Dating A Widower And Confused.

I've been dating a widower for 8 months now.  His wife died three years ago.  I knew him and his wife 23 years ago.  A mutual friend brought us to "re-meet"   We were both happy to reconnect.  He got in touch with me often, and we started dating.  About a month into it, I found out about another woman he is dating.... He asked me to be patient while he transitioned.  He said, "she is not 'the one'"  Well, transition became a non decision, which eventually led him to wanting to go back to being on his own... I agreed to take a step back, had no problem in giving him space to work his stuff out.  He had a problem, he was really sad, and couldn't handle it....  When I found out about the "other woman" I stopped sleeping with him.  We kiss, hug, touch and flirt, but we do not get any heavier than that.  Emotionally, I know he is into me.... I know he his physically attracted to me as well.  Thing is, he keeps this other woman hanging around... he says she won't let go, but I find it hard to believe that it takes over 8 months to break up with someone just because that someone doesn't want to let go.  
He is moving on from his wife... there are not many signs of her in their home, and  he has told me that he has cleared most of her things out of his bedroom.  
He started dating for womanly companionship, and recreational dating.  He has told me that he never thought he would have strong feelings for anyone ever again, but he says I've caught him off guard.  That he has very strong and deep feelings for me, and that I am confusing to him.  He is not sure if he is ready, (which is why I believe he keeps the other woman around)...  She is a great blocker for him and his fear of developing a monogamous relationship with me.  
Thing is, I have been "saving myself" for him... and I am beginning to feel rather pathetic.  I told him that I couldn't go on like this, that I need to get back to the woman I've made of myself over the past ten years (I have been single for over 10 years)  Well, his reaction was to say to me, "why is it so hard breaking up for a second time when we never were really together or let it go".... 
Needless to say, he broke through the boundaries I tried to set... emotionally I'm just a sucker for him...

We are a great match I feel, and I think he feels the same....

I just don't know what to do.... continuing "waiting" and "saving myself"  
or just move on.....


nista nista
41-45
2 Responses May 6, 2012

i am a widower. i lost my wife 3 years ago. I have recently decided that i am ready to start dating again. One day, i would like to get married again. I loved my wife more than anything in the world. I will always love her. Death can take her from me, but it cannot take away the love i have for her. She was the love of my life. I loved and cherished her until the day she died and honoured my vows. I occassionally feel guilty about dating again, though my wife told me before she died that she wished for me to find another woman to love as much as i did her and for me to be happy. However, i have been very unhappy and lonely. I miss loving and being loved by a woman. I miss the affection, the closesness and physical intimacy. I miss the companionship. Although i know i could never ever love anyone anywhere near as much as i loved my wife, i feel ready to open my heart again to another woman. My first wife will always have first place in my heart, but that is not to say that i would not love and cherish another woman

I have a feeling that he is getting his physical needs fulfilled by her because there is no threat of him getting too emotionally involved with her, and her rejection wouldn't hurt him in anyway.... And he is getting his emotional needs fulfilled by me, but afraid to sleep with me because he would then be too vulnerable.... <br />
I have given it time....just wondering how much longer I should "wait"....<br />
There is some "greater hand" in all of this, almost like it is pushing us together.... <br />
It does feel as if we are meant to be....<br />
I just don't want to eventually become his "doormat" because I've allowed myself to lower my own standards a bit where he is concerned....<br />
If he were anyone else, I don't think I would stick around.....<br />
Still confused.....