Dating A Married Man

So here's my story....I am a married woman dating a married man.  We met online over four months ago.  He is unhappy in his marriage because his sexual relationship with his wife is boring and because he feels they are not compatible.  He has not been happy in his marriage for two years, he has been married for seven years.  My reason for dating outside of my marriage is somewhat similar.  The physical aspect of my marriage is not good and because I am not in love with my husband.  I love him though, but I am not IN love with him.  I feel as if there is something missing and for so long I have longed to be in love.  I tried for years to fix this, but you can't make yourself fall in love with someone.  However, my husband is my best friend and we get along great, but the spark has burnt out.  I am not sure if leaving him would be a good idea or not since he treats me well and we do get along very well.  I struggled with that for some time.  He does have a problem with anger though.  He is not physically abusive, but he has in the past been verbally abusive and does have a hard time managing his anger.  I think that was what made me question things, but I sitll was not sure if leaving him was the best thing for me.  So that is what lead me to HIM.  We talked via e-mail and text for a good month before meeting in person.  Our personalities are very similar and we were looking for the same traits in a partner.  He does not have children, not do I.  He is over eleven years older than me, but he looks great for his age.  He probably looks about five years older than me.  When we met I felt the little butterflies that I had not felt in sooo long.  We just clicked.  We would meet up from time to time and just talk in my car.  One particular day we met at the beach.  This was the first time we held hands and shared our first kiss.  It really was perfect.  I felt things with him that I never felt with my husband.  This brough on a lot of guilt.  We started meeting up about every day for an hour or so.  We would talk, make-out, and just enjoy each others company.  Weekends we just sent e-mails whenever we could.  I use to really love weekends, but not so much nowadays since I have no to little contact with him.  Weekdays we leave voice messages on each others phone while driving into work, every morning.  He has a long commute to work, so we  talk on the phone as he drives home five days a week.  We didn't become intimate until, as he worded it, 'made sure of our feelings.'  He did not push me into anything and was a complete gentleman.  We have only been together sexually a few times, so this relationship is very emotional.  It really isn't your typical affair.  For the past month or so we haven't been meeting up as much.  It has only been once or twice a week.  When we were in the first stages of our relationship we talked about leaving our lives to be together.  We both needed to save money and plan things out.  He and his wife share a house payment and my husband and I share money, car payments, etc...and I don't make that much money.  My husband makes all of the money.  So I really need to save up a LOT of money.  Last week my bf told me how he has been feeling stressed out lately about his situation.  I didn't pry, but he made it sound as if he had a lot to plan and it was stressing him out.  I get paranoid and always think the worse.  His e-mails don't seem to be as romantic and I just get the feeling he is really questioning his decision.  So I asked him if he was still falling for me, as he once told me he was doing.  He seemed suprised that I asked him that and told me that if he was losing interest he would pull away and that I would notice, but assured me he was not feeling that way.  I tell ya, this sort of thing is very stressful.  Little does he know, I have fallen in love!  He might actually know this, I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I tell him how I feel, but without saying the actual words.  So that is my story, I found love, but I can only hope love found me as well. 

3/1/2010  All of the comments I have received have been beyond inspiring and made me think about my situation.  I do appreciate everyones comments.  It felt great to get my story out there since NO ONE in my world knows about this little 'situation' of mine.  People would be shocked if they knew my secret.  It really is out of character for me.  Right now, I am setting aside money so that I can start a new life and when I have enough saved I will only HOPE that I will be strong enough to take a leap of faith.  I will lose the closest person to me, so I will make sure before I make such a devestating decision.  I came to the conclusion that when you can't even kiss your own husband anymore there is something wrong.  It really does suck!  Always Always listen to your gut.  If I did this I would not be where I am today. 

Abby111 Abby111
26-30, F
6 Responses Feb 28, 2010

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There is nothing wrong with falling in love. There is something wrong with making someone else think you love them. If You are not "compatible" with your husband, and you are not 'in' love with him, you should tell him so and request a divorce. By keeping up the falsehood, you are denying your "best friend' his right to a truly loving partner, which he might find if you let him go. But I must warn you...there is no such thing as a marriage that maintains the "spark" at all times. The feeling of a new relationship, when you're still getting the know the other person, is intoxicating. It is that feeling that leads so many people to give up on relationships a few years in. They're like alcoholics who decide that rum is too boring, so they'll switch to vodka. Be sure...very sure...that you're not just going to do this again.

If you are not happy GET OUT NOW. Your heart will feel lighter. You have to do it for you. You want things in life that your husband is not giving you. I am in a similar situation, except I have one child before my marriage and one with my husband. Kids make things difficult. In my situation it is harder because I have fallen for a woman. But I have already started the ball rolling to divorce my husband so he can have the life he deserves, He is a great man.. just not my man. The day I told him it was over I thought I would cry... but I didnt because my soul knew it was the right decision.<br />
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Good luck to you.

Deal with your own marriage. Beginning a pretend relationship with someone who is entwined with a spouse is not a solution to your situation. You probably wouldn't get along so swimmingly if you had to make life decisions and pay bills together. "I'm not in love with him anymore" is another way of saying that my life is boring and in a rut and this doesn't match my fantasy of who I would be. You may feel and excitement because you're doing something that you know is wrong. Sleeping with or seeking the attention of another woman's husband. What would you feel if your husband stepped out on you because it much more interesting to sleep with other people. Do what works for you in the end but recognize that you are not a victim here, you are potentially an agent of great pain for others involved. Good Luck to all of you.

What you have going with him is good. I think you should keep at the level it has been, at least for a while, and not worry about the long term. That should help to reduce the stress you've both been feeling by relieving the pressure of making more permanent decisions. Good luck and have fun, Abby.

Why not enjoy each others company including the passion and not affecting your married lives. Have your cake and eat it too! My experience once Love gets into the conversation, often one party wants to leave. Keep it physical and you will be happier.