I’m so exhausted. So tired. So sick. Physically weak and emotionally drained, looking for that constant. For that someone to show up who will hold me and tell me everything is fine. Who can show me that my life was meant to be more than just a lonely walk through the woods alone. I can’t even think of a meaningful way to express how I’m feeling. Just that sense of loss over a relationship that was never really there, and never will become what I’d hoped it to be. The feeling that I’ll never meet anyone who will walk this road with me, that as time goes on I’ll just begin to fade further and further into the background until I disappear entirely.

I wish I could shake this heavy haze and retreat back into my numbness and apathy, where I don't care about the world and it doesn't care about me. But my foolish heart keeps trying to wander out into the dark, believing that somewhere out there there will be someone who wants it. No matter how many times I put band-aids on its skinned knees and elbows, glue its pieces back together, and try to gently tell it that this life will always let it down and that the hope its looking for burned out long ago, it keeps on searching. No matter how crumpled or trampled on it may get, a part of it still believes with a child like innocence and imagination, trying vainly to create new dreams from the broken pieces of glass it finds shattered on the floor.

I wish I could cut that part out of me and be done with it.

I wish I was strong enough to do that.
22-25, F
Dec 8, 2012