Emptiness

I don't have any reason to pursue anything worthwhile: a career, a relationship, anything. Every morning, I wake and question why I even bothered. I question why I feel this way. I question whether it is worth going through the motions of the day. The answer is usually no, but I do it anyway.

I grew up poor with just one parent. I was overweight most of my life. I was also pretty smart and did well in school. People have told me how smart they think I am for as long as I can remember. I can't remember the last time I took it as a compliment.

I had always thought I was expected to carry (at least financially) the burden of my family on my shoulders. I'm not sure when I came to this conclusion, but until recently it was the only thing that mattered in my life. I graduated at the top of my high school class, earned an engineering degree from a world renowned college, and got myself a high paying job with the government.

Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, huh? It wasn't. I was constantly miserable.

I was never satisfied with my life. I thought it was because I wanted to better myself and led myself to believe that complacency and satisfaction would only thwart such efforts. I was blind.

I was unhappy because I disliked my family (most of them anyways). Dare I say that I hated them? I did; now all I feel is apathy. I lost the reason for doing the only thing I ever knew. Why was I working so hard for people who don't show me any love or support? I quit that job and now I make as much as a high school dropout. Sad thing is that I don't like this job any better than the last.

I lost my aunt to breast cancer last December. She was like a mother to me and, never having children of her own, I was like a son to her. It my belief that she is the only person who ever loved me and sometimes I think I died in that hospital bed with her, but my shell of a body keeps me on this plane of existence.

I don't feel anything anymore. I don't know why I bother continuing in this way. I'm just so tired of the constant disappointment and lack of love. No matter how hard I try to improve my situation, the best I can do is keep it from bottoming out.

I've given up on my dreams. My supposed intelligence is meaningless to me. I've lost my ambition to make something of myself. I've lost my desire to contribute to society and make our world a better place. I've lost what little love I had for my family and friends. I have nothing and want nothing. I'm dead inside.
powersauce powersauce
26-30
1 Response Sep 19, 2012

A wise king once wrote that Everything in life he experienced became meaningless to him. All the knowledge he obtained and the experiences he found that once gave him satiety, no longer made him feel even remotely happy. He said there was a time for everything. He wrote, "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to get and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."...

Another young ruler, only second to the highest authority in the land, had many negative life experiences before finding his purpose in life. His own brothers, whom he loved, sold him into slavery. He became a servant in the new land and worked diligently, making the best of a horrible situation. The wife of his master falsely accused him landing him in prison. While in prison, he gained the respect of the prison keeper and the prisoners and advised them wisely. Later, when one of the prisoners had been released, he remembered this young man in prison to be a wise person. The young man was released to give advise to the King and became second in command of the nation. Throughout all the years of his negative experiences, he was able to keep a healthy spirit and use his circumstances for good. He was, through a course of events, reunited with his family and able to save them and thousands others from a horrible famine in the land.

These two rulers realized after many experiences in their life that there is a time for everything. They took the good with the bad, knowing that everything in life was meaningless at one given point in time, but realized at the end everything they experienced had a purpose.

Hang in there, powersauce! Find your purpose in life and make the best of it!