Feel Depressed About My Kids Growing Up

When my children were just 4 and a half years old my marriage with their mum broke down. I knew that we didn't truly love each other so knew it was best for everyone that we both go our seperate ways. However I was devastated for my two boys, I carried a lot of guilt & ended up depressed. I knew I wouldn't be able to see them every morning and that tore me apart, however I was lucky enough to have a 50/50 split with their mum, but still, these boys were still going to have to adapt to the changes facing them & I was worried for their emotional welfare. 6 months down the line the boys looked like they were adapting well & I was feeling better, I still had my down days, giving them back was always tough. Getting on for 7 months later I met someone else, things moved very quickly, my new partner & I had a baby boy and we were married within 2 years. However things weren't always that great. She suffered with depression & it was hard to live with. I supported her through everything but for some reason me & my boys were always the enemy when she had down days. She was very protective over her son from a previous relationship which caused rows. The boys started to feel rejected by her. She was also hung up on my ex wife, she would always try to put her down, constantly brought her into conversations. She was a very jealous person and extremely paranoid. She would go through my phone & my Facebook account. I had nothing to hide and apart from work barely stepped out the front door, I don't know what she was expecting to find. I tried everything to make her happy & sometimes at the expense of my boys, she would treat them like rubbish sometimes and would say nasty things in front of them. I tried to make it work because I knew deep down she needed me, she wasn't well after all. However things started getting worse, I was constantly being accused if things, she even became a little violent towards me. So much negativity had come from this relationship & I found I was always having to justify certain things. It was an uphill struggle. In the end I decided to leave & as much as I loved her felt it was best for the children's welfare, if I wasn't there, then no arguments. However I now feel like I've lost precious years with my children. I had to deal with the first split & the impact that may have had on my boys lives & now I had brought them into this volatile relationship. Ciaran struggles with change & my relationship with my ex did have an impact on him socially & emotionally. I look back at pictures from when they were younger and sometimes I cry, I want those years back. I love my boys to bits and they are lovely children and I'm very proud of them. But why do I get so upset, should I not be living in the present and be excited for the future?
deleted deleted
26-30
Nov 5, 2013