I Feel Like I Can't Forgive Myself...screwed Up

On the outside I'm usually happy and pleasant but I always cover up the deep dark secret of mine. I feel like I screwed up majorly and can not forgive myself. I can't leave the past behind me and move on. It is so hard, I just can't find a way to do it. I hate complaining to people that know me because they probably don't care and it's old news but it is very real to me. Basically I got pregnant (here we go, I just rolled my eyes at myself) and had a shotgun wedding. My family is very religious which is why I don't understand why I chose the lifestyle I chose but that's not the point. I love my little one with all my heart, and I will never ever say that I regret him because I don't. I regret choosing to have sex in the first place and having a shotgun wedding. It has been a while since then but I always feel the need to prove myself to others like I'm not good enough. I get so jealous when my friends have beautiful traditional weddings because that is always what I wanted for myself. I am extremely jealous and ashamed of myself. I don't know how to make myself feel better (especially when it seems like everyone in the world is getting engaged....gosh people stop!) I need to move forward and stop feeling like such a loser. I want to have my marriage blessed in the Church but I can't deal with not having the white dress experience. I'm too immature right now to let my dream of having my father walk me down the aisle perish forever. (Not to mention he still brings that up and makes me feel like the worst daughter in the world) I hate myself for the decisions I have made in my life and how they have affected my parents. How do I forgive myself???
pickle88 pickle88
5 Responses Jul 26, 2012

I don't understand why, in this day and age, you HAD to get married. That seems to be a very archaic view and in my opinion very extreme, even for very religious people. Surely your parents were aware of the potential damage a "shotgun wedding" could do? As grown up parents they must have been aware of the misery that marrying an unsuitable suitor brings, the entire of the industrialised world is against forced marriage in every religion because they are basically tantamount to abuse! What would have happened if you had refused to marry? If my daughter (if I had one, I have a 26yr old son) had come home pregnant that's not the way I would have handled it. Secondly, if you are so desperately unhappy you have to get out of the relationship even if it means you upset your parents, you owe it to yourself and your son in particular to be happy, kids pick up on these things you know! I understand you may be backed into a corner and have nowhere to go once you have left but there are many people who can and will help you. You don't need to forgive yourself, you made a mistake, one that you must come to terms with in order to live your life don't beat yourself up about it there's nothing to forgive. You are not a loser, you are a mother, probably THE most important job ever, if it wasn't for mothers the human race would cease to exist. When you do manage to leave you and your son will be embarking on an adventure and that white wedding might just happen after all and when it does it will be for love not religious necessity. First thing you have to do is forget about feeling sorry for yourself and take affirmative action though, nobody else can do this for you and it's gonna take guts too. There'll be lots of drama, emotional blackmail and threats but if you remain steadfast and determined you will get through it. I hope you start feeling better about yourself soon and that everything works out for you. If you can, please let me know how things go if you can and if I can help you in anyway, even if you just want someone to talk about the weather with drop me a line. Steve.

How about you have that wedding anyway. You can do a renewal of your vows and do it big and with style. White dress and all if that's what you want. Jesus forgives you, and your family certainly understands that. Just plant a big renewal of vow service in the church and make it as big as you want.

The phrase live your life means just that, your life, don't worry about how others see you or what others have, life has given you gifts to enjoy even if they aren't text book experiences doesn't mean they aren't cherrished memories and/or life lessons, love your family, enjoy the little things because life is made up of mostly that, the big things are mostly dreams that are nice but, not practical in the real world

Ur not alone hun, everyone makes mistakes, its part of life & growing up, PLEASE stop being so HARD on urself, u'll get thru this ..I PROMISE! Good luck to u & your baby hun €:-]

If you want it, you can still do it. I'm going to have a big *** party and a white dress, and I don't even believe in "marriage" at this point because of government involvement in the word and subsidization of state sanctioned and recognized relationships.. I was crazy jealous for YEARS at all of my friends that seemed to get married at the same time, living the life society told me I wanted. You can have your pretty princess day with sparkly lights, butterflies, a big old white dress, and bouncers to shove haters out the door, and you can have it any time you want. As for your dad? Screw him. Your life didn't turn out the way he wanted? Too bad. It isn't his.<br />
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Personally, I am having kids before I get married now because of my age. (Weddings are expensive! And I want a good one!) Statistically, being married doesn't have any greater chance of my partner and I sticking together, so I'm not letting society bully me into doing things in any predetermined order, if at all. When I was your age, I would have felt the pressure to get married first. It would have been horrible and the pressure was horrible I'm sure. Don't let society pressure you into anything that doesn't hurt anyone if you don't want to do it. There is nothing for you to forgive. you didn't do anything wrong except let society push you around and make you feel bad. We were all young once.