Fear, Emotions, Sadness Beating Me Down.

I am 23, my name is Shaylene, I have suffered from anxiety and depression since i was about 12. My dad did too, in april 2011 my dad hung himself in his garage...After this I continued to drink heavily ( I am an alcaholic still struggling to stay sober). I was ashamed to show up at his funeral so hung over and going through withdrawls but I refused to be drunk for it...I could tell people there looked down on me. After going through the same cycle of feeling sorry for myself, drinking so much then goiing through horrible withdrawls, isolating and contemplating my own scuicide, I decided to go to detox and then rehab last september 2011. I was doing great! I felt so strong and healthy and happy in my own skin...Then I quit my job and fell down a slippery slope. Not having anything to occupy my time I began to get depressed again, and think way too much. I also relapsed about 3 times. I am in a great relationship now but I still cannot bring myself to get out and do anything or get a job....I don't know what to do I don't know why i stop myself from succeeding I don't know why I hate myself sooooo much!!!!!!! I am a good person with a huge heart but I ******* hate myself. Sometimes I wonder if i am destined to go down my fathers path or if there really is hope out there for me? because I am soooooo tired of feeling miserable,, I am so tired I just want to rest or feel happiness and self worth. I am sick of this!!
staffsh staffsh
22-25
1 Response Nov 28, 2012

Hi There, I want to thank you for sharing your story - its a hard one to read and an even harder one to respond to. I can't really say that I appreciate your situation because I haven't faced suicide (but I have faced the loss of loved ones) and I don't have an addiction. I do have a lot of experience of being close to addicts though. I am a North American native and substance abuse is a number 1 issue within these communities and I have had many relatives who have suffered from addictions.

I do do a lot to try to help myself and I have attended classes to try to make my life better and to manage better with the people around me like my wife, my kids and my co-workers. What I have learned and what I have been doing a lot of lately is helping others. In fact, if you study anything, religion, philosophy and I suspect addiction managment, you will find helping others has tremendous benefits on helping yourself. You eventually feel good about the people you have helped and you begin to feel good about yourself for helping them. Maybe you even start to feel that others depend on you so you should take care of so that you can continue to help them.

Here is an article about someone I was able to help lately.

www.kamazooie.com/profiles/blogs/6471104:BlogPost:6750

Take care, you too are a great person, we all are.

thank you for your response :) I was having a really bad few days but I forced myself to get out and think positive. I know I have been through this before so I think it's easier to understand what I have to do. But it is really nice to let it out there and hear from people who have been going through similar things.