Dating A Married Man That I Work With

I have been seeing a married man for the past year and frankly, I'm disgusted with myself.  I was friends/co-workers with him and then we ended up at a work get together, got pretty liquored up and he ended up driving me home.  We talk every day (at work and after work and on weekends) and he always tells me how in love with me he is from day one of this process and that he wants to be with me.  I've tried to break it off at least 4 or 5 times, each time feeling really great about my decision.  But somehow I always allow him to convince me that I need to be patient, that he has to wait for a couple of things to happen in the next several months, that we've already talked about it and that I keep changing the boundaries...like I gave him a deadline and we aren't there yet.  I'm freaked out that part of me believes him.  What do I get out of it?  A satisfying sex life, and someone who tells me he loves me.  That's about it.  I cannot believe I am staying in this situation.  I love him too, or at least have convinced myself that I do...and I feel stressed out because I have to see him and work closely with him 5 days a week.  I honestly don't know how to let this go...without quitting my job and moving out of town...seems drastic considering that I have a great job and i need it.  I believe that I need to talk this situation through with a counselor because I am at a deadend and have lost the confidence to end it successfully, after allowing myself to be talked back into it so many times.  I would love some advice.  No need to send me judgmental responses because I already know that what I am doing is wrong; i have never done it before and I want to move forward with my life.

mepshade mepshade
41-45, F
11 Responses Mar 6, 2010

I myself am deeply in love with a man I work closely with and have tried several times to break it off.. he looks at me as if he's pouring his heart into mine.. he is the best person I have ever met.. promises we will be together but don't know when. I'm in an abusive marriage myself and I've witnessed his wife treating him the same. he loves her im sure.. but he has a boy in school that he wants to graduate and he's afraid that won't happen if he leaves his wife. I understand how important that is seeing both my boys graduated. he is persistent about not ending ourelationship.. he promises forever and we only have time together at work.. no in between and no on the side time . we have had this relationsip for very close to five years now..please tell me how your relationship turned out..

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I have been there where you are, and the married man i was seeing at work , left his wife for me, he done the same said it was not the right time to tell his wife so i walked away.. and meet some one and that killed him he could not handle it so he left his wife.. at first it was great he got his own place and i went round in the week and every weekend, he then changed and cheated on me, he said he did it because he needed to see if every women was like me, because his 16year marriage was boring and when he meet me he thought wow, poor excuse i said, and said how many women were you going to sleep with before you reliz there is only one of me we are all unique... however i forgave him, and we stayed together but it was hard as he went back to his wife, then came back out and said he wanted me, again i went back to him we stayed together for 10years, i have now left him. i now understand liveing with him, it was him not his wife that was the controlling one.. with a married man it’s always the same.. My wife does not understand me and i am not happy but i can’t leave her yet always something.. To them it’s called the forbidden fruit.. And women like you and me and lots of others fall for it... be strong you are better than that and you will find a nice man who will give you all that. Stop being his dirty secret. walk away be strong and if it was meant to be it will, he will leave his wife and be with you .... seeing you with another man will kill him if he really dose love you he will start the ball rolling at home... its the old saying have your cake and eat it... and we are allowing that to happen.. remember its not just his wife he leaves its his kids if he has any mine did.... his daughter hated me for along time she blamed me... and it was my fault to really, the thing is all your friends or your friends-friends will see you as a home braker.. you think you love him but its just the thrill of it as he is married. got to be careful with lust and love thats a very thin line for me it was lust, naughty, dirty, and no one knowing but me and him. but i went home on my own not him. but no one can tell you, you need to do it on your own and you will make the right decision... you are specail and dont deserve that... dont put you life on hold for him.x

I have been there where you are, and the married man i was seeing at work to left his wife for me, at first it was great he got his own place and i went round in the week and every weekend, he then changed and cheated on me, he said he did it beacuse he needed to see if every women was like me, beacuse his 16year marriage was boreing and when he meet me he thought wow, poor excusse i said, and said how many women were you going o sleep with before you reliz there is only one of me we are all unique... however i forgave him, and we stayed togeather but it was hard as he went back to his wife, then came back out and said he wanted me, again i went back to him we stayed togeather for 10years, i have now left him things are never the same... with a married man its always the same.. my wife dose not understand me and i am not happy but i cant leave her yet always somthing.. to them its called the forbidden fruit.. and women like you and me and lots of others fall for it... be strong you are better then that and you will find a nice man who will give you all that..stop being his dirty secret. even if he leaves her he will never be yours.. if you love him let him go if he comes back he was yours if he dose not then he was never yours.....

I too can sympathize with you and appreciate you writing and admitting this. I have a guy at work that I have fallen for. We have been flirting for a year but until a few weeks ago I never really thought about it happening for real. I have fallen really hard, really fast because we were such good friends to begin with. This weekend was harder than anything I have ever been through. He went out of town with his wife and could not text me and I was home ALONE. Sucks to be in love but yet so alone. We have not even discussed the future of our relationship, only to say we will remail friends BUT SOOO easier said than done. I am a divorced single mom of 2 boys and his children are grown with children of their own. He is so dedicated to his family, which was the first attraction. But how can he be when he is with me too? I trust him with my heart but obviously his wife does too, so what does that mean? I know all the warning I will receive and I am ashamed of my behavior, in a way. I truly beleive you cannot help who you fall in love with and we have one short life so why not GO FOR IT?!!!

I'm in the same situation and have been for 3 years. I called it quits 2 weeks ago and it's been the hardest thing I've ever done. I love him so much and I know he loves me but those obsticales just keep coming up. His adult children and parents make him feel so guilty he just can't do it. Kept saying he'll get it worked out but I think now he has decided it will never happen as he can't disappoint that many people he loves. I work for him which we've had to keep a secret for 2 1/2 years and now I not only have to see him 5 days a week but I have to communicate with him closely for work. I think he's going to take another job in a month after some things are situated with his job which he was already going to do anyway so I'm sticking it out unless I find another job before he does. The past 2 years have been really hard as I've just been waiting....... I go through so many emotional ups and downs it's unbelieveable. We have called it off a few times but only for a couple of days as he always says he's going to work it out. This time I think it's for good. He's my best friend, my boss and the best and worst thing that's ever happened to me if that makes sense. I never ever wanted to be in this situation and can't believe this is where I'm at in my life. I don't have anyone to talk to about it as I feel ashamed for the situation and that it has drug on for so long. I'm thinking about getting counseling too. I hope things have worked out for you. Please update as I see it's been 10 months since this post.

Hello i got counseling but it did not work as the counselor dose not help, because they keep saying you should not of gone wiith a married man you knew he was married, it just makes you feel even more ashamed, they do help you in the way of making love who you are and respect yourself more to not be attracted to married men. easy said then done.. cant help what your heart wants can you. so i sooooo understand where you are, but remember counseling can work for some people. take care and please let me know how you get on if you did go.... x

My heart goes out to you. I am in a dead marriage myself with kids, and it will be hard to leave them or break up the family for fear of what it may do to the kids emotionaly. I think she is ready to bail herself. I can see his point. Your side, I see the need for love and hope. He has given you 2 months to resolve his situation. You know him, can he do it? someone mentioned having his cake and eating it too. Itr is never that simple or easy for the person having the affair. There is cost to him in stress, in time in planning and covering tracts, and hopefully in conscious worries. That is in a on going affair. Wait or leave? I have no idea.

Hey,<br />
<br />
I know youre asking for help, but ultimately I think you will know yourself when you have had enough. Untill then, enjoy it for what it is.<br />
I am in a similar situation, although thankfully I dont work with my man. Just this evening we have had a conversation about whether this will go anywhere or not, I guess the ball is in my court. So what I'm saying is, when the lows outweigh the highs, then perhaps its time to stop. But if he says he loves you, and you get something from that, then stick with it because if he makes you feel half as amazing as my man can make me feel, then that is worth it to you.<br />
Loads of people on here try to judge you, let them. You only have to answer to yourself.<br />
Hope youre happy, whatever you decide :)

Hi my worried friend, my candid advice is for you to quit because the man is never sincere at all. He is taking advantage of you for his personal pleasure. My dear, seek God and ask him to give you ur own, he will surely answer you. Good luck.

Thank you! I appreciate your comments. Yes, his reason for staying concerns one of his grown children. The issue will be over by May or June, and at that time, if nothing changes, I will move forward no matter what.

Hi, <br />
<br />
It's not an ideal situation, but are the things he is waiting for reasonable to you? <br />
<br />
I'm married and not in a relationship although my marriage is dead. I remain solely until my children graduate high school, but if I were in a serious relationship, I would really, really have to consider her (my gf) feelings. If I truly loved her, how could I do anything else? And if I truly loved her I would not want to jeopardize that. Not for money, job, or most anything. <br />
<br />
And I believe it would be up to me than to do everything n my power to dispel any fears or doubts in her mind and heart. So I hope your friend has some really compelling reasons why he needs to wait and if not, then yes perhaps seek counselling and maybe you'll have to get out now while you can and limit the hurt this would cause you if he is less than sincere. <br />
<br />
Best Wishes! Mel