I Feel So Lonely :(

hi i have been on EP for quite some time now.
my name is Andrew and I'm 24

i just feel down lately, i thought i would put some of my thoughts down. and hopefully someone will reply.

i have recently recovered from an eating disorder, or at least managed to get myself a healthy life. i have been living with some other messed up young people for the last two years, as part of my recovery program. and i have now gotten my own apartment and have managed to keep a relatively healthy life for about six months now.

i have also started back at school, do get myself an education.
All these things sounds great and wonderful. but underneath the surface there's a lot of disturbance.

i haven't gotten any real friends at school, there is only a few people i can talk to and most of the time i just stick to one of them. but i don't consider him as my real friend because we only talk about world of warcraft, and i'm getting really tired of talking about such things.

I'm also getting tired of all the group assignments, almost every day we are going to work in groups. And it's terrifying for me because i don't like being in larger groups with people. And i always end up with the same persons or with no one at all, because i am too afraid to ask people if they want to work with me.
And i find it humiliating to have the teacher picking out a group for me.

Another thing that bothers me, is that no one seems to notice me. last weekend i bought some new expensive clothes and shoes. i thought i looked really great and had my self esteem rise a bit.
But at the school no one noticed me, or even commented my shoes or clothing. it made me really sad.

As you can see, i have major self esteem issues and social problems. but i find it comforting to know how far i have actually come.
two years ago i would not have been able to even have a conversation while i ate my lunch or whatever meal. or been able to start an conversation at all.

I am now able to talk to people at the school but it is still limited how open i am to people. But i still have some kind of mechanical sentences that i know i have to say every day even though they are not normal to me. like, "good morning" or "how have you been this weekend" these sentences are not normal for me, but i still say it to show people that i care about other people. But i don't really like it because i kind of feel false or feel like lying.

i am having some issues being at all the lectures, today i took a day off. mostly because i found it very hard to be at school from 8 am to 16 pm today.
and that's a lot of hours for me to be at a place were i don't like to be. or to be around a bunch of people that i have absolutely nothing in common with.

of course i have good days and bad days, but for now it's bad days. I still have to remind myself that i should continue with all this. and stay on the right path, and don't start on bad things again. But it is very very tempting to go back to the old ways and old rituals. Just to make me feel that i still have the control.

It felt very good to get all this down.
if you want to know more about my ED please read my other posts.
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Jan 10, 2013