Dating A Widower Who Will Not Get Therapy For Him Or His Child

I have been dating a widower for almost 2 years. I met him on an online website about 6 months after his wife died. She went to another country and committed suicide. We broke up a few times the first few months we were dating (he was sleeping with someone else). He then realized after I wanted nothing to do with him that he wanted to be with me and a month after that he said he was line love with me. I didn't find out until the later part of last year that he has no plans of remarrying or having anyone move in with him. Broke my heart, but I love him so I guess I just blocked that out, hoping he would change his mind. He is still dealing with grief, he's obsessed with his late wife. His son was 4 when she died, but he's been crying for his mom now. His son wants to call me mom, but he got really upset and told him to call me by my name. I spend the night over there, do family things with them, I also have an 8 year old son who is ADHD. He get's on my boyfriends nerves, and now my bf has told me that my son gets on his sons nerves. My son is receiving therapy for his issues, so I mentioned that he (my bf) and his son need grievance therapy to help them deal with what they are going through. It's been almost 3 years. He put his wedding photo of them back up, which upset me, her pictures are all around the house. I think my relationship with him is confusing his son. His mom's photos are everywhere, yet I spend the night and we all do family things. He told me this week that my son might need to play with other kids b/c he's getting on his sons nerves b/c he is sensitive and is missing his mom. I told him they need therapy. But he will not get help for him or his son. I feel like I'm competing with a ghost. I want to get married someday, I miss having a family, but he has already told me he doesn't want that, or at least until his son graduates. i don't want to waste years of my life with him, only for him to eventually say that we will never live together or be married. I love him, but I feel like I need to let go unless he gets some therapy. She has been haunting me in my dreams, I can't sleep. I see things at his house that are out of the ordinary (yes it sounds crazy), but I just don't think this is a healthy relationship for me or my son. I have to tell my son we can't go over there anymore for a while, and he doesn't understand. He loves both of them. I LOVE both of them. I just don't know what to do, and I'm confused. I'm almost 36, I would like to have another child, he doesn't. So there's my story. Just confused and I don't know what to do b/c of my feeling for him. I beginning to resent him b/c of the way he treats my child. He sees HIS child as perfect, but I'm seeing him start to act out. He needs help. Any advice? I already know what I should do, I just love him. :(
miranda1976 miranda1976
31-35, F
2 Responses May 5, 2012

I'm truly sorry for how you're feeling. I dated a widower and found that I couldn't manage the mixed messages he gave me and the feeling that I didn't matter to him the same way he mattered to me. I fell in love with him, but decided I loved myself more.<br />
Will all due respect, this man is telling you he is not ready and will not be able to meet your needs. He doesn't want any more children and he's treating your son badly. This will not change. Your first responsibility is to provide a stable environment for your son and that's not happening. You know what you need to do - WALK AWAY - and know that there will be somebody who will love and care for you (and your child). I know it hurts to leave, but from experience, I can tell you the pain of the breakup is nothing compared to the hell you'll be in for should you decide to stay.

My heart goes out to you, I had 2 adhd sons try to keep your self esteem up and his, you are a good hearted woman and my good heart is feeling taken advantage of. Maybe i amnot the best one to be commenting right now but what about Our feelings??