He Makes Me Believe In Love, And It's Nonexistence.

I'm not exactly sure what happened, because I decided to get drunk. Drinking helps me relax and be more of a fun person, and I was at a bar with a lot of friendly people. I had a ton of fun there, dancing and playing pool and making friends, and I think I even got on good terms with Snap's mom. (To recap from my previous story, Snap is my nickname for my boss.) It was my third night out with Snap and I thought most everything was going really well. We took a cab back to his house and he drove about 12 houses down to a vacant house where we would spend the night again.
But this is just background information.
Snap has a girlfriend, and has admitted to me that he's cheated on every girl he's ever been with. Obviously not the kind of person I want any serious relationship with, but he's unbelievably charming and fun to be around. Not to mention I'm extremely physically attracted to him, and we've already had sex. While I was still pretty drunk I asked him if he was seeing anyone else currently and if I can remember correctly he said just one other girl.
But then I realized that that's all that I am.. Just one other girl. No one special, just another girl that he's sleeping with before he goes to be with the one that he truly cares for (to an extent I suppose). And it's not like I expected to be much more, I guess it just doesn't do much for my self-esteem to just a number. He's 8 years older than I am and that's 8 more years of countless numbered girls. And I really doubt he keeps track of how many.
This all being said, I myself have been planning to date other guys and girls. In fact, I'm sort of extremely emotionally attached to someone else as well.
I understand that I have no just reason for feeling the way that I do about Snap because it makes me a hypocrite. And I guess I am a hypocrite, that's just something that I need to overcome.
I guess I'm only writing this because as I was laying there on his chest, I fully understood the confusion of love. Some would say that love is putting someone's happiness above all else, but I'm not even sure that happens anymore...
I thought that I was falling for Snap and that he considered me something special. Maybe I thought that I was falling for him because I thought he thought I was something special.
The role of the supporting role is too support, but who doesn't want to be the lead?... I guess I can't be the lead in every play. Maybe this is just the solidification of my jealousy and selfishness.
Love is just so messed up..
ImpulsiveDecisions ImpulsiveDecisions
18-21, F
Dec 1, 2012