Depressed With Bpd, Lost In My Relationship :(

Hi everyone...testing testing123....very new to this...sorry :)
I need a little feedback on my situation, if possible. I would greatly appreciate it!!!!

I am 18 years old and currently a freshman at college. About a year ago I was diagnosed with bipolar, but never really agreed with the diagnosis. My dad has severe bipolar, so I felt as if they didn't even take into account all of my symptoms, but strictly based the diagnosis off of my father. I believe I have bpd. Along with all of my current symptoms, and my troubled childhood, it seems spot on.
Anyway, this is what is going on right now. I've been with my current boyfriend for almost 3 years now. Around the time I was diagnosed, he left me; we ended up getting back together about a month later.

A year later (today) I love him more than ever before. He tells me everyday how much he loves me and how he would never leave me again, no matter how tough times got. I believe him, that is, about every other hour. For example, if I see him even talking to another girl, I go insane. I accuse him of loving her, wanting to be with her more than me, &&&& so much more. I yell and I hit him. I hurt myself, and threaten to end our relationship and kill myself. One second I am so deeply in love, and the next, I hate him with everything I have. Both him and I realize that I make this transformation several times on a daily basis. I don't know why he stays with me, I treat him so horribly. I feel so bad about it, yet I continue to do it.

For the past week, I have broken up with him everyday, and ended up getting back with him by the end of the day. Today, I tried to break up with him again for good. He got upset (which doesn't happen a lot), a punched the wall. That scared me and set me off. I began to hit my head against the brick wall, and cry hard. He immediately tried to settle me down, as I kicked and pushed him further away. Eventually, He was able to grab hold of me and embrace me and tell me everything will be okay.

This is a never ending cycle. I don't want to break up with him, I really don't!!! I say I want to when I get into those violent moods, but a couple minutes later I love him sooooo much. I know he will leave me again if I keep this up.
I'm so confused and lost.

Does anyone else experience this in their relationship??? Or am I alone? That is how it feels right now :/
jordooofull jordooofull
18-21, F
Nov 29, 2012