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Worthless.

Never been called beautiful. Never been told I love you. Never felt the feeling of being cared for. Bullied everyday. Dread going to school, because of what I go through. No one understands. I keep it inside. I don't smoke, or drink, or cut. I try to stay strong. People see me cry, I wipe my tears and tell them I'm fine. I go home, it isn't any better. I don't wanna eat, but I do. My parents aren't bad. But it's hard to get along with them all the time. But what kid gets along with their parents all the time? I hate myself, I hate who I am. I can't think of one good thing about me. I tell myself all these bad things and have shoved them into my head everyday that when people try to compliment me, I turn them down and don't believe them. I wanna be beautiful, I wanna be skinny, and perfect. I wanna be liked. I wanna be loved. I want someone to care for me. But nothing is that easy. I know. I just wanna curl up to a ball and cry. I hate life. I don't want to smile, I don't wanna be happy. I don't deserve it.
realitycanhurt realitycanhurt 13-15, F 14 Responses Oct 5, 2012

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The good news is you're in highschool. The world is WAY better after HS. The better news is people are MUCH LESS CRUEL after highschool. Don't get me wrong, there are very mean people but the bullshit and teasing and immature crap ENDS when you graduate. In fact, I was a nerd in highshool. I knew more about computers than the computer teacher. (he was really a math teacher) and I and one other student had gone through Computer VI and there were no more higher computer classes after that. 2 people wasn't enough to start a computer 7.
Point is, I was bullied, picked on, teased, etc.. I HATED going to my school.. then like 6 years after highschool, I ran into one of the people I really didn't like at all. He was nice to me and we bs'd about past times and how things used to be and the struggle of supporting yourself and he told me "Oh man guess what happened to Rick Derris" and things like that... it was great and without a word, the second we ran into each other, all of that crap was left back there.. it doesn't carry over.

Everyone gets a BIG dose of humility when they move out and hit the streets.
There will be people in life who judge you the same as these cruel students but they will be silent in their judgement.

You won't have to live with this in 2-3 years and you are going to meet a man who will show you the difference between a boy and a man.. and you will be able to feel like a woman... and trust me.. THIS... where you are now... will be a joke...

I know it's not a laughing matter to you at this second... but it truly will be...
you will wish you could go back to today... and not have to worry about anything but a$$holes with no maturity...

BTW, this was in 1987 so keep in mind there was NOTHING cool about nerd or geek and if you had anything to do with a computer you were a complete outcast... I know this is hard to understand but that's literally how it was.
There was no internet. There were no commercials on tv about anything computer related at all... ZERO. No Microsoft commercials..
So I was a solid target for harassment.

you sound just like me, I went through the same, happiness did come but after 29yrs I am in that place again. hang in there god has some one for you. and I have to believe in my own words too. I am trying to join a new club, start fresh where you know no one, just be friendy and you will get a new friend ,

I want to let you know i am a great listener. Add my skype. The skype name is childsuport. I would love to hang out with you:)

actually you can cry and express out.that's better .i too went through this. my parents call me rude and bad. i can't tolerate any more now.so show up what you feel.don't make mistake now.answer the bully in his/her way. get him slap on his/her cheek or worser .get into fist fight if you can. stay strong.remember you didn't did anything wrong.

I know the feeling. At the moment your having a hard time seeing the good thing and it kills you from the inside. I know but stay strong there really upsides to life even when you cant see them.

WHat really makes u think that way ? Everyone in this world is beautiful , lovely and unique no matter what , being beautiful doesn't mean that u have to be perfect like celebs , you have to smile , smile at people , make frnds and everyone WILL like u I garuntee , but be happy wid them smil wid them !!! :)

Did something happen to you that makes you think that way?? I mean I don't know you but just by looking at your picture I think you are pretty and I do think you are a nice person but need more confidence. Girl don't feel ugly! the ugly people r the one that bully or make other people feel bad of them self! If you are chubby, there is nothing wrong with being like that! if you don't like it then try doing activities that you like. It doesn't have to go to a suicide way ok? Hang in there! if you want you can email me and talk with me! I felt like you when I was your age so I kinda know what you are going through... I am very sure that here are some very nice people that are willing to be there for you or at least talk to you, most importantly, try to think positive, take care of yourself, love yourself, tell yourself your are pretty the way you are, the way people think about themselves is very powerful so try to think positive as much as you can. Everyone will wish you happiness and positive thoughts to yourself.

Of course you deserve to be happy . You was out in this earth to find who you really are inside .

Reality can hurt....I have been thinking about your post for awhile now. You know I am 47and I still deal with stuff like this from time to time but I think that if I had heard alof of what people are telling you and made an effort to try to change MYSELF and not let others tell me what to think, feel and do, I might be in a much different place in my life now. I was never taught to love myself, i was always taught to put others needs first for that was more important. So I never learned to love myself and the needs and opinions of others came to be what mattered. But now I find it hard to find things about myself to like and loving myself is often times difficult but I am learning and I have decided to make a change and the first thing I am trying to do is to learn to love myself, one day at a time. Someone posted that there are things about you to love but you said there is nothing. What you start with doesn't have to be big or significant. I started with the fact that I love my small feet. Kinda stupid huh? but I do! :) and I'm looking for other things and some of the things I have found have been hidden for a LONG time.

The other thing that I have done is to stop my inner judge, my super ego, or whatever you want to call it that tells you what a loser you are, or whatever it says. I yelled at her one night and told her to just STOP and if she did maybe just MAYBE I might be able to get better, to get healthier and she wouldn't have anything to critize and I told her that IF she had something to say she could say it in a nicer way or not say it at all... surprisingly it has made a difference and if she does say something MEAN I say STOP no, that's not nice, say something nice!

So the truth is you have to love yourself first, it's hard to grasp at time but I guess it's the truth. I hope that you'll seriously reconsider your thoughts and work to change things now so that when you get to be my age you will be happy and in love with life, i wish I was. hang in there, you have a long road ahead of you, why not make it a happy one?

realitycanhurt,

The first thing I want to say is to be careful on this, or any website. I'm a Mom to a beautiful 9yo girl, but sadly, I lost a baby that would have been your age right now. You’re young and beautiful, but also vulnerable right now. Sadly some people prey on young girls, and really anyone who they believe they can easily manipulate. Your parents may be a better source of how to deal with this than you think. You know your situation, and your parents, better than anyone on here does. But, as a parent, all I can say is give them a chance. If not them, a trusted aunt, school counselor, etc. Don’t suffer in silence, there are people that can, and will help you through this.

I’m also a "survivor" of some intense, prolonged, bullying and harassment in a VERY small town high school. What you said, did, wore, bad hair day, whatever, was on display and talked about within minutes. My senior class was only 45 people!

When I started my freshman year, I was very involved in church. So dating, even just holding hands at school or kissing, was not really an option for me at that young age. I went through my freshman year with some level of harassment, but not too bad. Generally it was just the “low on the totem pole” freshman year stuff. Then in my sophomore year, things started to get more interesting. I was suddenly more popular and being invited to parties.

One night, about three months into the 10th grade year, my brother had a party while my parents were gone overnight. Sadly, he and his friends were drinking. There were guys from my year, and his, at the house. After some drinking, two of the guys from my year separately tried to get me in bed. Not only did they try, they pulled at my clothes, forced me on a bed, and almost raped me. In both cases, I fought them off. Luckily, they were drunk enough, and I think not quite stupid enough, to really force me. I’m scared to think what would have happened if I hadn’t fought. My brother may not have been protecting me completely, but I do think he would have beaten the crap out of them if they did. I was able to keep them away, and lock myself in my room for the rest of the night.

The next week at school, the rumor mill had already started. I was a ****, a *****, and they claimed I slept with them, and that I did all sorts of sexual acts with them. None of it was true, but that didn’t matter. I was pushed into lockers, had notes put on my locker and binder. Had people not whisper, but openly talk about what a piece of trash I was. The girls seemed to love this. The guys had always flirted with me, and apparently their insecurity really was deep. They devoured this opportunity to destroy me and were relentless with their attacks.

After about 2-3 months, the intensity lessened, but I was never again happy at school. You can imagine how that affected my grades, and my self-esteem. Wondering where my brother was during all this? So did I. He never stood up for me, never defended me, and I was left to the feeding frenzy. I know that we were just kids, so I understand he was afraid of that happening to him if he did stand up for me. But, this is why some kids fail in school, drop out, commit suicide, or bring guns to school and start shooting.
I was a social pariah and complete outcast all through those 3 years of high school hell. My brother never did try to help, and never did try to defend me. Luckily, we have a much better relationship now.

I went through some counseling that helped A LOT. One of the biggest things that helped was realizing that I would probably never get the opportunity to "right the wrong". And I had to release my pain and anger. I knew that what they did was wrong, and that I was a good person that didn't need their approval. And really, didn't want it anymore. I also realized that people are mean generally because they're sad. I didn't know what was happening in their lives. Were they being abused verbally or physically by siblings, friends, or maybe even their parents? I'm not saying it's an excuse, but it can be a huge reason. People lash out when they feel out of control.

The only advice I can give you is to distance yourself from anyone who makes you feel bad about who you are. I know that sounds lame when you have to face them almost every day. But, it's true that when you ignore the haters, they will eventually leave you alone. They might occasionally try their crap on you, but you have to continue to stay strong and ignore them. Bullies need an audience and the most important member of that audience is the person they are targeting. If you don't care, their insults and abuse have no purpose. I know you do care, but don't let them think you do. If you need to cry, walk away strong and do it someplace private. You can't let them see your weakness, EVER.

Find people who are in your corner and honestly and truly care about you and your life. People should have to earn their way into your personal life. They should have to earn the right to have access to your heart and mind. If they don't show you that they are going to be a continuously positive player in your life, they need to go. But remember, you have to be that for them as well.

I wish you the best of luck and I would be happy to chat with you on here if you need more help. I would ask that you tell your parents about this message before you contact me. You are a minor, and although I truly want to see you get help through this difficult time, I would never want my good intentions misunderstood.

Sincerely, A Mom and Bullying Survivor

we think of good for you,, try to get away from them who dont like you,, try to find who understand you,,look for Love,, and yes,, we all love you here........

You do deserve to be happy!! Everyone does! & just know that those who bully you, have insecrities of their own and dont want to think about them, so to see you and the others they bully feel sad, makes them thunk they really dont have problems/insecurities because your feeling horrible...also what im learning is if YOU want to change yourself, YOU have to do it for YOU.

Hi Reality, Its a great thing that your journey to enjoying who you are has already begun, and that's by being on this site sharing your life with everyone including myself that is reading this, So thank you.
I have a real urge inside me when I focus on one of the first points of your words above: "People see me cry, I wipe my tears and tell them I'm fine." I think there is really something that your telling yourself there, and if I look back on my experience (and please, this is only my experience I am no preacher and I ask that you only consider my words, as they are not gospel!) in life and always kept bad times to myself to the point that i would become angry through frustrating myself and take it out on other people.
So can i ask you; Have you opened up to anyone around you that you would be comfortable to cry with, parents a relation or close friend - The more and more you open up to people the easier your troubled thoughts will be to deal with. Please do not deal with this alone, even if you sit in front of a beautiful sunny view and share your thoughts with wind (and yes that means talking out loud).
Seriously though , its probably taken you a lot of courage to open up on this site which is a massive start. So now take that courage on and on to people around you and people will help you more than you can imagine!
Thank you again and I know from here each day you will wake up stronger.

HFranky.

There are many Good things about you:
1. You dont drink
2. you dont smoke
3. You try to stay strong
4. You some times get along with your parents.

And i am sure that there are many more!!!!!! You dont need SOMEONE to call you beautiful beacuse you are Beautiful. Stop hating yourself because of what others say to you or think of you. No matter what they say, it does not make it true. Speak to someone about being bullied. This is destroying your life. When people compliment you, smile and say thank you and believe it. Start loving yourself again, if you cannot LOVE yourself then how do you expect others to love you. You are a young and beautiful person that deserves everything and more. Your parents LOVE you, so try and speak to them. I repeat, start loving yourself again. Wake up every morning and say to yourself that Today you will be happy. Smile more often, as it will only make you more beautiful. Dont let the bullies get to you, get help. It doesnt mean that you are weak if you ask for help, it means that you are BRAVE enough to ask for it. No one is perfect, BUT you are perfect to someone. Believe that and SMILE because you DO deserve to be happy and you ARE loved.