Just Heartbroken By Life....Sounds dramatic but it's true. At the moment, all I seem to do is feel hurt and it cuts deep into my soul and leaves me powerless and frightened. Frightened because I start to feel out of control and I know there is no-one there in real life to help me. I am tired of being strong all the time and pretending that everything is ok. All I want to do is hide away and disappear for a while.
I have started to hate my life. Sometimes I even dislike my job as honestly, I just don't have it in me to always care for children all the time. It is so hard and I can't handle it at times. I also feel like some of the parents don't really appreciate me and that is hard to take. I think what makes it worse is that my personal life is so non existant. I have no friends, social life or partner and am not close with my family despite still living with them. I feel like I have to put on a happy mask all the time when I feel anything but happy. My emotional reserves are running low. It's not human to keep giving when you aren't receiving much love or support yourself.
Sometimes I just want to scream in frustration as it feels like nobody notices me or the emotional pain I am in.
I am tired of giving my heart and soul to the children and people I know, only to have it thrown back in my face or abused. I can't stand seeing a colleague I was once close with around work, knowing that she isn't bothered by me anymore and most definitely only used me to look after her kid and for someone to rant to when it was needed. She was like an auntie figure to me and it cuts like a knife to be blanked or not spoken to around work. Occassionally she will speak to me but it isn't often and I feel it is only out of guilt. Sometimes I want to cry in front of her and ask her why she did this. Why encourage such a close bond between herself and me, and her child and me just to discard of it when it suited? You don't do that to people. I can't describe how it feels seeing her around work and knowing that yet again, I have failed as a friend and at keeping someone in my life.
As well as this, in the last year or so, I have lost my three close friends due to various circumstances. One got arrested because of incidents involving children and another (best friend of 13 years) just seemed to get bored of me, kept messing up plans and then got angry and stopped speaking to me when I messed up just one social plan. I was also friends with her husband so don't see him either.
I feel like everyone expects me to be superwoman and that I am just there and not really valued or appreciated by my colleagues, bosses or people in general.
I seriously can't take anymore. I can't carry around this pain in my heart any longer.