Maybe I wasn’t happy, maybe I felt alone, maybe I was trapped in that darkness. But it was constant, I knew what to expect and even if the dark was lonely, there was some comfort in its familiarity. I was finally accepting the fact that I was meant to be alone. I was finally accepting the fact that I’m never anything more than someone’s afterthought, if anything at all.
But then you showed up. At first I didn’t know how to react, that the black monster holding my leash was pulling me back inside myself, telling me to just walk away. So as I usually do with other people, I locked my true self deep down inside me and put on a “happy” face. But you weren’t satisfied with that. You somehow found a way past the mask, looking for the real me. You didn’t force it and you didn’t give up when you didn’t find what you were looking for right away. You didn’t need the instant gratification that most people seem to want. No, you were gentle and careful with me. Moving slowly through my precariously balanced piles of garbage, taking care not to disturb anything, but somehow still managing to pull out some of the treasure the trash had hidden. And it was something no one had ever done for me before. Not like that.

Suddenly there was someone there I could actually talk to. Someone I wasn’t afraid to show the real me to, even if only in part. And the most wonderful thing of all is that when you did find me, you actually cared about what you found. For some unknown reason you saw some value there. Without realizing it I began to fall for you, head over heels, tripping and stumbling over myself in giddy enjoyment. Like a young puppy with clumsy over sized paws learning how to run for the first time.

So I began to hint at the possibility of us becoming something more. That the line between good friends and lovers might not be as set in stone as one might think. Thant the line would be easy to step over. And maybe you picked up o it, maybe you didn’t. But the response I got was not the one I wanted. Suddenly the idea of us being together became a joke. Something that was teasingly suggested, but then only laughed off as though the mere idea of it was completely ridiculous. What happened? I don’t understand why after everything, a relationship would be such a stretch. And then I wonder, maybe I only imagined all those things. Maybe because of my loneliness I started to construct something that wasn’t there, that never will be.

I don’t know what to believe. That monster is trying to force the mask back over my face, telling me to hide, to lie, because no one really wants me around. “I told you so” it says. I try to fight that monster, to push it off, to tell it that it’s wrong. That I do have value, that I can be loved. But it just laughs at me and pushes back even harder than before. And now every time I see you there’s this pang of loss, mixed with a wish, a small hope, that maybe just maybe some spark might still exist. That anytime we touch I long to both lean into it and savor it, and whip myself away to retreat into the black. And it just leaves me with an aftertaste of both sweet fruit juice and bad alcohol. A bittersweet stinking flavor so strong that it makes me want to throw up.

Everything has become so jumbled now, I’m not sure what the truth is. And the whiplash from the constant ups and downs is starting to get to me. I want to let go, to just let myself fall down into the black again, to forget about whatever it was that went on between us. Because maybe I wasn’t happy, maybe I felt alone, maybe I was trapped in that darkness, but there’s comfort in familiarity.
22-25, F
Dec 9, 2012