I Am Drawn to Married Men Like A Bad Habit.

I am finally realizing that I am drawn to married men.  On some level I choose them.  I used to think that it was just bad luck or a curse that I attracted all the married men, but have since realized that the common denominator is me, not all these married men.  Here's my story.  I hope you find courage and inspiration from it.   The first began when I was 19 with a 32 year old, married man with 2 kids.  Here's how it goes; you meet, deny dating the married man and are finally wooed by his charms and affection. You start the affair without intentions of an involved love affair. You figure you'll just have some fun and before you know it, you're caught up. You love the man and no other man compares to this married man. You convince yourself that sharing this perfect man is better than all the available men because none of them will measure up to your married man.   You play this game for a while, and believe me, it IS a game. You are empowered by his dislike of his wife and honesty and affection towards you. You might even admire his "honorable" qualities of not wanting to destroy his family. After this, the waiting game begins. You begin to hope and wait for this man to leave his wife.   This process goes on for as long as you allow it. I, as the other woman had all the power. I don't think that it's impossible that the man will leave his wife, but I do think that it all depends on circumstance and timing. The bottom line is that if he is going to leave his wife, he's going to do it quickly.  My MM was nenver going to leave, but in the beginning I had fantasies of us together.  I thought that there was no other man for me.  After 4 years, that feeling has def worn off.  At first he was taking care of me financially, but in the end it seemed he only came over to get some and the dates were fewer and fewer.  I became his little toy that he could play with and put down at his disposal.  At 19, this wasn't soo bad, but at 23 I decided that I was worth more.  I am a good woman and he didn't deserve my affections.  Towards its end, I grew hateful of him because of the way he had treated me all those years.  However, it was only myself that had allowed the ill treatment.     A MM may fill your head will vague promises that keeps you hoping, but in reality, if his situation was that bad he would have already left. By staying, I enabled his marriage because I filled in where his marriage failed.  Although he complained about his wife and claimed he only stayed for the kids, he completely lived up to his wife's rules of coming home by 9, NEVER spending the night away and not receiving calls after 8.  For a guy to hate his wife soo much it became apparent that he sure obliged her rules while completely ignoring my needs.  It was then that I realized that a MAN WILL ONLY DO WHAT YOU ALLOW HIM GET AWAY WITH.  Although he may have loved me, on some extremely dysfunctional level, our realtionship served as his playtime away from home and as a stroke to his ego.    In the end, I got tired. I realized that I was always going to be the other woman. That doesn't mean that all the feelings suddenly left. I just grew up and grew tired of the situation  after 4 years. I wanted more. I wanted a full time man and I began my search within this world full of men for the perfect one that would be able to be there, ALL of the time. Trust me; there is more than one man for you.   After I got out of that situation which lasted from 19-23, I reconnected with an old flame that I learned had married and had a child since our last connection. The messed up thing is that like the previous man, I REALLY liked him! It makes me wonder if all the good men taken or if I just have some deep rooted issues and am drawn towards unavailable men. On some level they are safe. You know where they are and know that they are the marrying type because they did it before. Rationally, I know both situations are BAD, but I was emotionally drawn to both of them. The new married man started calling me everyday and I started really enjoying our conversations. I asked myself, "What the hell?" "Why is he calling me and why am I talking to him?" All the old feelings I had for him came flying in like they had never left. He invited me to visit him and he flew me 400 miles away from home and we enjoyed a passionate, whirlwind romance. I just arrived home a week ago and he was already talking about sharing the rest of his life with me while I was there with him. Exactly a week after I had left he announced to me that he was going to leave his wife. I'm giving him a month to get his **** together. If he hasn’t left by then, he's never going to and our connection wasn't what I thought it was. I know, on some level I must love drama.    I am a turning point in my life and this last encounter really pushed me to investigate the reasoning behind my attraction to the married man.  I finally learned that it wasn't merely bad luck.  We all attract what we think about and desire on some level.  Here's my conclusions on why women get involved with married men.  Its not love because its always the same old story.  If you are in the beginning stages of an affair with a MM, do yourself a favor and GET OUT!  He's not your soulmate, the love you share is not magical and he will never leave his wife.   REASONS WOMEN LOVE MARRIED MEN:   She is attracted to him because he's already involved with somebody else. In many cases, the Other Woman wouldn't be turned on by the guy if he wasn't. The fact that he's "taken" is proof of his desirability. The fact that another woman's husband wants her is proof of hers. Forbidden relationships are filled with desire, suspense, and excitement. Married men are only available occasionally; the guy's wife may be sick of looking at him, but the Other Woman never knows when he can steal away to be with her. She can't wait to see him and makes the most of their time together. Consciously, the Other Woman may long for him to leave his wife, but subconsciously she's glad he probably won't. She will never have to pick his socks off the floor, listen to him scream at his kids, or use the bathroom after he's knocked off 25 pages of the latest Tom Clancy in it. Deep down, the woman who habitually dates married men (or is attracted to them) has commitment issues. She may curse her bad luck, but she's probably terrified of marriage. She may dread the day-to-day routine. She may fear boredom. She may be afraid that wedlock will spell the end of her independence. She may also believe that all men are incapable of fidelity. To avoid making herself vulnerable, she continually casts herself as the partner-in-crime rather than the potential victim. I'm going to put one foot in front of the other and walk away from married men. These guys are no bargain.
DOLCE84 DOLCE84
22-25, F
57 Responses Sep 5, 2007

This is extremely well written. Spot on clinically too I'd bet.

I found this writing interesting from a women perspective. I guess I am too honest for my own good. I cannot bullshit a women to bed.<br />
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I have been cheated on. And I want to get even on some level. I have stayed. I have tried to make things as good as they can be but I cannot ...what's the word.. is it forgive? or forget?<br />
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I can't seem to do either but I try. <br />
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I am like you in the sense that I know that getting even is not going to make things right but it will give my mind something else to think about other than the fact that some stranger F___ my wife 30 or more times.

I am in the same boat as you, I think the reason you can't as you know deep inside it is wrong to hurt someone like that. I think like me just have to get the guts to leave the cheating, lying, hurtful person. I am realizing that I am not the problem here. I deserve better a chance to find someone who feels like I do. Anyway just my thoughts...like I said in the same boat.

hey girl! so your post really helped me. i am in love with a married man, but i'm not the kind of girl to get physical... he knows that if he wants me, he has to leave her then marry me to get anything physical because i want to wait until marriage. i was in a really bad relationship before with a guy my age and he treated me like dirt, it was horrible and ripped my heart out. this new guy is older, married with kids. he does have mutual feelings for me too, but he is very respectful of his family and won't leave. part of me is honestly fine with it, but its when i'm around him at work that it gets tough. i'm a psychology major and i've learned that girls are attracted to older, married men when they didn't have a healthy father figure in their life! it's so true for me, my father was emotionally unavailable and verbally abusive, so in a way we like older men because we want their approval... we're really seeking our father's approval but we will never get it so we seek others who remind us of them. quite interesting, you should look into that and see if it applies to you also. but yeah, i know nothing will happen because he is amazing at setting boundaries which is incredible knowing his strong feelings for me. i don't think i could ruin his marriage and family though... if he ever left, i would feel like he would resent me for it.

Or cheat on you too.

I really have to comment, I'm really glad I read this. I'm dealing with an 'attached' man, I really am trying to find my way out. I'm having some trouble, but I won't give up. Thanks again for posting this.

First of all there is a reason behind your wife actions, she may be ill or depressed, you should care enough to try and find out whats wrong with her. However I commend you for not walking out, real men stick and stay!

Very well written, completely hit the nail on the head there.

I feels the same like you do, girl. I am out of energy, thought I don't want to leave him. I just want to not think anymore at her and not feel myself as the other women. There has to be a mental couching about this. Please share,

I feels the same like you do, girl. I am out of energy, thought I don't want to leave him. I just want to not think anymore at her and not feel myself as the other women. There has to be a mental couching about this. Please share,

You could find one with a wife that shares until you can transition to a fully commited relationship? But I bet that lacks something you want.

Good job. I think you nailed it all right there.

One question how is it admirable that a man wants to stick out a relationship for his children, but will still cheat on their mother? Its only admirable if he sticks out the relationship WITHOUT cheating.

I read your story and I absolutely loved it, and I thought finally, the answer to my question. But I started thinking about one thing, you mentioned, the other woman would not be turned on to him if he wasnt married. Well my married man, I never new he was married, yet I found him extremely attractive, he never wore his wedding ring and only talked about his children, it wasnt until I musterd up the courage to ask him out on a date that he told me he couldnt cause he was married. And a year later he confessed to me that he was leaving his wife and he wanted something more with me. Well four years later, we are still together, we have a baby....he lives with me....but....he is still married and caters to all of her needs still, financially and emotionally...when I say emotionally I mean, when ever she is sad, or whenever she has a bad day or whenever she wants to vent about an unsuccessful relationship or encounter with another man he runs to her aid. I dont know what to do, I mean it annoys me...but I understand....but at the same time, it makes me angry that I am second to her...he tells me, that i have is heart, so I shouldnt feel that way...but I ask him how come he is still married to her, his response is, I dont wanna hurt her anymore than I already have. So I gave him an ultimatim, he was to get a divorce or I was gone. He here recently supposidly did, but he told me that she hasnt turned in her portion of the paper work in order to finalize it, and when I ask him why not, his response is because he does'nt want to upset her. SO since I am tired of the bull crap....I just want to give up... what do you think?

You got what you wanted as in "four years later, we are still together, we have a baby....he lives with me." -- but he is still married and caters to all of his ex's needs still, financially and emotionally. Why are you still not happy with him?

Loved your story Dulce! But don't be too hard on yourself, girl. I am 31, about to be 32. I was friends with my MM. We haven't done anything because he's so loyal. And well me, I am complicated. I just want an all or nothing deal. Call me whatever, but I want it all in life. I know MM don't leave because they claim the money, the kids, etc, but real love doesn't let anything happen to go in between that. My MM has been distant and jerky, not being open and honest with me and he will lose me in the end if he keeps at this rate. My revenge is to become rich and successful so when he sees me, all he can do is drool and feel stupid. He is smart too, that is the problem, we met in law school and he is more intellectually engaging than me. But I know once I get past the books and the tests, my personality will trump his successes. He can keep his ugly troll and be semi-poor, but I will stick to my guns and be strong. If he comes back and pretends to be my friend, I will keep it distant and make him prove how he feels to me. Men need to be broken down, they act so cool and smart around women. He is smart, but I gotta outsmart him and show him I am not even comparable to that troll. I just want to laugh in the end and show I don't need his validation. I guess if it's meant to be, it will be. If not, then a person is satisfied with their status quo. Men won't reject women that are aggressive like me, but it takes a smart woman like me to show smart men like him, that I deserve to be treated very well and not like right now. I will be fine ignoring him and need to be OK with it for a very long time until he admits his feelings.....oh men....why are they strong in the most wrongest ways! Being strong does not get anywhere, because false pride is just that, false. It takes a real man to admit his feelings.

"Deep down, the woman who habitually dates married men (or is attracted to them) has commitment issues. She may curse her bad luck, but she's probably terrified of marriage. She may dread the day-to-day routine. She may fear boredom. She may be afraid that wedlock will spell the end of her independence. She may also believe that all men are incapable of fidelity. To avoid making herself vulnerable, she continually casts herself as the partner-in-crime rather than the potential victim. I'm going to put one foot in front of the other and walk away from married men. These guys are no bargain." <br />
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BINGO. Well, for me at least. Good post Dulce84.

nice story... i am married man, lets see who falls

I am a married man and want to reply to those who say that married man looks for another sexual partener and has no morals when involves into affair. May be true for some individuals but not for all atleast not for me. I want to continue with my wife all my relations but the way she has been dealing with me is pushing me to find some other freind or partener to spend my rest of the life. Well you can not pressurise your wife to do what you want but atleast she should have respected your wishes to some extent that would keep your hopes alive with her. My wife simply refuses to follow my wishes either intentionally or unintentionally but every time she does so it hurts me.

The problem is not some magnetic force within you.. It is because, unlike some people, once you find out someones married, that is not where it stops. That is where it should stop, but you let it continue. Men who don't have morals, will have an affair, they all get bored with the same sexual partner, men like new, and like variety, like what they can't have.. Some like being sneaky, makes it exciting. . . So if you ever get married, don't marry someone that leaves his wife, or has no morals, because you will end up on the other side.. Being a hurt wife after finding out your loving, sweet, man of your dreams, has been having an affair for 4 years. Don't be fooled and think your some hero saving his marriage.. Your really just someone with very low standards in who you date and probably low self esteem or you would know you deserve a full time man not to be someones dirty secret. Have you ever heard , what goes around comes around? That is in the bible, I believe it, It has happened to me. . . You reap what you sow, so be careful what you sow!

Great story, thanks for sharing. I feel the same way!

STOP DOING IT! Before you hurt yourself and ruins many lives (your life, his life, the life of his wife and the children). I belive having an affair with a married man is pone of a kind expereince, excitement and suspense, but until when it will happen? He don't deserve the love and care that you are giving to him. He is a cheater and a life destroyer. He cheat his wife as well as he cheat you. He is a life destroyer, desroying your future, the future of his wife and most of all the future of his childre. Don't be a victim of this person, but be a victor to overcome and leave him. YOU are a very special person and DESERVE to love and cared for by the man that YOU are ONLY women in his life.

because your all dirty filthy ******!

It's not that good men are taken, it is that they don't want them until they are taken. The intelligent women who get them are just that, intelligent.<br />
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I have a feeling your desire for married men has less to do with everything you said, and more about fulfilling some daddy gap. Get over it, any man who would be willing to cheat on his wife, would ultimately end up cheating on you too even if he left his wife. This isn't rocket science.

cheeter cheeter get your own man, you should know better than that!!!!!

One woman told me all the good men are married!

Damn! You sure you don't want to try just one more time?

Wow, did you hit bull's-eye!! You wrote my life, my emotions, my deeds and needs of 6 years ago!

Yes, thanks for sharing. I've been thinking of entering a relationship with a MM but I don't want to be eimotionally involved. Your story may give me second thoughts. Thank you.

Thanks for sharing your story...so many similarities to what I am feeling. And even though I agree with most of what you said about why women are attracted to married men, and that we should run the other way - I know I'm not leaving him anytime soon.