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I Am Drawn to Married Men Like A Bad Habit.

I am finally realizing that I am drawn to married men.  On some level I choose them.  I used to think that it was just bad luck or a curse that I attracted all the married men, but have since realized that the common denominator is me, not all these married men.  Here's my story.  I hope you find courage and inspiration from it.   The first began when I was 19 with a 32 year old, married man with 2 kids.  Here's how it goes; you meet, deny dating the married man and are finally wooed by his charms and affection. You start the affair without intentions of an involved love affair. You figure you'll just have some fun and before you know it, you're caught up. You love the man and no other man compares to this married man. You convince yourself that sharing this perfect man is better than all the available men because none of them will measure up to your married man.   You play this game for a while, and believe me, it IS a game. You are empowered by his dislike of his wife and honesty and affection towards you. You might even admire his "honorable" qualities of not wanting to destroy his family. After this, the waiting game begins. You begin to hope and wait for this man to leave his wife.   This process goes on for as long as you allow it. I, as the other woman had all the power. I don't think that it's impossible that the man will leave his wife, but I do think that it all depends on circumstance and timing. The bottom line is that if he is going to leave his wife, he's going to do it quickly.  My MM was nenver going to leave, but in the beginning I had fantasies of us together.  I thought that there was no other man for me.  After 4 years, that feeling has def worn off.  At first he was taking care of me financially, but in the end it seemed he only came over to get some and the dates were fewer and fewer.  I became his little toy that he could play with and put down at his disposal.  At 19, this wasn't soo bad, but at 23 I decided that I was worth more.  I am a good woman and he didn't deserve my affections.  Towards its end, I grew hateful of him because of the way he had treated me all those years.  However, it was only myself that had allowed the ill treatment.     A MM may fill your head will vague promises that keeps you hoping, but in reality, if his situation was that bad he would have already left. By staying, I enabled his marriage because I filled in where his marriage failed.  Although he complained about his wife and claimed he only stayed for the kids, he completely lived up to his wife's rules of coming home by 9, NEVER spending the night away and not receiving calls after 8.  For a guy to hate his wife soo much it became apparent that he sure obliged her rules while completely ignoring my needs.  It was then that I realized that a MAN WILL ONLY DO WHAT YOU ALLOW HIM GET AWAY WITH.  Although he may have loved me, on some extremely dysfunctional level, our realtionship served as his playtime away from home and as a stroke to his ego.    In the end, I got tired. I realized that I was always going to be the other woman. That doesn't mean that all the feelings suddenly left. I just grew up and grew tired of the situation  after 4 years. I wanted more. I wanted a full time man and I began my search within this world full of men for the perfect one that would be able to be there, ALL of the time. Trust me; there is more than one man for you.   After I got out of that situation which lasted from 19-23, I reconnected with an old flame that I learned had married and had a child since our last connection. The messed up thing is that like the previous man, I REALLY liked him! It makes me wonder if all the good men taken or if I just have some deep rooted issues and am drawn towards unavailable men. On some level they are safe. You know where they are and know that they are the marrying type because they did it before. Rationally, I know both situations are BAD, but I was emotionally drawn to both of them. The new married man started calling me everyday and I started really enjoying our conversations. I asked myself, "What the hell?" "Why is he calling me and why am I talking to him?" All the old feelings I had for him came flying in like they had never left. He invited me to visit him and he flew me 400 miles away from home and we enjoyed a passionate, whirlwind romance. I just arrived home a week ago and he was already talking about sharing the rest of his life with me while I was there with him. Exactly a week after I had left he announced to me that he was going to leave his wife. I'm giving him a month to get his **** together. If he hasn’t left by then, he's never going to and our connection wasn't what I thought it was. I know, on some level I must love drama.    I am a turning point in my life and this last encounter really pushed me to investigate the reasoning behind my attraction to the married man.  I finally learned that it wasn't merely bad luck.  We all attract what we think about and desire on some level.  Here's my conclusions on why women get involved with married men.  Its not love because its always the same old story.  If you are in the beginning stages of an affair with a MM, do yourself a favor and GET OUT!  He's not your soulmate, the love you share is not magical and he will never leave his wife.   REASONS WOMEN LOVE MARRIED MEN:   She is attracted to him because he's already involved with somebody else. In many cases, the Other Woman wouldn't be turned on by the guy if he wasn't. The fact that he's "taken" is proof of his desirability. The fact that another woman's husband wants her is proof of hers. Forbidden relationships are filled with desire, suspense, and excitement. Married men are only available occasionally; the guy's wife may be sick of looking at him, but the Other Woman never knows when he can steal away to be with her. She can't wait to see him and makes the most of their time together. Consciously, the Other Woman may long for him to leave his wife, but subconsciously she's glad he probably won't. She will never have to pick his socks off the floor, listen to him scream at his kids, or use the bathroom after he's knocked off 25 pages of the latest Tom Clancy in it. Deep down, the woman who habitually dates married men (or is attracted to them) has commitment issues. She may curse her bad luck, but she's probably terrified of marriage. She may dread the day-to-day routine. She may fear boredom. She may be afraid that wedlock will spell the end of her independence. She may also believe that all men are incapable of fidelity. To avoid making herself vulnerable, she continually casts herself as the partner-in-crime rather than the potential victim. I'm going to put one foot in front of the other and walk away from married men. These guys are no bargain.
DOLCE84 DOLCE84 21-25, F 65 Responses Sep 5, 2007

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Girl, I don't think you understand yourself as well as you think you do. The truth of the matter is, you do need a steady man in your life. Perhaps a husband that you can cuckold while you step out on once in a while with your married, safe uncommitted.

I wish you could advise me...you have learnt so many things! I had never thoght about comitment issues..I thought it was father issues..but maybe the one is leading to the other..great post.

STOP ******* MARRIED MEN !!!

Very interesting post, enjoyed reading about your experience. I've known people to have long affairs without much hassle as both parties knew it shouldn't lead to anything serious. But as you have pointed out the problem occurs when people for for on another. The allure of the forbidden is such an incredible high, it can be difficult to walk away from.

Very insightful post, DOLCE84.

You are correct that most of these MM are no bargain, and that as the OW, you make it more likely that he will remain married because you are giving him something to do with his time while not addressing real relationship issues with his wife.

While I don't judge every OW, the only problem I have with those who choose this role is when they become hostile toward an existing wife/GF who did not invite you into her life.

So to all the OW out there who've justified your situation, stop trying to degrade a MM's wife since you do not know her and she does not want you intruding into her life with stories about what you do with her spouse.

Well said

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Been there done that. Married folks are safe. It's all about the mutual passion with no responsibility. When your lover has to go home at 8:00, your free to do what ever you like. It' usually indicative that something else is wrong. In my case, I was able to satisfy my needs while carrying on a more or less normal life pattern and not face a forbidden divorce or separation. In her case, at least one of my lovers was "acting out" after an incestuous relationship as a youngster. I'm still not sure what I was reacting to.

You are not alone.

Very well written

Nothing I write is personal against you.
But you and whichever married man/men you were with are the one's in the wrong.
Not considering that if the wife found out how much hurt it would have caused her.
The tears/the mistrust if she gave him a second chance.
And the once real love taken away from her.
Its the one's being cheated on that in time often find out about the cheating.
And anyone having a broken heart is never good.
I know you are one of thousands(women and men) who cheated with a married men/women.
When there is in every country so many single people wanting to be loved and to love back.
As I found out there are no guarantees when it comes to falling in love.
Love can last a week/3 years/28 years and then for some its over.
And there are good reasons why some marriages end.
Like falling out of love.
The reasons for cheating is because there is so much temptation around.
But the sad thing about that is we are all guilty if we fall for that temptation/and I admit I did for one night when in my mid 20's.
Its the excitement too that brings two together.
But in life in one way or another we all make mistakes that we regret when its often too late.
And the cheating will continue for as long as life exists is my opinion.
But the one thing I never do is to judge anyone.
I just state the facts and in your case I do not think you were a bad person.
Like thousands of others including myself.
None of us are perfect and temptation in younger years are much easier to fall for.
But like you realised you learned a lesson and are no longer that woman you used to be.
In the whole wide world there are millions single.
Which I find is sad for those who wanted to be loved and love back.
But there are reasons we can all think of that there is no point dating him/her-as she/he lives in another country.
If everyone took away the excuses-and I include myself in that.
There would be less single people in the world.
I hope in time if you are still single that you will meet your soul mate.
And that together you make your love and feelings last forever.

Stay away from married men. It is wrong and there is no sense of security

Wow! you sound like an incredibly emotionally mature young woman who has been through a lot and seems to be coming out of all this on the right side! By that I mean you are taking a stand for yourself and not lingering in a relationship that will only cause you more pain. Proud of you!
I am living your nightmare now. I am married and have been involved with a married man for the last 6 years. He just ended it this past week. I think I am dying. The pain is unbearable. Although we both understood that we were not going to leave our marriages, so I didn't expect him to leave her for me, I still loved him deeply. He is my best friend. I just don't understand why he would say all of the deeply emotional things he said to me. I was very open to having a sexual relationship, did not pressure or manipulate him into telling me he loved me-I knew the score. But then, after a year or so he started making it very emotional, saying the most beautiful, soulful, loving things to me that no one ever has said to me….I fell deeply in love with him. He says he stays in his marriage for the kids-whatever. I never asked him or will ask him to leave-that has to be his decision. And now it's over. Not sure why….And I am crumbling, I am wrecked.

You have low self-esteem and you're young. If you genuinely are the "Other woman" your self-esteem is reflective of the man you are with. Once you are in that trap it becomes increasingly worse...you leaving for the next "better" man...not ever being satisfied with where your guy is at. Don't think it is all your fault. The business world sets women up for exactly that...it's intrinsic in many environments. On the other side of things any man that lets his wife dictate his hours like his Mama is married to a stupid control-freak. That man's going to cheat and cheat and cheat and cheat and when his kids leave home he's going to leave that woman...whether you are the other woman or not!

DUH? I was in love with the girl of my dreams for 7 years. things didn't work out but that didn't stop me thinkin bout her. the moment I heard she married, well, a girl, she disappeared from my mind. it's not right to pine after someone committed. put yourself in the situation of the woman whose husband you're after. common sense. adultery is a crime is it not? it's morally/ethically despicable. alternately, subliminally, you're enjoying being used. believing all his lies. he may not even be going through all he says and could very well be a pathological liar venting his animal desires through you

A. Adultery is only a crime in some states not all. B. If you've ever seen a man's wife demean and humiliate him loudly and delibrately in public your attitude changes about adultery. C. If you've ever forgiven someone adultery against you...then you KNOW the other person does not always jump excitedly into those situations and in most cases has some cause.

You have really got the answers and to me you are absolutely right ... the attraction to married men largely is its safety....you dont have to go responsible for his life and socks an jocks or chlidren...my own attraction to single ladies was the same reason...she was always gorgeous beautiful tender fun and ohh so wistful adding to my image of the absolute perfect lady but I also wanted my wife to be the mother of our 3 children cos she was always reliable efficient protective and loving and always there supporting me...until one day she decided enough was enough for her and she left me...Huge heartbreak and wake up time for me....

My salvation and understanding began....we split did heaps of therapy and courses...long story short... we got back together and have been delightfully happy ever since...now both in our 70s and both grateful for the experience we both had having lovers...much wiser now and much fulfilled....very happy...no need for other lovers now....

Thank you so much for sharing your story and wisdom....

Would you mind if I asked you a personal question?

Funny. For several years in my 20s I was the single male dating older attractive married women.

That's an interesting take. I always wondered the attraction. The first guy sounded as though he wanted to take care of you. You were a kept woman. I can totally relate to the appeal of that! What I can't relate to is being in second place to another woman. It sounds as though you understand where these habits are hurting you. That's a great start in working toward resolving your problem with attracting married men. Not to mention, how good would you really feel if you'd taken part in tearing up a family? My guess is, even if you'd ended up with either of these men, you'd have spent the relationship wondering who they'd be dating behind your back. I know sometimes people are in bad relationships and it takes them a while to get away, but it seems many married men simply want their wife and another woman. It doesn't say much about the character of these men if they cannot be open and honest. Best of luck to you.

Hello Missneckie,
The older I get, the less judgmental I am, perhaps, because I am only too aware of my own imperfections !! :-0 Don't get me wrong, I do not mean to imply that you are being judgmental !

I am a much older married man, locked into a closed and sexless marriage with a woman, whom I love. She needs me more and more as she becomes more disabled.
I have 2 long distance, and very beautiful, gfs, who both know about each other and wish that they could "service" me. One of them, in particular, longs for me to find a local gf and lover.
This is a hugely complex subject. My desired relationship with a much young women is not just the sex, although that is a fairly essential ingredient. It is the fact of a much younger and attractive woman being interested in old me and, because sex is always on the cards, the complete freedom to talk about anything. No subject being taboo.

I suppose, also, my great age of 77, is a protection to both me and my lover. Maybe she would love the enjoyment of our relationship, knowing that I love her and my wife, that our relationship is not binding, more a sort of deep sexual friendship.

I do think that there is a lot to be said for open marriages.

Do I make any sense at all ?
Peter x

Baby u just wrote a very familiar story with vivid description of it

I am so glad I just read this story. You are right on point. I found myself being drawn to married men. Of course that is not what I am looking for at first. I look for tall decent looking guy with a good personality. Most of them are married. I always avoid them at first. But we will end up being together and my miserable love life would begin again.

I recently started talking to one of my old co-workers. I worked around him for a year before we both moved away from the job. While we were working together, we only occasionally talked.

After I left, another old friend of mine told me that his wife cheated on him and he found out. But he decided to stay married. They do not have kids together but he adopted her oldest kid.

See, here is how my life start falling apart. I believed he deserves to be with someone better... well, me. So, I tested the water by just shooting him an innocent instant message.

And then everything went downhill. Although we cannot see each other in person because we are about 1000 miles apart, we text and talk on the phone and skype almost everyday. We are making plans to fly to see each other or he will move down with me. But he never mentioned about leaving her or maybe start a future with me. I would confront him but he would keep telling me that he is confused.

These are all the tail tail signs to let me know I have to get out of this situation. And I ask myself everyday that why I am still paying attention to him. And why It's only been few weeks and I am already emotionally attached.

I make myself believe that he is a victim and I am here to rescue him. Stupid me.

This is not my first MM relationship and they all have the same pattern. I desperately want to change this behavior of mine, but I just don't know how. I wish there is a manual for that. When am I going to learn?

boboarm -- An answer to your question might be in what you wrote here: "I believed he deserves to be with someone better... well, me. "

Your story is intelligent and well-written. I've never dated a married man and always planned to avoid it. Your story consolidated this. Hope you find the man that makes you happy 100% of the time.

I've never had any experience like this, but I found your story to be well written and inspiring. I hope this can help women who find themselves trapped in the same "game."

I was totally in love with a taken woman on and off for 13 years. I absolutely adored her. I still crave her body, her smell-everything about her and it has been 13 years since I have even seen her. Not to be too forward but I still fantasize about her. Her face, her body, her voice.....and that luscious tight vagina. Get the picture?

But the truth is that little ***** was a ****** up piece of trailer trash. She didn't have to be, that is the road she took. I destroyed a lot of good chances with much better educated women who were plenty attractive and far better options because when that little ***** was good there was nothing better.

Anyone who has read my stuff knows that I dont write **** often so this is a true confession. That girl had plenty of opportunities to come to me and offered to do it plenty of times. She screwed with her real mans head (lucky he didnt kill me) and after about 6 of the 13 years he was out and i realized he was just a dumb pallook and not a bad guy at all. Then she took up with a real abusive scum and I bailed her out again because those pheromones were unfucking unresistable.

In the end she gave venereal warts and told me I was a sadist. Honest to God I never purposely hurt that girl and never wanted anything other than to be with her and keep my **** wet all the time. If that makes me sadistic then that was exactly what I was.

That was 13 years ago and I am now married 2 years to a 23 year old woman I have known since she was 17. (I didnt find out she was 17 until her 18th bday and we didnt get nasty till she was 19) She is scorchin!! Hot as hell and tunes me up whenever I want. In between i did polygamy for about 5 years but gave it up because it cost too much. (Word of advice: if ur gonna do polygamy find girls with jobs). But through it all and even today i still think of that diseased little tramp. Take my advise, NEVER go with someone who is in a monogomous relationship.

ALWAYS be totally truthful even if u want to have 6 gf/bf put that on the line from moment one. Your life will be so much more fulfilling whether u are the man like me or the 23 year old 105lb brunette laying on a towel having sex on the floor of ur married boss' s office.

Well, I think you have a lot of points right.
But, as a much older (76), married guy, I could never replace Mr. Right if he is much younger and is there, somewhere.
I am in a sexless marriage but, for many reasons, I love my wife and would never leave her.
I am, however, seeking a local gf and lover, who feels that we could be good for each other.
Maybe, she could be a married woman who is in a similar situation, or a single who, for a whole range of reasons does not want to be married, yet.
I make all this clear. But I have had many young women who either haven't read my profile, or who ignore the bit about my wife.
I certainly have no wish to hurt another woman, nor do I wish to hurt my wife.
I find the lack of sex excruciating, but I would love to have a lover who is also a genuine gf.
Am I asking too much ? Or am I just behaving like a male who is ignorant of the psychology of the female ?
I should value your response.
Peter xx

They are out there Peter. I got lucky, and I am no pin up (61)

Hi Robert,
Thanks for that encouragement :-)
Yes, I know that they are out there, and that is why I persevere. Over several years I have 4 super young girls wanted to be my gf/lover, but distance always defeated us.
We built up total trust, and one was a quite well-known sports girl.
I'm really glad you got lucky, and thanks for making contact.
Peter

Distance is a challenge. I can relate to your comment. Never say never, hey? Women still appreciate a real gentleman. Hang in there!

Go deeper. There's a reason he's attracted to you, too. You both are probably afraid of real intimacy. If this is a pattern, check it out with a therapist. The sooner you figure out your triggers for behaving this way, the sooner you can get healthy and have a real life; not one wasting away in fantasy land. I used to do this, too, so this isn't me judging you. I just think there's more. I also learned how to empathize with the wife. I asked myself "What kind of character flaw to I have that makes me think this OK? Would I do this to a girlfriend?"

Wasted 5 yrs on my married man. I wish that someone had told me the things you said before I fell in love.

Thanks. have undergone the same experience but with married women.

4 years wasted - but I too have ended it most recently and feel empowered. It will be challenging to move on but I know that I'm worth it and I deserve better

Thanks. Everything you said, I've been through. I wasted 2.5 years with the guy. I just broke up with him and it's breaking my heart. I'm so scared I'll go back.

I was looking online to find out why i was insane due to yet again another married man entering my life and was so glade to find someone who is in the same boat as me. I now have been with 5 married men and one was for a long time with no intention of leaving his wife. My psychologist said i was physical addicted to him so i moved to another country to clear my head and get him out of my system. its not working. The issue is that in my new country a sixth mm has come into my life and i refuse to keep going down that same path. I think i like being chased as i only go after mm who pursue me first :( When i read some of your reasons why we want MM it fell into place. I don't think i will get over my fondness for them but i hope i can stop myself before things start now. thank you