Aching For My Children's Younger Years
I am a 49 year old wife and mother. I have a part time job I love. I have friends. I am involved in my church. I have great kids who love me and still want to spend time with my husband and me (occasionally). I am reasonably healthy (although you may doubt it once you finish reading). I am depressed. I feel guilty about being depressed. My sister lost a child and I cannot imagine her grief. My grief doesn't come close to comparing to how she must feel. I shouldn't be depressed, but I am. I don't know what to do about it. It is deep and it aches unbearably. I am grieving over my children growing up. They are still with me but I miss them so much. I miss the close times we had as a family. I miss all the things we did together. I never missed a soccer, field hockey, basketball, baseball, or hockey game. I went to every play, concert, and parent night. I even homeschooled for several years. Our family was very close. We camped, hiked, biked, and went to every event in New England. We read together, through series after series of books. We listened to every Adventures in Odyssey CD available. We were all involved in church activities, from Awana to VBS. Even as they got older, my children volunteered. We went on missions trips together. Now, they want to do most things with their friends. I run these memories over and over in my head. I search through photos and videos. I drive to places where we experienced good times and sit and remember. I will drive to a soccer field and remember my son playing there. I go to the park where their high school graduation was held and sit and think about it. I could go on and on. It is taking over my life. I feel like I am going crazy.