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Making Some Big Changes

Wow, "work in progress" is totally how I feel lately.

Last year, I had a major stress-related meltdown. I was being oppressed in thought through classes in uni that were diametrically opposed to my beliefs. I was being dogged by people who seriously disrespected & backstabbed me due to those beliefs. I had a boyfriend who almost dumped me, a household of 10 people + a dog, and a family that was loaded with guilt trips, unhealthy levels of stress, poor coping, and the like... then to top it all off, we had a mold infestation forcing 3 of us to sleep in the living room together... so we had to do an emergency move (I had 3 days to find a house). And then to top it all off, I lost my job.

Well, by the end of all that, I had just crashed. I had no confidence, no self-esteem, no oomph, just nothing. Actually there was a time during that period where I didn't even feel like a human being- I was just some thing that existed to do stuff for other people. I wasn't allowed to have my own ideas or opinions, and if I had them, I sure as heck shouldn't say them, cuz someone would inevitably jump down my throat if I did.

Now, thanks to the help of a naturopath, some counseling, some good friends, and my wonderful God, I'm doing much better. I finally have a full time job, and I'm doing pretty well at it. I've made some new friends, and cut some old ones- including my former fiancee (who was a great guy- but I couldn't share any of my deepest thoughts or feelings with him, since he'd always disagree with me). I'm also in the process of, well, I guess you could say "pruning" the people in my life who, when it comes to matters of importance, undermine or demean me in any way (of which I have quite a few).

It's a bit hard to cut people out of my life. But at the same time, it's liberating to know that truly, deep down inside, I have the courage to do what's right for myself. I feel so much freer putting my foot down and saying "no" to people who don't treat me right. And it feels great to have the confidence to know that I don't have to hold on to these relationships out of fear that I won't make new ones, to be able to see exactly what my relationships are doing for- and to- me.

I still have some anger issues over how people treat me cuz of my beliefs. But that's okay... cuz I'm a work in progress :)
firefly128 firefly128 26-30, F Jun 15, 2011

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