I Feel Like I Can't Forgive Myself...screwed Up
On the outside I'm usually happy and pleasant but I always cover up the deep dark secret of mine. I feel like I screwed up majorly and can not forgive myself. I can't leave the past behind me and move on. It is so hard, I just can't find a way to do it. I hate complaining to people that know me because they probably don't care and it's old news but it is very real to me. Basically I got pregnant (here we go, I just rolled my eyes at myself) and had a shotgun wedding. My family is very religious which is why I don't understand why I chose the lifestyle I chose but that's not the point. I love my little one with all my heart, and I will never ever say that I regret him because I don't. I regret choosing to have sex in the first place and having a shotgun wedding. It has been a while since then but I always feel the need to prove myself to others like I'm not good enough. I get so jealous when my friends have beautiful traditional weddings because that is always what I wanted for myself. I am extremely jealous and ashamed of myself. I don't know how to make myself feel better (especially when it seems like everyone in the world is getting engaged....gosh people stop!) I need to move forward and stop feeling like such a loser. I want to have my marriage blessed in the Church but I can't deal with not having the white dress experience. I'm too immature right now to let my dream of having my father walk me down the aisle perish forever. (Not to mention he still brings that up and makes me feel like the worst daughter in the world) I hate myself for the decisions I have made in my life and how they have affected my parents. How do I forgive myself???