I'm Dating An Aspie Man

For the past year I have been dating a sweet, loving man who I now believe has Asperger's. The problem is, he doesn't know it. He is 29 years old and has no friends, except for me, and hits most of the markers that I have found for the disease. About six months ago, when I approached him with the news, which I thought he would be excited about, he was less than receptive. As I have researched and learned more, I have come to realize that this trait, of needing time to process new ideas, is one that comes along with this disease. I had decided to leave it alone, because really, as long as I keep doing what I am doing, what does it matter?, but then recently he asked me to go into business with him. I told him yesterday that I can not do that unless he gets help and/or a diagnosis. He has had 4 jobs over the last 2 years, and has been sued by CC companies for forgetting to pay the bill. I know now that Aspie's have trouble managing money (I'm NT and I have trouble too!) and I have been encouraging him to get help so that he can get out of this lawsuit.
My question for you, my fellow Aspie daters, is this: should i push him a little bit on this? Or should I leave it alone? I can not risk my financial well being but I can continue the relationship. I have many questions for you but this one is most pertinent at the moment. Thank you!
41-45, F
4 Responses Jun 29, 2010

I will definitely check your blog out. I don't want to push him any more right now so unless he asks me, I will not bring it up to him again. We are meeting tomorrow night and I am trying to think of a gentle way to tell him I don't want to do the business with him. Asperger's or not, I agree that to do business with a intimate partner is risky.<br />
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He has never dated a girl before and so I have let the relationship be "open" until recently, and I gave him about 3 weeks to adjust to the fact that yes, we are in a relationship, and I love him, and it's not scary. He finally got used to me saying it, I teased him about it and he seems to be really liking the idea now. But, it has happened with him before, and he could easily freak out and bolt. I know that he cares very deeply for me, although I don't think he knows how to say it. But he shows it by telling me he misses me, and he tells me that I am the only person he can stand to have touch him. And i touch him a LOT:) He has reached a lot of milestones with me and we talk about it frequently, but again, I am also scared, I worry that he will just one day freak out and that will be the end of it. I try to love without expectation, or agenda, and I guess with that, as in ANY relationship, carries the risk of being hurt. A part of me feels that if I love him unconditionally, he will feel safe enough to someday really love me back, but I don't know if I am just being delusional. <br />
Anyway, I have gone on enough for tonight, thank you again for your honesty and I appreciate your point of view.

Sorry, it wasn't my intention of offend. I phrased it harshly not because I believe that you've disrespected him but simply because I thought that if I could somehow make you see how it could be on the receiving end, it might change your perspective.<br />
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Sometimes when we (aspies particularly) say or do things they seem fine to us but hurt others. I do understand that what you did was in his best interests and that you must really love him to put yourself in such a position but it's really something that he needs to decide for himself.<br />
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I personally haven't been hurt by the label but as a father, I was less than accepting when my son was diagnosed (he got the label first). Accepting it myself was much easier because by then I'd begun to see the positives. <br />
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BTW: My blog concentrates on the positives of Aspergers and you and your partner might get some benefit from having a look through it. See: http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com

Your reaction was much worse than his, actually. He and I have a very loving positive relationship and I would never treat him with the level of disrespect that you suggest. Our conversation was gentle and non judgmental, and my way of offering a solution to his self proclaimed issues which he feels a lot of frustration about. Whether he has Asperger's or not does not matter to me in the least. I love him and that is part of him, as I have told him many times. In fact, I think it has contributed quite a bit to the success of our relationship.<br />
I appreciate your comment, it seems a bit harsh, but i understand this is a sensitive issue. I don't know your history with it but maybe you were hurt by someone's judgment and I am sorry for that. I try my best to accept and love people where they are, since I expect the same treatment. Thanks for taking the time to read my story!

You've "self-diagnosed" this man with aspergers and you come out and tell him that he has it - and that he needs to go see a doctor to get diagnosed.<br />
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Why are you surprised that he had a bad reaction?<br />
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If you just invent a mental disease (eg: schizophrenia or OCD) and then think about how you'd feel if someone told you that you had it, you'd probably react the same.<br />
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So... should you push on the diagnosis front.... NO. If you want to do one more thing, then just buy a really, really simple book (Like "All Cats Have Asperger Syndrome") and leave it for him to read if he wants. He needs to make his own mind up - and you need to accept that he might not decide to accept it.<br />
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Should you go into business with him... NO. From the sounds of it, he's not a great businessman and it will destroy your relationship if you bring money stress into it.