The Aspergers Questions

I constantly wonder about what I can do to better communicate with my Aspie Boyfriend. I constant wonder why he doesnt seem to get why something upset me. Or why he feels the need to explain the noises different engines make or why he likes watching this particular guy on youtube who talks about guns, over and over again. I question why he cant seem to do something romantic for me, without me telling him outright what I want. (Which btw makes it completely un-romantic) I know all the answers point right back to aspbergers, but I sometimes wonder if there is a way to break through it. Or shortcuts to avoid the situations. I like hearing him talk, but he doesnt want to have coversations. Should I learn more on the subjects he likes so I can join in every now in then? Should I change the way I communicate, so that he can understand? Should I make him watch every romance movie in history, and tell him to take notes and use them on me in he future? What can I do to make this work? Because right now everything falls apart. He looses his attention during sex, and then gets angry that he lost the mood. He looses things, and I see them right in front of him. He obsesses over his car, but gets upset when i put a little energy into my dog. I just... I guess I need some words of encouragement.
iamurb3stsecret iamurb3stsecret
18-21, F
11 Responses Jul 12, 2010

I lived with this for 18 years. It does not get better.

Omg I feel like I wrote this, its really hard cause I feel like I know my bf is trying but at times I feel like hes given up.

Ok, i made a huge essay here, but it was too long, so this is the streamlined version, (really the other one was many pages)

I am an aspie, and all the stories i have read here make perfect sense to me. I find a good way of explaining what its like to others is to imagine that everyone is different, but most people are given a little manual at birth on how to understand and interact with others. Aspies were not given this book, and so from day 1, we have to figure it out for ourselves, and let me tell you, its all very confusing.

If you want to get a complicated idea accros, like why something upset you, speak logically, there is no easy way to do it, you are working from different manuals, so keep it simple, and remember, whats obvious to you may not be obvious to him.

Now coming to the romantic side, I have had to figure out everything from scratch. When music plays, i cant just "dance" where most people's bodies move on instinct, i have to move mine on purpose, and that is the same for conversation, kissing, romance, whatever, so if he seems to need you to explain what romantic gesture you want, he probably just hasnt figured out what you find romantic yet, or is nervous about doing it wrong and upsetting you, and as for the idea of showing him romance films, and getting him to take notes, i love that idea, it sounds helpful :P But remember, its not like he is an idiot, or that he isnt trying, just imagine he is from a different culture.

Finally, as for guns and engines, they are just fascinating, the world is a confusing and frustrating place, so many rules that contradict each other and keep changing, but engines, guns, (and clockwork for me) are all complex machines, with hundreds of pieces working in perfect harmony, and can be comepletely understood, every tiny grove, every little piece has its place, and it all makes perfect sense.

Now pretending that all aspies are the same is like pretending that all non-aspies are the same, i just hope this insight into one aspie might help you understand another.

p.s. as a reply to jracheal, yes its probably exhausting, but its just as exhausting for him to try to understand and please you too. Its so exhausting for me to understand you normals that i often feel like i have done a full days work after just hanging out with friends, thats not so say it wasnt enjoyable, its just exhausting.

p.p.s sorry for the long message.

My main problem is that I'm supposed to keep in touch with but I haven't had the nerve to do it and because I have also have a temporary inability that's preventing me from trying hard enough even if I wanted to.

I don't know what to think of because I have the same thing too along with A.D.D. I've never been in a relationship once and I don't know if I'll ever find a woman right for me unless she's like me.

I tried to date a woman (I'm a lesbian) who I think has Aspergers. I would be periodically stunned with remarks I considered insensitive. She talked about how beautiful various parts her previous girlfriend's body were. When I quietly indicated that those types of comments didn't make me feel good she looked genuinely bewildered. Yes I do love the honesty...but now I'm coming to the conclusion that honesty is overrated. I really have a lot of bitterness toward aspies. I've read so many blogs. From my Aspie I've been called "needy", and told that I love drama. Talk about drama - don't interupt these freakin' babies when they[re doing their stupid "special interests" no matter how mundane. I thought being a lesbian was getting away from the "male brain" of compartmentalizing things...but man - Aspie women are pretty damn chauvanistic.

OMG! I felt like I wrote this story while I was reading it. This is exactly like my boyfriend. I'm going to write my story now. If you need to talk, feel free to message me. Being in a relationship with an autistic person is often a very lonely thing.

Yes, I know it is.

u should become interested in some of the things that he likes but not everything he still needs something thats his, that hes only interested in, also tell him what ur interested in it will make him happy as he might feel the need to go and research it, but do not be suprised if he never talks to u about it, as for romance I know this sounds silly but tell him to go onto video jug and watch some dating videos theyre really good, u can check out a few vids to but dont watch them all or there will be no suprise. he prob gets upset when u spend time on ur dog because he wants ur attention, hes jealous of ur dog, id prob not put the 2 of them together when ur around unless u cant avoid it but also just him and the dog alone might do something helpful, like i feel like i can relax around my dog and not with people and i have a strong bond with him that i couldnt have with a human. hope i was helpful

These comments are very interesting. When I first dated my boyfriend I had the same feelings. It seemed like on some levels things were great, but something was kind of missing. Even when we got to the "I love you" stage often I would say the words and he couldn't always respond. It felt humiliating. <br />
After some counseling we have worked through some of the big issues. If he can't say the words, he touches me and touch means he loves me. It is important to remember that people with Aspergers are perfectly capable of loving someone, they just express their love in a way that is different than what most people are used to. When I adjusted my expectations and opened up to his world the relationship became dramatically different. Because he is so open and honest, I am able to be open as well. I'm not sure about the "mothering" in the aspie/NT relationships, my man doesn't need a mom. <br />
The one thing I have noticed in these posts is the "all or nothing" attitude that seems to come from the AS partner. When I pointed out to my boyfriend that he suggested breaking up whenever we had an argument, however minor, he realized how upsetting that was for me. Now he remembers that an argument isn't the end of things, it is just an adjustment. Most couples argue. None of us are perfect.<br />
I do think this is the best relationship I've been in, and I'm 45. We fell in love slowly and talk through everything, almost to a fault. I don't mind his constant talking, I find it soothing. It is really nice to be in a relationship with someone without an agenda.

But even if I could find one, I know it wouldn't last.

I realize I am replying 3 years later. But recently I jave found myself in an unexpected relationship with an older man with asbergers. I am 23 he is 32. Its only been 7 months and I couldn't find the words to describe how different we are. He is like the general man with asbergers although unique of course. Very into cars, painball, and outdoors. Emotionally...he's just...opposite from anyone I'd ever met. Most days we do really well. He's very sweet and caring in his own way. If I am upset, he says he does t know what to do but just kisses me on the nose and asks me to have problems he can solve. Other days, we dont argue inthe typical sense. We have discussions and everytime we have a mnormal couples issue, he starts to doubt the relationship. Everytime. Although I've met pretty much everybody im his life...even his mom whom he is close to. I read these articles to understand and see if he is just that way with me or it really is difficult. Even now, he says he cares. If he didnt, I wouldn't be with him. But when things get sucky, he doubts it. Not a question, but I am looking for direct advice. Because I do like this guy and the good outweighs the bad.

hi, sorry i dont really have any answers or encouragement, apart from that i know where your coming from. its exhausting, i guess you just have to figure out (as im trying to do) whether you can still keep yourself emotionally healthy and continue the relationship, ie...whether the good stuff in the relationship is worth putting up with the hard bits about being with him. good luck!

I have just broken up with my Aspie boyfriend, for many of the same reasons you list here. Unfortunately, we reached a place in our relationship where we had to decide if we were going to move forward, or if I was going to move on without him. He did not want to work on anything, so I had to say good bye. Many things about him were great, but there was a certain place he just would not, or could not, share with me. As of right now, he seems angry with me, but insists he is fine. i have noticed that he has stopped taking care of himself, and has become even more private and closed off. I told him that I am still willing to be his friend, but he seems to want to push me away, and so I am sad, but the door for us seems to be closed. Sorry I can't offer you any more encouragement but in the end, you have to make sure it is right for you, and that you are getting your needs met, as in ANY relationship.

I think he'd better going out with a female Aspie plus it's the same thing I want because I'm Aspie too.