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Depressed Over Memories Of My Children

Hi, I woke early this morning in tears flooded with memories just constantly flipping over in my head and it is always of my children when they were small. I am 35 years old and these memories just paralyze me almost to the point i can not function,  i am so glad i found this website.
 It all started after i gave birth to my third child, she was about 8 months old when as one person described it was like a bolt, overnight i became very anxious very obsessed about my 2ND daughter whom then was 7. I couldn't help this overwhelming feeling that i wanted back again what i had with her when she was small. I really cannot begin to explain the grief  i felt for her it was almost like i was morning her past gone, I got obsessed finding photos i had of her and beating myself up that i never really took enough. It was just a terrible place i was in, full of guilt, my husband couldn't understand me, i lost loads of weight and looked tired all the time I couldn't stop crying. Every moment of time was spent grieving for my daughters past, I even got up one night and woke her just so that i could be with her, we went down stairs made a hot chocolate and gave her a book i had bought for her.I love my children all the same but for some reason this obsessive thinking was just focused on her.
 I went to counseling but i cant say that that helped, I have also been on antidepressants but it did not  take all the anxiety away,i think it was just time.
 My third daughter is now 3, 4 in June, and i still in this way of thinking but not so obsessed as i was once i still cant look at photos. I have also since had another daughter, now just turned 2, I think having her did help me in some way. But now i look at my 2 youngest and feeling sad watching them grow up, i am dreading my 3 year old starting school, i just cant think that far, my husband keeps telling me i should embrace watching my children growing up, i don't want to look back one day just remembering all the sadness hanging from the memories, i wish i could just let go and be in the picture instead of looking on at one, it is so tiring and a drain of  my creative brain.
bowwater bowwater 31-35, F 4 Responses Feb 22, 2011

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Hi, I just punched in ‘grieving over my growing children’, and your story and responses showed up. Well, I am an older man and my wife decided to leave home after working in family business for 19 years when kids were 11 and 12. One week on, one week off was replaced by daughter staying with Mom. My son, turning 16 this week continues having two homes. He is loving but not given much to talk. My daughter and I could talk over everything and she helped me with my grief over the loss of my wife, we are always close when together (now iphone on).

I grieve every time I see a place and I recall incidents that took place there and when I failed to love them more. I have to leave home and visit places where we used to go, the parks we frequented. This followed by my taking laptop related work there. Keeping and treasuring their handiwork that my wife who has gone on cannot understand.

Then I started grieving over my parents as often I failed to show them love and did not provide more when I could have. Now they are both gone for years. I also started grieving over the wrongs I did to others in my life and repented.

Repentance has become a way of life. The good that came out of it is all the bitterness I felt about my losses and towards my wife left me and I became a very forgiving person. I still love her and wish she would return someday.

This note I am writing is inside my car at a college parking lot. My future is uncertain as financial messes ruined our life styles and relationships.

You still have a home and growing children. Do not risk losing your present blessings over past losses. I think my hurts have taught me to advise you not to ignore any moment with your dear ones, especially your husband who makes your home a home that every child deserves and needs. Let him share where he hurts.

I was going through the same feelings, however my kids are older. My first of four sons went to college this past summer. The next one is leaving in the fall. I also have a 9th grader and a 5th grader. I was terrified of the future without the kids in my house. What was I going to do? However these feelings all came on suddenly this last summer, as I have been pretty normal about them growing up until then(maybe I was just too busy). The nostalgia of them in the past was causing me so much sadness, it was terrible. Every thing reminded me of a memory and every memory hurt. I couldn't even look forward to anything because I knew it too would just be another past memory that made me cry. <br />
Anyway, I think this may be a depression due to a hormonal imbalance(I'm 47) because I am probably going through perimenopause. I have changed my diet significantly - no sugar, white flour, alcohol or much caffeine. I felt pretty much normal after a few months. I tried to get lots of sleep too and good moderate exercise. And I did start using a compounded progesterone cream. Not sure what it was that helped - may be all of the above. <br />
A few days ago , the nostalgic depression came back. I had two margueritas the other night and then over did it a few days later with some strenuous exercise with no sleep the night before and I <br />
think that got me messed up again. So I am just going to take better care of myself consistently.<br />
<br />
Good luck to y'all.

It is a horrible feeling and it feels like theres no answer and that its not going to get any better as they are only going to keep growing up. I am also trying to find some help but so far not much has changed. I think its almost like a grieving proccess, grieving for the kids not being little and knowing that I'll never have that back again. I do try as much as I can to think in the present moment and not the future because the future is scary and the past (when the kids were little) too sad, so that helps a little. It is really hard when a memory comes back of when they were little and the anxiety goes through the roof! There is some comfort knowing that I'm not the only one like this as unless your going through it, its hard for others to understand how your really feeling.<br />
Thanks for sharing.

Thanks so much for sharing here, for some reason it is nice to know that I am not the only one<br />
experiencing this. Sometimes I get to thinking I must be going insane, for I do not know anyone other than the people on this site that are going through this. My counselor hasn't been able to help me.<br />
My husband is to the point of being extremely frustrated with me. he just wants me to snap out of it.<br />
I can say that at first these horrible feelings were more intense, meaning that every minute of the day I felt so depressed and kind of in a panic worrying about what I should do, but now I do have a day here and there, maybe once a week, where I feel halfway normal and like things will be OK. <br />
Thanks again for sharing!!