I'm Really Struggling With So Many Aspects Of My Life, And I Don't Know What To Do Anymore.

I'm really struggling right now and my head is all in a jumble. I feel like I either want to have a total freak out, run away, quit my job, leave my marriage, move away, all of those things, any of those things, and none of them as well. I'm so confused and in the past couple of weeks I've started to think about hurting myself, when I've never thought of that before. I feel like I want out of this place, my life, everything.

I have a good education, a well-paying job, and everyone sees me as positive, funny and successful, but it's all just a facade. Underneath I'm lonely, scared and feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I find it so hard to get out of bed in the morning, and I can't remember the last time I was really happy, or even if I ever have been. I've never been satisfied with my life or had that feeling of contentment. I wake up thinking that I can't wait to go to sleep again the next night. At least when I'm sleeping I'm not thinking. I get anxious and over-think things all the time. It does my head in. All I want to do is stay at home, in bed and do nothing.

I got married to my husband about four years ago. We have been together for 13 years. When he drinks he has sometimes been physically violent towards me, and over the years I have grown not to trust him to have any concern for my well-being. However because he is only violent about every six months or so, I don't really feel like it happens so often that I need to leave. I mean, I wish I could leave and I probably can, but it's so confusing. In between times he can be nice to me, and I don't want to disappoint my family, or his family, or our friends. I haven't told anyone about what's happened between us, and I can't say I'm innocent either because I argue a lot too. A while ago there was a large earthquake in my city (yes, seriously), and during that time total strangers were good to each other, supporting each other, and helping out the community. On that day I was right in the centre of things and saw a lot of bad stuff, crushed people, horrific injuries, hysterical people, broken buildings etc. It was disturbing. My husband wasn't interested in hearing about it (my experience) - fair enough that maybe it's easier for him not to, and that he's protecting himself by not listening, but it's just another thing that's made me feel isolated and unsupported. I mean, I saw all these other families becoming closer because of the situation, but I only felt more distant. Now I don't feel anything towards him, I just feel sad I guess, that our lives have turned out this way. We have talked it through about separating, but somehow we are still together, really just living our lives in parallel, but not really engaging in our relationship as such.

My work has become so stressful (for everyone, not just me), and I can't cope with it. I don't like to make a scene or draw attention to myself, and I'm embarrassed that people have started to notice that I'm not myself. I just want to crawl under a rock and die, pretty much. I have tried to get help, through a support service that my work engages with. It's helpful I guess, but it also brings up a lot of bad stuff that I don't want to think about. I guess you could say that I've never liked myself very much, and always preferred to kind of imagine I was elsewhere. I have indulged in excessive drug and alcohol consumption over the years (since I was about 16 - I'm now 35), and although I don't do anything regularly now except drink, I still feel like I want to get so wasted all the time. I really just don't want to think, and don't want to be me.

I'm at a loss about what I'm doing with myself, and wonder if I'm just having a mid-life crisis. Has anyone else ever felt this way? I'm not sure whether to approach my doctor about medication, and I know I have to make changes to my life but I feel right now that no matter what I do, it's never going to be enough. I'm always looking for something else. Something more, or something to fix me. Does that sound stupid? I'm tired of feeling like I'm just getting by, and I just feel so overwhelmed all the time. I can't see the forest for the trees. Maybe someone has some ideas, but if not then just thanks for listening. Even telling you guys about this is helpful for me in a sense.
Sierra1978 Sierra1978
31-35
May 9, 2012