My Children Were My Joy In Life. Now They're Grown And Gone. I'm Lost.

I'm grateful to find this forum to connect with other mothers or fathers going through these same feelings.
I divorced when my kids were 2 & 4 and I made them my life. In fact, from the moment they entered this world, they were my world. My babies gave me something real to live for, for the first time in my life. How I loved every stage they went through. Yes, there were days I was exhausted and missed adult connection. But over time, they filled my life with the most amazing love and wonder, laughter, hugs, meaning.
I know I did a good job. They're confident and adventurous; too much so. They're now on two separate continents and I'm back here in their quiet little hometown.
I'm tied here by my job. I've never found a man who was worth the effort.
Sometimes it seems like all I  have are boxes full of photos. Each one brings back floods of memories. The memories are literally almost psychically painful; a grip on my heart, a cavern for a stomach.
I've decided to keep the photos in the box for now and work hard to build a new life for myself, rediscover who I am besides "Mom". It's working! I'm starting to call up acquaintances & getting together for coffee or lunch or a movie. Connecting with other people is the key! :-))
gingerale1355 gingerale1355
61-65, F
2 Responses Nov 1, 2013

I'm in the same boat and my baby is only about to turn 2 :(

My son turned 21 today and I am being flooded with emotions as I type this. I, too, am single and feeling very low and alone. It was just him and I after his mother moved away when he was in the 7th grade. These days he lives with his GF and I only see him occasionally. He was all I lived for for many years. This new phase of my life has officially begun and I'm not real happy about it. He's a great kid with a good job and also in college. I miss him a lot.

It's really hard to let go, isn't it? I listen to a Sara MacLaughlin (sp?) song where she sings, "I don't know how to let you go" and I think of my girls. I really don't know how. Yet they go anyway. People have repeatedly reassured me that they will always come back. And I know that's true. It's so not the same, but somehow I/we need to savor those times and try to hold all the memories as happy things instead of pain. (I'm still working on this; it seems like some days I'm able to feel this way now, and some days I'm not. It even feels like life is not worth living sometimes. But I have to say here on this planet so that they don't have to live with me gone/having killed myself.) Today as I write that it seems unreal, but some days, usually when I'm totally exhausted from the workweek, on Friday evening, that the worst feelings come. Then Saturday morning brings at least energy and hope. Take care. We just have to find new roles. Find ourselves again; the person we were before we even had kids. And even nurture the small child we are/were that's inside of us. 0x