And I Hurt Her.

Well, I guess we got into our first fight last night or whatever you want to call it.

I got a little upset because it didn't seem like she was trying very hard to come and see me, but I know now that it was foolish of me to think so. I know she loves me, and she would do anything to be with me. It's just... I got to the point where I needed her so badly, longed for her touch and her loving words, and the soft maunder of, "I love you..." so much that I went a little crazy.

Anyway... I sort of flipped out on her, and made her angry as well. She turned it around and said it was my fault, because I didn't ask my grandmother enough. And you know what hurts the worst?

She's right.

I think, somewhere in my heart, I felt guilty that I hadn't tried harder to arrange another meeting, so I got defensive and took it out on her. I knew it was unfair the entire time, that I was being stupid, but the longing welled up inside of me so strong, with my temper and stubborness, it's like I couldn't control myself. But I know it's just a silly excuse... it was my fault. I know it.

Well, at some point in our argument, she hung up on me. I can't stand that, more than anything. My ex did it to me all the time, knowing I would call back crying and saying I was sorry. And you know what? I wasn't going to do that this time... it reminded me too much of a relationship I ended up hating. So, I figured we just needed time to cool off and I went out on a walk. I told my step-dad if she called for me that I have my cell with me.

During my walk, I was a little disappointed that I recieved no phone call. Not that I expected her to, but I really hated knowing that she was mad at me, and I wanted more than anything just to solve our disagreement.

I returned to my house to find that she had called twice. My step-dad said she tried my cell, but there was no answer. I'm not sure why that happened, but I was privately glad that she had tried to reach me.

But the minute I called her back, the anger returned. I knew she was crying, and I knew she was sorry, and yet I couldn't stand down because of my damn pride. It tore me up inside to hear her like that, and still I couldn't back down.

Well, eventually the anger finally subsided, only to be replaced by this immense feeling of guilt and sadness. I knew I had been horrid to her, so unfair and unrelenting, even when she cried and begged me to settle down and stop instigating. I knew it was my fault. It all was.

What makes me feel even worse is that, even though she's hurt, she persists that I not feel so guilty and just forget about it. She loves me, so much, and I know that.

I know she loves me more than anything.

I just hope she knows I love her...

Pan Pan
1 Response Apr 9, 2007

I know you do honey . I forgive you. It's impossible for me to stay upset for you. I love you. That's not going to change.