When I Turn Around... It Worse...

i have been dealt some pretty hard hands and I am only 24 years old. At this point in my life i have a hand full of "good" friends. They may not know everything but I know what I can and cant tell them I don't always feel like I can talk to them when I really need to. I'm not sure if that makes me hard headed or them bad friends. My best friend right now, I have 2.. one I see a lot and the other I don't, told me last night as i talked to her about leaving my husband that I was strong enough to do it on my own. With 2 kids I am scared. i told her I cant do it on my own and through my tears today I don't know that I can.

But when i get out of bed and cant say one good thing about my life. I talk to old acquaintances and they ask what happened to me. They don't know about most of the cards I was dealt. But I hear the fear in their voice that some how I lost my *****. All have said that I only light up when I talk about my kids. But there are days when I think they would be better off with out me. I have a lot of baggage and hate. I cant love anyone the way I should and I cant feel love. I try to be happy and cling to the things that do make me smile... but when those aren't around... I feel worse. I feel sad and scared.

jabebff jabebff
22-25, F
2 Responses Feb 10, 2010

Thank you for that. I cant imagine what you are going through. This EP community seems like a great place to talk to people that care. I know I dont know you.. but if you ever want to get those things off your chest... I am a great listener.

I'm 22 and I lost my mother about a year ago. I was fine at first but it got harder as the time went on. I have a lot of friends but none that I can talk to about how i'm really doing or feeling. Most are scared to even ask or to mention my mom or their mothers for that matter. My one best friend I see all the time is a selfish person. I love her but it is the truth (and not just with me). She has never once asked if I was ok.. the couple times I did try to talk to her she didn't know what to do and changed the subject. As for my family.. we've never been the type of people to discuss our feelings. You think it would bring us together, but it has only pushed me and my father farther apart. We're very different people and he doesn't know anything about me and has never tried to get to know me. <br />
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I know you're experience is much different from mine, but I related to your story so much when I read it. Everything I've read about losing a loved one talks about your support system but what do I do if I don't have one? My mother was my support! <br />
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But as for your kids.. they would never be better off without you! They love you even if they may not always act like it. I was a rebellious teen and said some nasty things to my parents, but my mother was always there for me and I always knew she loved me no matter what! We had our rough patches but she was always my best friend! They may not understand what you're going through, but they will always love you no matter what!