I Need Someone To Trust, I Need A Friend.I am 20 years old. I was diagnosed with depression when i was 17 years old. Any thing can set me off and put me into a dip. Even something really simple.
The day before and of my 19th Birthday I planned out my suicide. I had many plans actually and I felt like no body cared about me. Everyone says that there is always a bunch of people that care about you, but they don't know the real me. Do they know that I am self conscious ? Do they know that my Ex boyfriend said I wasn't good enough for him? do they know I never went to a prom because no boy ever liked me enough to ask me to go? I never had a real first date. My mother was never home. my dad stopped visiting me. my mother remarried and the only memories i have of her are of her ignoring me and closing doors in my face and locking them.
i have no friends. i have no one to tell how i feel. i look in the mirror and i cry. i hate who i am. i hate who i see and i hate the thought of having to look in the mirror every day. at one point in my life i did stop looking in the mirror. i avoided my reflection.
you're probably reading this saying this isnt even a story. that this isnt depression. that i just want attention. you're wrong if you're thinking that. this is my story. and it may be jumbled up and stupid and it may not be your definition of depression but i know it is. i know that feeling when you cry your self to sleep and wake up crying. i know the feeling when when your empty. you're so empty that there is nothing or anyone who fill up that space. that feeling when there is that ONE person who says your life is worth something and you think "you know nothing"
I KNOW THAT FEELING. That is ME.
My ex boyfriend cheated on me for two years. from start to finish and I had no idea. I felt stupid. i felt childish and insecure. i wasnt good enough for him so why would i be good enough for anyone else? theres always someone who is better looking right'?
about a year went by from the time i attempted suicide. every day is a battle. everyday i think about doing it. different plans come into my head. different reasons come up. i am not a coward. its not about the "easy" way out. its about being hurt so much you can't take it anymore. nothing can ease that pain. a lot of people say that doing it is selfish. is it really ? is it selfish for me to put my self out of pain the only way i know how? therapy doesn't help. sure let me go talk to a therapist. they can't make those feelings go away. they cant make other people love me. they cant change my past.
it is the past. and some people dont understand that. they dont understand that even childhood memories can make me depressed now. repressed feelings hurt the most. you try so hard to forget about it. and then it comes up and it hurts more than when it actually happened.
i got a tattoo on my 20th birthday. a quote from jason mraz's song I wont give up.
it says I wont give up on my wrist. i've wished so many days since i got that tattoo, that it would magically wash away so i could give up. so i wouldnt be a hypocrite if i took my life.
other times i wish i didn't think of these things. so i could talk to someone else about how they feel too. i love talking to other people about their problems but when they ask me i just say im fine. i dont look at other people and say that they are crazy but i do think if i opened up everyone would think im crazy.
im scared everyday that my current boyfriend, brian will leave me for thinking all of these thoughts. he is constantly trying to make me feel better, telling me im all he wants. and i dont believe it. i love him. or i think i love him but i wonder sometimes why im with him. why am i dating someone when i know im not good enough. why am i with him i know hes going to find a girl is skinny and pretty. a girl who is smart. a girl who is not me.because if i die, eventually people forget. they move on. and im just someone they all used to know.