Aching For My Children's Younger Years

I am a 49 year old wife and mother. I have a part time job I love. I have friends. I am involved in my church. I have great kids who love me and still want to spend time with my husband and me (occasionally). I am reasonably healthy (although you may doubt it once you finish reading). I am depressed. I feel guilty about being depressed. My sister lost a child and I cannot imagine her grief. My grief doesn't come close to comparing to how she must feel. I shouldn't be depressed, but I am. I don't know what to do about it. It is deep and it aches unbearably. I am grieving over my children growing up. They are still with me but I miss them so much. I miss the close times we had as a family. I miss all the things we did together. I never missed a soccer, field hockey, basketball, baseball, or hockey game. I went to every play, concert, and parent night. I even homeschooled for several years. Our family was very close. We camped, hiked, biked, and went to every event in New England. We read together, through series after series of books. We listened to every Adventures in Odyssey CD available. We were all involved in church activities, from Awana to VBS. Even as they got older, my children volunteered. We went on missions trips together. Now, they want to do most things with their friends. I run these memories over and over in my head. I search through photos and videos. I drive to places where we experienced good times and sit and remember. I will drive to a soccer field and remember my son playing there. I go to the park where their high school graduation was held and sit and think about it. I could go on and on. It is taking over my life. I feel like I am going crazy.
nostalgicmom22 nostalgicmom22
46-50
3 Responses Mar 3, 2012

I also live in New England, and am a pastor's wife. 3 of my kids however, have grown, and headed back "home" to upstate NY, to attend Bible college, and live near all the relatives. I am here serving beside my husband, and hurting everyday with the unbearable ache of wanting to move back home too. I homeschooled my kids, we did everything together. When I read your story, I got teary eyed, because, I thought I was the only one who was so messed up! My kids are working, and going to college, and are busy, so I don't hear from them as often as I would like. I know they are walking with the Lord, and I am proud of them. But, boy do I feel like I want to go back to when they were little. I want them on my lap and in my arms! UGH! I know we are supposed to let them fly, it is normal, it is our job... but I am stuck here, and I am so lonely. I don't have answers, accept that I pray for contentment. I ask the Lord to satisfy me, so I can stop dwelling on the past, or on moving closer to the family. It helps me hang in there.

I really do feel for you and understand. My kids all still live at home but are getting less and less dependent and wanted to spend less time with me and more with their friends. My youngest is only 11 and I feel this incredible sadness when she is only 2 doors up the road playing with a lovely friend, because she would rather be with her than me. And it seems so silly to feel this way. Like you, I loved all those family times together and they hold a special place in my heart. I am a very very lucky person and I should have no time for sadness, but that's how I feel now. Anyway, I do feel for you and hope you are OK, and I'm happy for you that you still have a good times will your kids.All the best..

You're not crazy. Your life is just in a transitional place. You can still enjoy doing things with your kids, they will just be different activities and less often. I know it's not the same. I struggled with depression when my twin sons went away to college.<br />
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Seems like all the reminiscing and visits to old places isn't probably the best idea.<br />
Time to start some new traditions. I declared Sunday a family day. We always share a special meal and some hanging out time.