He Leaves In 12 Days

Our oldest son leaves for college soon. I guess the best descriptive word I arrive at is bitter-sweet. See, 20 years ago, we decided to start a family. After the heartbreak of 3 miscarriages, we were beginning to look at other options. A visit to an infertility doc reminded us to stop trying so hard and just enjoy being together. So a romantic weekend away gave us the boy we are packing up right now. I guess the heartache of miscarriage does something to a wanna be mom. When the dream becomes a reality, you spend your time there, drinking in that your dream has come true. But now I am being forced to release the dream again of being a mom full time. I know his laundry and problems will be returning for mom and dad's help, but it won't ever be the same. I am trying so hard to soak in the moment of every experience we all have together, but I wring it all out in tears when the bed room door is shut for the night or alone in my car driving and listening to music my son put on my phone. I remember feeling so useless after the miscarriages and that old familiar twang is returning. I don't want it to be this way! I cry out to God NO! You can't take him away from me!!! I am Not losing a child again! Help me God! This boy has been my world for the past 19 years. Where do I go now?
Pammieinarwas Pammieinarwas
46-50, F
Aug 5, 2012