone who is in the same boat as me. I now have been with 5 married men and one was for a long time with no intention of leaving his wife. My psychologist said i was physical addicted to him so i moved to another country to clear my head and get him out of my system. its not working. The issue is that in my new country a sixth mm has come into my life and i refuse to keep going down that same path. I think i like being chased as i only go after mm who pursue me first :( When i read some of your reasons why we want MM it fell into place. I don't think i will get over my fondness for them but i hope i can stop myself before things start now. thank you

I m so glad for u ! You deserve someone that will give back too!

Great story, thoughtfully written

yup, that's me. but i still got caught by more than one man. good luck with the ongoing struggle.

Very well written and your introspect is on point. I am a married man and before I became married I only dated married woman. I found them to be attractive, and safe, as you say because I could have them without comittment. But I couldn't have them whenever I wanted them. That lead me to wanting a woman of my own.

I befriend married couples and I learned to admire what they had it they were committed to eachother, which I believe most married couples desire.

You deserve a man of your own. Don't be affrais of love. It is a wonderful thing. If you need variety, share that need with your man. There are plenty of married men who are willing to allow their wives to co out and play as long as they know that she will always come back home to him. You just have to find the right man for you but before you can do that, you must first discover who you are and what you want.

This is extremely well written. Spot on clinically too I'd bet.

Pretty decent overview of this issue. Looks like it's been a while since u posted. How did it work out?

Pretty decent overview of this issue. Looks like it's been a while since u posted. How did it work out?

I found this writing interesting from a women perspective. I guess I am too honest for my own good. I cannot bullshit a women to bed.<br />
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I have been cheated on. And I want to get even on some level. I have stayed. I have tried to make things as good as they can be but I cannot ...what's the word.. is it forgive? or forget?<br />
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I can't seem to do either but I try. <br />
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I am like you in the sense that I know that getting even is not going to make things right but it will give my mind something else to think about other than the fact that some stranger F___ my wife 30 or more times.

I agree that having a long term affair with one married man is pretty foolish. He loves his wife and he is just using you for sex. And you are right that his wife should kiss you because you enabled the marriage to stay together. Every time you sent him home to his wife, his sexual needs met, able to focus on his marriage, you did his wife a great service.<br />
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But on the other hand, having sex with dozens of married men, makes you the best friend all of those marriages can have and allows you to enjoy such passionate sex without any entanglements at all. So rather than walk away from married men, I would counsel to just eliminate the exclusiveness and enjoy lots of them.

hey girl! so your post really helped me. i am in love with a married man, but i'm not the kind of girl to get physical... he knows that if he wants me, he has to leave her then marry me to get anything physical because i want to wait until marriage. i was in a really bad relationship before with a guy my age and he treated me like dirt, it was horrible and ripped my heart out. this new guy is older, married with kids. he does have mutual feelings for me too, but he is very respectful of his family and won't leave. part of me is honestly fine with it, but its when i'm around him at work that it gets tough. i'm a psychology major and i've learned that girls are attracted to older, married men when they didn't have a healthy father figure in their life! it's so true for me, my father was emotionally unavailable and verbally abusive, so in a way we like older men because we want their approval... we're really seeking our father's approval but we will never get it so we seek others who remind us of them. quite interesting, you should look into that and see if it applies to you also. but yeah, i know nothing will happen because he is amazing at setting boundaries which is incredible knowing his strong feelings for me. i don't think i could ruin his marriage and family though... if he ever left, i would feel like he would resent me for it.

I really have to comment, I'm really glad I read this. I'm dealing with an 'attached' man, I really am trying to find my way out. I'm having some trouble, but I won't give up. Thanks again for posting this.

First of all there is a reason behind your wife actions, she may be ill or depressed, you should care enough to try and find out whats wrong with her. However I commend you for not walking out, real men stick and stay!

Very well written, completely hit the nail on the head there.

I feels the same like you do, girl. I am out of energy, thought I don't want to leave him. I just want to not think anymore at her and not feel myself as the other women. There has to be a mental couching about this. Please share,

I feels the same like you do, girl. I am out of energy, thought I don't want to leave him. I just want to not think anymore at her and not feel myself as the other women. There has to be a mental couching about this. Please share,

I actually agree with you. If you are single and available, getting involved with a married partner is not a good idea. It's too much of a roller coaster. <br />
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If you want to get involved with a married man (or woman), then know this: he will never leave her for you. You and he are just play partners. If that's OK, then fine. But if you want more, then that's not fine.

You could find one with a wife that shares until you can transition to a fully commited relationship? But I bet that lacks something you want.

Good job. I think you nailed it all right there.

One question how is it admirable that a man wants to stick out a relationship for his children, but will still cheat on their mother? Its only admirable if he sticks out the relationship WITHOUT cheating.