Just Wanted To Get It Out

i was hoping the story could be anonymous, because i probably wont ever come back here, and who cares if i register for this?  i just wanted to let it out.  being dead inside.  or depressed, i dont know what it is and i dont have the motivation or money to "fix" it.  drugs and such, because i can function with this ... feeling.  i mean hell, im a barista at starbucks.  if i can fake it ... anyone can.  has anyone ever felt like, the pain was so complete, so complete and buried that you know you could cry in an instant?  even if you were at work, or school, you know that if nobody could see or hear you, or if someone said, go on, do it, you could break down?  you could break down and let all that pain out and cry or scream or whatever it was?  thats how i feel.  like its always there.  but its just so deep that ... i can bury it at times, you know?  like when im at work, i can bury whatever this numb, black pain is, and get on with my day.  i know im lucky that way.  yeah, lucky.  because i can face the world and bury my pain.  because even when i let it out, even when no one is home and i cry, and cry, and scream, and hit my pillow, and cry until i cant stand anymore and i even journal it out ... its still there.  in the end, even though crying made me feel better ... i know its still there.  this feeling of ... emptiness.  of thinking, "wake up! you arent living for anything! you are one tiny speck in this entire world, on this entire pathetic planet!  what am i here for?" id never kill myself (thats not the answer guys, trust me, think about who would find your body, and what that would do to them, and how they would have to carry on. not to mention where your spirit would end up).  but i feel like ... im waiting for it.  the funny part is, i dont live dangerously, i dont hope to die, i live ... what most people would consider a normal life, i just .... everyday think to myself, i just cant do this anymore.  and then i live another day, you know?    i cant kill myself, i dont want to die, i just want it to be over.  you know, that in between place? 

there are a lot of reasons why id be like this.  i dont hang out socially, for one.  see .... this is the story i wanted to share...

when i was 10, one month shy of turning 11, my dad died.  but what i cant tell anyone in everyday conversation, is that he didnt just die.  that would have been easy.  see, my sister and i were coming over for a visit with him, and he didnt answer his phone, so my mom drove us over to his house.  shared custody, y'know?  and she told us to go in and check on him.  so we go in, and we turn the corner, and there he is, lying on the couch.  on the way in my sister was telling a funny story, and so when we saw him i was laughing.  and she went over to him and couldnt wake him up.  and im just laughing.  and she tells me his lips are black but i just cant ... understand what shes saying and shes telling me she thinks he dead.  halfway out of the house, im still laughing.  halfway down the sidewalk, i finally stopped.  i think i know the moment i died inside, and i think that was it.  the moment it dawned on me that i just lost everything.  the moment i saw my moms face.  the moment i realized we had to tell her.  the moment we went back inside with her and i heard her crying on the phone with the police.  i know the moment.  and nothing was ever the same.   i remember everything.

there are times when i wish i had the guts to do hypnosis.  so i could forget.  dear god sometimes i just want to forget.  and then i think, "dont wish for that, stupid, you'll get amnesia and then where will you be?".  but every day is so hard.  we still live here, in the house he died in.  i dont know why.  but it seemed normal.  it seemed like an ok idea.  where else would we have gone.  in the days after his death life went on like normal.  i think thats why it was so hard.  there was no therapy and every time i told someone i was fine, they believed me.  i believed me. 

slowly after that i started losing my friends.  i stopped hanging out with the few friends i did have.  it took a good year or two.  then suddenly i didnt hang out at all.  suddenly i only had people i sat with at lunch.  there was no one to talk to, i knew no one cared.  everyone feels pain, mine was no more special.  mine was the kind of pain that would be there forever.  i could talk, i realized later in life, but could anyone really help?  thats still the debate i have with myself today.  im 21 now, a month shy of 22.

and im shaking as i typed all this, fighting the urge to break down.  sometimes keeping it together takes all my strengh.  im seen as lazy a lot of the time.  i dont know the difference.  i do things ... but dont see the point.  i go to work and try my best and try to be perfect but ... i dont know why.  and even when everythings not perfect i dont really ... care.  i just want someone to see me.  to know this feeling.  ive always wished someone could live a day in my shoes.  not so i could be like "ha! now you know what its like, isnt it terrible?" because maybe its not terrible.  maybe everyone feels this, i dont know.  i just want someone to understand and tell me whats normal.  or what would make me happy.  i need therapy, i know.  talking with someone who wouldnt patronize me would probably help.  asking for help is the key you know.  i guess .... it also makes me sad that my sister and mother never ... notice.  or say anything at all.  my sister will make jabs occasionally about me having no friends.  and my mom will say i should get therapy (when we ever talk serious, which is rarely).  but they dont .. help.   sometimes i just want someone to take me by the hand.  childish, yes.  but something that should have been done long ago.  now i feel like im too damaged.  like theres a certain point where you cant go back?  too broken.  too ... gone.

i was watching sisterhood of the traveling pants yesterday and right in the opening scenes one of the girls mom dies.  which i knew was going to happen because ive seen it before but anyway .. i suddenly let out what must have been a gasp and started .. sobbing.  i looked up at the ceiling and started crying.  i felt like i had been hit in the chest.  i felt like at that moment i was feeling all the pain i kept buried.  it went away as quick as it came though.  id cry right now, just to feel anything at all.  sometimes, when i laugh, i want to cry.  because the feeling of a laugh is so precious it just ... makes me want to cry with happiness.  im just so happy to be laughing it makes me so sad. 

ive tried talking to a cousin of mine who almost seemed to understand.  told me she cries every night, etc.  and yet, shes a very popular blond who left illinois and went to college in arizona and is on the cheerleading team.  maybe she fakes it better than me, or maybe she could never understand.  it doesnt matter, really.

ive pretty much come to terms with how my life will be.  i will ... get by.  in my "completely normal" way.  but i know ... i'll probably never love.  be "in" love.  i dont know if i can even make those connections. can you connect without ... feeling?  i dont know if i can open up like that.  the promise of tomorrow.  i guess.

the one thing i do tell myself though, is that i know there is a God.  i dont go to church, nothing like that.  but i just ... know.  as sad as i am, as broken ... i still know.  whatever you call him/her/it, i know something better is waiting.  even if there isnt, i choose to believe.  doesnt hurt.

siouxzqq siouxzqq
22-25, F
1 Response Mar 15, 2010

Dear siouxzqq,
While i was thinking that I'm feeling dead inside of me, I catch the story you'd written. I signed-up to this site and just want to tell you that you're not alone.
The worst day of my life was about two years ago, I'm not go ,nto details because it hurts me to write it down. My sister had an fire accident and I saw almost every moment of it. After that day nothing turned back to normal. I'm dead but keep trying to live like life is normal. I'm a good actress that nobody notices the pain inside of me. I feel a relief after I cry. (Sorry for my bad english I'm typing this message from Turkey) I don't know how it's going to end. Theraphies helps me a little but I can't afford it anymore. I'm a lost girl who tries to act like everything is normal. I want to shut out to people like I'm dead by the day of the accident! leave me alone.. sometimes I want to kill myself but it has no point for me. So I keep going, I find something to do with, like a beauty issue, I study, but I still don't know what do i live for. I read and reread everything that you write. I feel exactly the same way, you're not alone.