Feeling LowRight now I'm feeling low and would love to be able to talk to someone about how I'm feeling. It's the middle of the night, I have the flu, and I'm not able to sleep. I've been feeling up for quite a while, I stopped smoking 5 weeks ago and that was a huge confidence boost. But now I'm down again. I guess it was only a matter of time. I wonder whether I am manic. I certainly have my ups and downs, but they say everyone does. It's just mine seem so extreme. Like when I feel really down, my mind often turns to suicide, and I see a noose. An easy way out of it all. And when I am up, I have so much energy and am bouncing from one thing to the other. Suicide is the last thing on my mind.
I have quite a few reasons that have led to me feeling low today. I was disappointed with and offended by a close friend. It's school holidays and both kids are here expecting to be waited after and the house is a mess. My daughter locked me and my boyfriend out of my room last nigh, so I slept on a coach with a small blanket. I woke up with the flu. I didn't get a job that I was hoping to get and the bills are mounting. A colleague was out of line and disrespectful. And mediation with my sociopathic ex husband was postponed by three months. It all happened in a short space of time. Most of it just this morning. One disappointment after another and now I'm really pissed. I'm angry and sad and frustrated and all those negative emotions that they say we shouldn't feel. That we should avoid.
I've cried a couple of times today. I haven't hit or broken anything though. That's good I guess. I think I feel more sad than angry. There are a few things I'm angry at, but mostly just sad and so disappointed. Disappointed in others and myself. Really disappointed I didn't get the job. Hate feeling sick. Struggling with the stress of everything. Of kids, housework, work, politics, friends and bills. Really sick of bills.
But I will keep going. Go back to bed and try and get some sleep. Get on the plane tomorrow, do the meeting and come home. Remind myself that everything happens for a reason. Hope tomorrow will be a better day.