Post

I Need Someone To Trust, I Need A Friend.

I am 20 years old. I was diagnosed with depression when i was 17 years old. Any thing can set me off and put me into a dip. Even something really simple.
The day before and of my 19th Birthday I planned out my suicide. I had many plans actually and I felt like no body cared about me. Everyone says that there is always a bunch of people that care about you, but they don't know the real me. Do they know that I am self conscious ? Do they know that my Ex boyfriend said I wasn't good enough for him? do they know I never went to a prom because no boy ever liked me enough to ask me to go? I never had a real first date. My mother was never home. my dad stopped visiting me. my mother remarried and the only memories i have of her are of her ignoring me and closing doors in my face and locking them.
i have no friends. i have no one to tell how i feel. i look in the mirror and i cry. i hate who i am. i hate who i see and i hate the thought of having to look in the mirror every day. at one point in my life i did stop looking in the mirror. i avoided my reflection.
you're probably reading this saying this isnt even a story. that this isnt depression. that i just want attention. you're wrong if you're thinking that. this is my story. and it may be jumbled up and stupid and it may not be your definition of depression but i know it is. i know that feeling when you cry your self to sleep and wake up crying. i know the feeling when when your empty. you're so empty that there is nothing or anyone who fill up that space. that feeling when there is that ONE person who says your life is worth something and you think "you know nothing"
I KNOW THAT FEELING. That is ME.
My ex boyfriend cheated on me for two years. from start to finish and I had no idea. I felt stupid. i felt childish and insecure. i wasnt good enough for him so why would i be good enough for anyone else? theres always someone who is better looking right'?

about a year went by from the time i attempted suicide. every day is a battle. everyday i think about doing it. different plans come into my head. different reasons come up. i am not a coward. its not about the "easy" way out. its about being hurt so much you can't take it anymore. nothing can ease that pain. a lot of people say that doing it is selfish. is it really ? is it selfish for me to put my self out of pain the only way i know how? therapy doesn't help. sure let me go talk to a therapist. they can't make those feelings go away. they cant make other people love me. they cant change my past.
it is the past. and some people dont understand that. they dont understand that even childhood memories can make me depressed now. repressed feelings hurt the most. you try so hard to forget about it. and then it comes up and it hurts more than when it actually happened.

i got a tattoo on my 20th birthday. a quote from jason mraz's song I wont give up.
it says I wont give up on my wrist. i've wished so many days since i got that tattoo, that it would magically wash away so i could give up. so i wouldnt be a hypocrite if i took my life.

other times i wish i didn't think of these things. so i could talk to someone else about how they feel too. i love talking to other people about their problems but when they ask me i just say im fine. i dont look at other people and say that they are crazy but i do think if i opened up everyone would think im crazy.

im scared everyday that my current boyfriend, brian will leave me for thinking all of these thoughts. he is constantly trying to make me feel better, telling me im all he wants. and i dont believe it. i love him. or i think i love him but i wonder sometimes why im with him. why am i dating someone when i know im not good enough. why am i with him i know hes going to find a girl is skinny and pretty. a girl who is smart. a girl who is not me.because if i die, eventually people forget. they move on. and im just someone they all used to know.

kpagan418 kpagan418 18-21 9 Responses Oct 16, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

I understand because I feel the same way it's like any thing can set me off

I get out of depression just listening music and giving less importance to others , main reason for a depression is family and friends. Know the reason and just try to think less

Depressed mind is one of the most sensitive minds. depression may have a definition but really, who's story is the same as someone else's? who has the same painful and sad memories that you do? everything people do or say will bring them up. I have different story but the consequences of some of my experiences made me feel very similar to what you are describing. the loneliness and isolation inside is almost unbearable sometimes. its not an easy way out, taking your life is anything but easy!!! it means you have been holding on for very long time without support that you deserve. your ex boyfriend cheated on you and left you wounded... you know, very often people who do these things and say that you are not good enough for them actually have issues with themselves, not you. i don't know you but you sound very sensitive to me. don't avoid to look at yourself, celebrate who you are, you are very precious! you have mentioned some very difficult times in your life and look at you, you are still holding on! your current boyfriend sounds like a good guy, give him a chance... i know it must be difficult to imagine that he could let you down too. tell him about your experience and if he does, HE is an *** hole. If he doesn't, trust him. Like Tula in My big fat greek wedding... I love that story!! I know its a movie but I get inspired by women like her :) You can enjoy your life too! Maybe people around you ignore you but know that around the world there are people like us who have replied who sympathize with your pain, who have an idea what a hell it is to wake up in that pitch black hole everyday and only hear 'come on you looser, just be happy!' ... like as if it was a matter of choice! Ignore people who wear you down, every feeling you have has a valid reason behind it. Don't beat yourself over not being perfect, as much as some people look they have it all together, you would be surprised how much we all suck! ;) Don't be so hard on yourself, look at your tattoo and smile, you are a princess warrior!!!

I have been through so much bullshit in the past four years that would make your head spin and I still love myself because there is nobody out here that's going to love you besides you you have to love yourself in order to love someone else!! I'm all alone yes I get lonely yes I wish I had a woman but I'm content and happy!! I'd rather be by myself then be miserable with somebody that's why she's my ex-wife. And there's nothing on this gods given Earth that would make me commit suicide!! God does not accept you when you commit suicide!!!

All i want to say to you is thank you. I honestly thought i was the only one that feels this feeling of unwantingness and wishing that someone would come along and give me the love that i feel i deserve. I have the same thoughts as you everyday. I am alone, there is no family and no true friends, but i have to think about my future. There are goals that i want to meet, there are things that i want to experiance. I want a family, i want to raise children of my own, teach them things, love them, protect them, make them feel loved and beautiful, and ill kill anyone who makes them feel any different. Think about your potential sweetie, we are young with many years ahead of us, meaning that there is plenty of time to change our lives and alter it to the way we want it. To be happy

hey, i hear everything ur saying. i wont ever judge you and i know where ur coming from. i have been battling depression/bipolar/bpd since age 12. my parents separated (a relief cos the old man did alot of bad ****) and never heard from him again. the ol girl was ****** up and didnt give a **** what was going on. i starved myself for a couple of years, and the only person who didnt notice was her. i first od'd when i was 14, icu for a couple weeks then straight back home. i was put in a psych hosp when i was 15 and was there about 8 months. the happiest i have ever been. i cut my wrists, i od several times more. now im 33, im struggling, but im here. i have died 3 times this year at my own hand, and have been left with some residual side effects that may never improve as a result of my od's. i put my car into a tree at 180km with no seat belt and survived. i have lost count how many times i have been on life support, most recent being about 8 weeks ago. i own my home, i have two beautiful daughters, and a great job. i am single. but, i still battle, every hour of everyday to be here. i have to live for me. not for all the people who say they care. not for my kids. just me. and there enlies the problem. i have little resepect for me. i dont admire anything about me, and i dont feel adequate in our society. i have been told i am an awesome mum, and i know my kids love everything we do together. but then there is still me. sad, lonely, thoughts racing, mind chasing, sometimes manic, often without sleep, or food. but then i crash. everything turns bad, and i try and end my life. there are no promises i can make to you about whether things will get better or not. i cannot see tomorrow, much less the end of the day im in. i take 80 odd pills a week in order to keep me here, but if i go off them, i am dying within a week or two. i do believe, i will die at my own hand. i just dont know when. if you want to chat anytime, let me know. happy to listen support and help if i can xx

I feel empty inside I have two beautiful boys sometimes I feel like I don't wanna to be here anymore in sometimes I feel like I want to get up to run away from this life I'm living I've been unhappy since the day I can remember a little girl trying to commit suicide yup that was me I have been feeling empty and lonely feeling like nobody don't care about me I could do so much for people in they stabbed me in the back so many times I feel like I don't have no life no purpose here I love my kids so much but I feel like I can't give them the life they need I just want my kids to be happy I don't know what to do anymore I feel like I'm not here maybe I'm here just to live in pain I pray and I pray and I pray please God help me take this pain away I'm feeling.. help me to be normally help me to be a good mother to my kids help me to not feel this pain I'm feeling.. Who am I who am I God dear Jesus I'm so lost inside my own mind so confused I don't want to be this person no more.. I feel weak please help me I don't know what to do sometimes I go to the bathroom I turn the lights off I get on my knees or i sit down thinking and praying and hoping In wish that one day my life will be better that I will be stronger that I wanna have to feel this pain no more people think just because I keep a smile on my face I'm happy but only if they knew how sad I am inside in how lost I am inside my own mind sometimes I look in the mirror and I ask myself who am I who am I I feel so alone I thought I had one person that cares about me but he don't he just make my depression worse he will call me all these names the names he calls me hurt so bad it make me believe that's who I'm really am why do I let this man treat me this way he know I don't have no one but me and I say oh god please help me can't you see how much pain I'm in touched my heart touch my soul touch my mind tell me what you see what you feel am I a good person or am I a bad person because I don't know who I am I'm 27 in I've been going through this since I was 7years old my whole life was messed up my life was taken from me I lost my mother I lost my older brother I lost my grandfather I lost my cousin that was like a brother to me Iost my aunt in my uncle my grandmother still here with me I do not want to lose her I had a gun put up to me when I was pregnant the gun was pointed to me in my grandfather i big for our life I need help I'm so tired of feeling this pain I don't want to feel this way anymore I just want to be Normal

I feel exactly the same. No one ever wants to listen to me, so I have to talk to myself. But I really do care about you, I want to listen to you. I want to be there. I don't know if I can ever be happy. They told me the same thing, that I just wanted attention. When I tried to kill myself at age 13, my whole family laughed and was angry at me. They said I just wanted attention and that I was copying others. I tried overdosing, drowning, cutting, hypothermia, and sometimes I just want to drive off the road. My father said he didn't care. I just want to feel loved. But I feel like no one will ever understand or want to understand. Everyone I know calls me crazy and if they knew how I was sad and wanted to kill myself, they's think I'm even crazier. I don't think you're crazy at all. You are beautiful and I know it's hard to see it. I can't look in the mirror either, even if people tall me i'm pretty. My 19th Birthday is tomorrow and I'm so glad I found this cite. I understand you, and email me if you need to talk. I actually care.

I dont think I've ever agreed with someone more in my life. We've experienced a lot of the same things and I know it's going to be hard to believe but I know how you feel, and I get it. Your story isn't stupid and you are not a waste of time. I've been told the same thing for as long as I can remember and I get how much it hurts. My family's destroyed and I have no friends to run to. From the outside, people think that I'm fine when on the inside I'm dying. I've been to a therapist and it didnt help any. Having a blank expression look you in the eyes and tell you that everything will be okay, doesn't make things okay. I've planned out my suicide multiple times but have never had the guts to do it. I don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life, and even though my family has screwed me over in the past I cant do that to them. No matter how much I've been hurt, I can't hurt other people. I pushed away everyone that was close to me. I dont know how to handle my emotions, who to turn to, or where to begin to better myself. And after all this time, I wish someone would have and would continuously be there for me. i know how you feel, and I am so sorry. Nobody ever deserves to feel like this but one day the right person will come along. That's what I keep telling myself. Keep your head up girl<3 Things WILL turn around.

Life is very complicated sugar. I've never been diagnosed with depression, in fact I have never felt truly low, but I have felt blue before and it is never easy. I'm pagan which has not made life easy for me because the religious right tends to try to cram their thoughts down my throat. My advice is to get out into the sun, meet at least one person. You don't need to bare your heart to them, just have a brief conversation. Then maybe the next day meet someone new. Whether you go out shopping, or you're at a book store or coffee shop get out and feel the world in the sun light. Breathe in life, because despite all of the trials and tribulations we face it is a fascinating experience.