I Want To Meet Him Before I Die..

Hello,

I fell in love with a guy when i  was 15. We used to stay very near to each other's houses. We didn't know each other personality, neigther we developed any kind of friendship. insted, we had a big fight coz of some stupid teen-age reasons...
so since the time i relized that i liked this guy and i was in love with him...we were already on non-talking terms. and he didn't give me even a glance.

Strange thnig was, i still kept very positive feelings about him...i was so much into him that i couldn't even think of forgetting him..as i grew older and mature, my love for him grew even deep and intense.
when i  was 22, i wrote him a letter saying that how much i loved him. he understood my feelings but was in another relationship and obviously was not interested in me. but atleast he started talking to me.

...i married another guy when i was 25. things went on pretty smoothly..i am happy with my marriage till date. but the "something missing" feeling is constantly there..

I again wrote to him this year, just to let him know that i still missed him, he wrote bk to me telling to forget him. he is married now. (his girlfrnd ditched him and his 1st marriage didn't work as the girl was mentally unstable.) it was clear from his email that he felt bad that our relationship didn't even start ever...
we now live in different countries..and i haven't met him since last 8 years. Neither there is any communication..

what I am not able to understand is, I still have very very strong feelings about him, he is always there in my subconcious...i can not discribe but my love for him sometimes becomes so intense...he has been there in my emotional self for nearly 18 years now...and it is totally impossible to bifurcate him from my "own self"..he is an intagral part of my personality.

when i try not to think about him, there have been strange dreams coming in frequently...which show the same concept but different situations.
eg. i am searching for him..but he is not there..i am trying to call him but the phone is lost / sometimes broken / sometimes i don't have his number...
anything! even if he is present in the dream i am not able to see his face, and he doesnt say a single word to me...

All these dreams keep coming...frequently..and its a very painful expereince.

First I thought that may be it was just an infatuation, physical attraction towards a guy whom i liked...but then after so much of pain, I still have very strong, positive feeling about him...there is a strange strong connection...i can surely say that it can not be just physical attraction...i don't think it can last for 18 years...

i feel intense need to meet him...(don't know what i would dd or say if i meet him..) and i always have a feeling that something is missing in my life...
WHY DO I HAVE SUCH STRONG FEELIGS ABOUT HIM?
WHY DID I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, WHEN HE HATED ME?
WHY DO I FEEL THAT ALL GOOD SHUD HAPPEN TO HIM AND THAT I CAN GO TO ANY EXTEND TO DO ANYTHING FOR HIM?
WHY IS THE CONNECTION THERE?
WHY HE STILL EXISTS IN MY EMOTINAL / SPIRITUAL LIFE?
WHY I KEEP GETTING DREAMS ABOUT HIM?

i feel the need to find out the connection, the answer....before i die...
and i want to meet him before i die...

could that be something to do with my past life..???? or OUR past life..?? i wonder....
pradnya14 pradnya14
31-35, F
Jul 12, 2010