Mock Executions. Pull The Trigger Already!

My wife has threatened to leave me many times. She has spoken to divorce attorneys. She has made plans where she would stay.

I begged and I pleaded for her not to go. I told her I loved her. I asked her not to give up on our marriage. I begged her not to do this to our kids. I pleaded with her to reconsider.

Many times.

And each time she would change her mind and stay.

Last night she sat down and calmly told me that we had to work this out. She said she couldn't stay here anymore. She asked for my help in finding an apartment. She asked me to pay for her apartment until she found a job. She asked me to cosign her lease because she has no visible means of support. She started inquiring into apartments. She asked me to give her a proposal on custody and visitation for the kids.

I said ok.

This morning she said she would either leave with the kids or not go. There's no way I'm going to allow her to leave with the kids. So she asked if she could stay. I said yes, that it was her choice to leave in the first place.

I don't mean to trivialize the emotional anguish of torture, but I am starting to be able to relate to those who have faced numerous mock executions. After a while you don't care and you almost wish they'd pull the trigger.
accomplice accomplice
46-50, M
10 Responses Nov 2, 2010

You need to check out these:

If you're wanting to work it out for the kids (I don't blame you, I tried for 18 months without success, she gave her heart to one of our best friends) then you both need to work on making the relationship one you both want to be in. Is it easy? no. If she's not willing to at least try that then kick her *** to the curb homeless or not. Don't pay for crap. If she doesn't have the money then tell her to ***** herself to her boyfriend and beg him to pay her way!

thanks, hsb -- we separated years ago. i'm remarried now and infinitely happier.

I guess I should be better about reading days when things are posted. lol. congrats to you!

Thanks, blackforest. It isn't an easy decision or process.

well, that's a confusing behavior. I am not impulsive but when you push me to the limit, it's over before you know it...I don't say much either, but when I say it, I do it on the spot.<br />
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Marriage is a partnership, work it out with her..stay, but if everything else's time to make the final verdict though you still have to think of it a thousand times and consider those innocent people who will be affected in the long run.<br />
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Hope you'll see the light of things with her.

why is she leaving me? well, as it stands now she isn't. but if i were to ask her why she said she would come up with a number of reasons:<br />
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1. to get me to say that i want her to stay<br />
2. to give me an out because she thinks i would never give up<br />
3. because she doesn't want to be perceived as a bad wife<br />
4. because she sees me as unhappy and doesn't want to continue to make me unhappy<br />
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and perhaps a few others. But in no case did she ever take responsibility for HER decision to leave as something that she wanted to do.<br />
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Go the extra mile? Thanks... I've been a lot of miles now.

why is she leaving you by the way? Lucky wife because you still begged. I didn't experience that when I left home with my kids. I admire men who are willing to go the extra mile to save the marriage.

I have started to see a shrink to help me through all this. She explained it to me today like this:<br />
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My wife wants closeness, but also fears closeness. And so she destroys any chance of a relationship, so that it can't hurt her. But she really wants it though, and so she warms up. Thus the repeated cycle of threatening to divorce me, and then changing her mind.<br />
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It makes perfect sense in the context of her history and other behaviors.

phoenix, wholeman, thank you for your comments.<br />
I am feeling strong, but I know there will be continued trials ahead.

My heart goes out to you. To love someone who can't or won't love you back is a difficult experience at least. Eventually love will die when thus starved. The death of true love is painful and traumatic.<br />
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Take care of yourself. One day you will have the opportunity to put your life back together. You will need strength when that day comes.

I believe that I am neither mistreating her nor neglecting her. I am not perfect, I have made mistakes. Certainly, some of my mistakes have hurt her. For those that I know about, I have apologized, tried to repair, committed to not repeat, and attempted to make amends.<br />
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I do truly believe that no mistake I might have made would justify the abuse I've received. This is but one component of it, some of the others include being dismissive of my feelings and multiple (false) accusations of infidelity. <br />
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I do not deny that her statements and actions are responses to her perception of her environment, and I include myself and my actions as part of that environment. However, I do not accept that this is an appropriate response under any circumstances.

Thanks, takenheart. I don't even like rollercoasters!