I Dont Know...

Im 15, im not even sure how this started. But just this summer i didnt feel...right. Everytime my mom or dad tries to be nice or just talks to me, i just feel like screaming in their faces. I always felt angry towards them no matter what. I started cutting. I was addicted for a few months. 2 friends found out so i stopped. Ive always felt alone, noone to talk to. And even if i did have someone to talk to, they didnt care. If i wouldve killed myself tomorrow, it wouldnt have a huge impact in their lives. Ive been feeling really depressed ever since then. I slowly isolated myself with my family. When school came, it just didnt feel the same. i would fake being happy, i hate school. I hate going to a place where i just feel alone, seeing how everyone is prettier, smarter, skinnier... i try to be happy, but i just cant. i dont know when i can ever be fully happy again. id always have random moment where i just start crying when something good happens. i tried overdosing, but theres just not enough and i dont want my parents to notice. ive already finished 4 bottles (they were nearly empty). Im just hoping i wouldnt wake up the next day. Is it crazy that i actually wanted to jump off the top of my stairs onto the hardwood floor? It was the first time i ever thought about doing something like that to kill myself. i always wanted to do it by pills, to die in my sleep. i was so tempted to jumping off the railing. of course i didnt do it but ive never gotten that feeling before. Its getting worse everyday. I dont know if i actually want to help myself. id rather just slowly die on the inside.
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11 Responses Nov 5, 2012

You're not alone; it was so hard for me to believe that "high school will end," "there's so much more to life," whatever. It just felt like I would feel this way forever. I am now in college and snap, so much has changed. My symptoms became more apparent and I finally had to admit to myself that something was actually wrong and I needed help. Going to see a counselor, beginning to take medication, was a hard step for me. But one year later I can say that my "bad days" are much less frequent and not nearly as severe and I can let myself have hope that I am more than my fight with depression and things can get even better.

Life weeds out the weak and the insecure by the very same thing you are going through. What you don;t see is that everyone, even the thin, pretty and perfect people are going through the same things. They feel worthless, and that they have no value to their lives. They feel alone too, and lost, like you.

So many hurting people, and everyone wants the other people to be the first to reach out to them......

The answer, as weird, painful and downright odd as it sounds, is to do what you just did. To reach out, to cry for help. A great many of the people in the world are too jaded by their own hurts to take you seriously, but they know where you speak from. The pain you speak of, they all know it. They deal with it a thousand different ways, from ignoring it to cutting, to sex, to drugs. Anything to make the pain go away, to feel connected for a few moments, to be real for a short time.
Friend, everyone went through a version of this. My own trials were no different. Nobody came to my aid. So I reached out to someone in the same kind of pain and talked to them. I had to take the initiative, but it worked so well it was better than a miracle drug.

We lessen our own pain by sharing it, and sharing those of others.

It sounds corny, but it worked. We are all waiting, wanting for someone to help, to listen. Extend your hand and touch them, bend your ear and listen, then see how it all makes your own troubles lighter. It is the way we are made, to be social creatures. To help one another.

As it is, you can tell me anything you want, I will listen and not judge you.

The person speaks the truth.
We all like to think we are alone and nobody cares or understands what we are feeling, but thats just your brain poisoning the mind with negativity. It's not true. Despite all of us technically being unique, we are at the same time very similar. We've all experienced pain, loneliness, suffering in one way or another. You are not alone.

hey, would you like to talk?

oh my gosh i know how you feel! im so sorry you have those feelings. You are your own person. Don't let the negative thoughts get you down. Although I totally know how that is...especially when you feel you have no one and you feel like you are so much worse than everyone. But it does get better! Life gets better and there is a reason you are alive. You are beautiful just for being a living and breathing person. I hope you can see the positive and start to recover from this dark feeling!

Dear Jassy,

I know how it feels like to be depressed. My first encounter with depression started when I was 21 years old. I thought I had a burn-out because I was overloaded with projects at work, but it wasn't a burn-out. One thing I noticed was that I could not think clearly and my mind went blank. I also sweat a lot all the time. Later, I resigned from that company and my parents took me to see a psychiatrist because I could not sleep for 5 nights in a row. The psychiatrist didn't say much and she prescribed me Prozac 20 mg. I only visited the psychiatrist once and never returned.

A couple months ago, starting last October 2012, I experienced the same symptoms. This time I didn't know why I cried all the time. I cried when I read my bible. I cried when I listened to other people's conversation. I could not get off of my bed. I lost weights rapidly. I didn't have appetite. I didn't know what to do. I quickly requested 1 month unpaid leave from my office and my boss granted me the permission to do so.

During the 1 month unpaid leave, I didn't get any better. I still cried. My newly wed husband took me to the mountains to get fresher air but traveling didn't work either. My husband and I fought a lot during that time. He told me I looked like a living zombie. I could not sleep for 2 months. My body was very tired but I could not sleep. When I closed my eyes, my mind wandered around. I had tried everything: listening to classical musics, aromatherapy, drinking milk before bedtime, and take sleeping pills made of traditional herbs. None of that worked.

So I went to see my parents and told me what happened. They also didn't believe that I had a depression (although I was pretty sure I had one when I googled the symptoms). Finally, my mother in law booked me an appointment with her friend, who worked as a clinical psychologist & hypnotherapist. I was very eager to see her because I wanted to sleep so bad and stop my crying. When I met her, we talked for 1 hour and she wrote a recommendation letter to her friend, who's a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with mild depression.

On the following week, I went to a mental hospital to meet this psychiatrist. Again, without any doubts, he said to me that I was having a mild depression. He also asked me whether I wanted to commit a suicide and I said yes...to be honest, I thought about this a couple times. He prescribed me Cipralex 10 mg (2x a day) and Xanax (1x before bed time). He wanted to see whether this was the right dose for me. He also told me to sunbathe every morning (before 10 am). He said the sun is a good source of Vitamin D, which is crucial to treat depression. That week, I was able to laugh a couple times and reduce my crying frequency. I only cried once or twice in a week. I slept a lot better too but I was still very sensitive to light and sound. With this medication, I was able to sleep 10 hours or more at night.

The following week, I went to see him again. He asked me how my feelings were and whether I got better or not. I told him that the progress was so slow. Although I could sleep but I didn't feel happy (yet). So, he added another 5mg of Cipralex, for a total of 15 mg per intake (2x a day) and Xanax (1x - bedtime). He prescribed me enough medication for 1 week. The following week I returned and told him that I could bake muffins (baking is one of my hobbies). I felt good about that because I knew I started to become the person I used to be. However, I still felt like I didn't get the expected results. He told me to be more patient with myself. He saw the progress in me. He later prescribed me 20mg of Cipralex (2x a day) and Xanax (bed time) for 2 weeks because of long holiday (christmas & new year).

In January 2013, I came back to visit him. I felt MUCH BETTER. I could put on make up and dressed up in a chic outfit. He told me he could see lights in my eyes & face. That was really good. He wanted to keep this dose for me because the dose worked well for me. Up to 2 months I took this medication and now I am cured!

When I visited him for the last time, he said that I had a biological depression, so my depression was not triggered by trauma or bad experiences in the past, but more to chemical imbalance in my braid (low serotonin level). Anyway, I don't have any regrets or become sad even after knowing the truth. I accept the fact because I believe God must have a reason for this. I believe depression can be treated and should be treated. There's hope for each and everyone of us.

i also tried to die, because of feeling so empty inside. If you need someone to talk to im here

How are you doing now?

glad to hear that!

Ifeel that way too. I constantly feel lonely and depressed. I have no one to turn to because I don't get along with my mom and I don't truly trust my friends. I believe in god but sometimes I have doubts. I know people have worse problems but it doesn't make my problems less painful. I occasionally thought of suicide and how my mom wouldn't care. What keeps me going is that fact that highschool will end and I can start over. I would be able to truly live my own life and take advantage of opportunitites. I would have freedom and be happy. That's my motivation. Positive thinking. I can be miserable forever...at least I hope not. I hope I helped

Jassy5521, how can I put this...I know that what you are going through is not just teenage hormones. There is something more within you that is happening. You keep fighting with yourself. Why do you fight? You are you, and Jesus Christ loves you. I can see that you are being overwhelmed with the darkness that closes in all around you. Gasping for air while the light within you is flickering dying out.

These scripture talks of Jesus In Isaiah 42:
"Look at my servant, whom I strengthen. He is my chosen one, who pleases me. I have put my Spirit upon him. He will bring justice to the nations. He will not shout or raise his voice in public. He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle. He will bring justice to all who have been wronged. He will not falter or lose heart until justice prevails throughout the earth. Even distant lands beyond the sea will wait for his instruction.

God, the LORD, created the heavens and stretched them out. He created the earth and everything in it. He gives breath to everyone, life to everyone who walks the earth. And it is he who says, I, the LORD, have called you to demonstrate my righteousness. I will take you by the hand and guard you, and I will give you to my people, Israel, as a symbol of my covenant with them. And you will be a light to guide the nations. You will open the eyes of the blind. You will free the captives from prison, releasing those who sit in dark dungeons."

Isaiah 53
Who has believed our message and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed? He grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him and by his wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth.By oppression and judgment he was taken away. And who can speak of his descendants? For he was cut off from the land of the living; for the transgression of my people he was stricken. He was assigned a grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death, though he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in his mouth.

Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the Lord makes his life a guilt offering, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand.After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light [of life] and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities.Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,and he will divide the spoils with the strong, because he poured out his life unto death,and was numbered with the transgressors. For he bore the sin of many,and made intercession for the transgressors.

Through Jesus Christ, He will send you His Spirit, and guide you into all truth, He will show you the reasons why you have been feeling the way you do, and that you are being affected by a spiritual battle that is being fought for your very soul.

In Ephesians 6:10-18 ;
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.

Jesus said in John 10:10; "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.

There may be alot of repressed things that you have bottled up inside your heart which is why you cannot let it go and react so angrily at the people who love you. Everything may seem so fake like if they are all just putting up a front when it is clear that everything is not aye ok. You are dying inside and I want to share with you this love, through a message/comment long enough for you to see that I care about you. I wish to give you a hug, and let you know that there is a way. Yea, I may not know what you look like, maybe I don't know your complete situation, but I have been there countless number of times, maybe if we one day passed each other we'd become best friends, I don't know. All I know is that these words are for you, for your comfort, and joy.

This gift I share with you is up to you to take and recieve; I cannot do this for you, you must willingly take this gift I present to you, the gift that was always there.

It was only 1&1/2 years ago that I had barely gotten out of my almost 10 year depression. In the last year of that depression I had tried to kill myself, but each time, God kept me alive another day longer, till I got saved. Now I am alive in Jesus. I live my life not for myself, but for Him. I owe my life to Jesus who saved me, through his word that he spoke to my heart and mind. He spoke to me,"through the valley of the shadow of death, fear no evil for I am with you" I looked it up and it turns out it was a scripture from the Holy Bible. Which means, though you are surrounded by evil and darkness, and are in the depths of despair and anguish because of this world, you are not alone because God is with you. He loves you and wants you to know that. He was always there for you calling out to you so that He could heal you and protect you, but only can this be done, if you willingly, ask Him to do this for you. He gave us freewill, therefore, He wouldn't force the free gift of His love upon anyone, just know that it is there for the taking.

He gave us this free gift that by believing in the Son of God, Jesus Christ, we are forever adopted into His everlasting kingdom in heaven. Through His Son, we are made sons and daughters of God, who is our heavenly Father. God, is our heavenly Father who only wants what is good for you, A Father, who will keep you in His peace and love a Father who will supply your needs. "Ask and you shall recieve, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened for you." You have a friend in Christ Jesus and our heavenly Father who was always there for you, you just gotta take that first step and ask Jesus Christ in you heart, and fill you with His light so that you be comforted, and that you be shown His love by how He knows you so well.

It may be hard to understand the spiritual things of God, so ask me whatever you need more clarity on. Jesus loves you. He wants to take away this burden you carry, and give you peace. Be encouraged my friend, it takes time to heal.

With love,
your friend- thehelps

I completely understand you.I have felt the same way since middle school I'm turning 19 tomorrow and I don't know what to do. I would be sad for no reason. I started cutting at around 13. Even when they try to be nice, I feel this rage and I don't know why. I see everyone around me being happy and smiling and I just go cry. I just want you to know that you're not alone. Don't end your life though. I needed this to know that I'n not the only one. Others need you to help them get though. That's why I didn't kill myself. Stay strong <3

do things that make you and only you happy. I dont care what it is whether its screaming crazily or eating something amazing, or watching your favorite movie. Then after doing that, just ask someone for help. Get a councelor, or a person who would listen to you. In fact, I will listen to you. Give me your email and you can email me all your problems and I can help you :)

Thank you for helping