So Alone.......

For the last 2 weeks I went from hope to dispair.

I have suffered from prolactinoma since 1999. Prolactinoma is a non-cancerous tumor located on the pituitary gland caused from excess prolactin in the blood. The pituitary gland controls your hormones and thyroid, to name a few. I have had the tumor removed but now they believe that my pituitary galnd my have suffers due to surgery.

 

I have had seen 2 specialists through all of this. But with the help of my family doctor I had hope and found my 2nd specialist and some hope. For 8 of the last 10 years I was always told that having children of my own would never be a posibility. But my new specialist gave me hope. She believed that with the right treatment we could prepare myself for fertility treatments.

 

My husband and I were married in 2000, and now we were given the possibility of having our own family.

 

The hope...........

 

Ater monitering my prolactin levels for 1 1/2 years everything was great. the plan..... Begin bc for 3 weeks and then begin injections. We were sooo ready. One more test to double check levels and we were goodto go.  Blood work then start bc.

 

Then dispair. My prolactin levels have jumped. With levels above normal there is no way to become pregnant. medication dose goes up, more blood work in 6 weeks, put of fertility treatments until they can determine why levels went up.

 

After being told for 8 years that I would never conceive it is hard to get your hopes up. But the last to years having someone tell you that they believe there is still a chance you can't help but be excited. The thought of it is great.

 

And I fell for it. I had accepted years ago that I would never have children of my own. But it doesn't make it any easier. The want, the desire, the ach to have that child of your own never goes away.

 

Watching all of your friends and family have children becomes hard. And it is even harder when they tell you they understand how you feel and that it will all be okay. So I keep quiet. I don't talk about it with friends or family. And I have a husband who doesn't want to talk about it if he doesn't have to. (He has always been like this) My only way of coping, reading how hard it is emotionally for others as well.

 

I don't know how long the pain in my heart will last this time. I suppose only time will tell. I only wish that it was easier to deal and cope with. Today I feel like a failure in life. And I feel so alone.

 

Sorry if this is crazy. Guess I just needed a way to get a little off my chest.

 

rkp19 rkp19
26-30, F
2 Responses Feb 27, 2010

Hi rkp19,<br />
<br />
So sorry to hear about your pain over your desire to conceive. While no one can completely understand your pain (since they are not you), those who are dealing with infertility CAN empathize with you, ba<x>sed on their own pain (myself included).<br />
<br />
Please know that we who are dealing with infertility do know how painful it can be to be unable to conceive, and that we each need to figure out for ourselves how to best address that pain.<br />
<br />
I wish you much hope and peace, as you go through your fertility journey.

No one will ever understand. Some say they do, but they cannot possibly. The pain is unbearable.