Weed, Bp And As.At the age of 37 I was diagnosed with AS of the spine, (ANKYLOSING SPONDYLITIS) and was told that depending on how much strain I put on my back I would be wheelchair bound or bed bound within ten years.
I have smoked Cannabis since the age of 16 to relieve the pain and generally enjoy myself.Went through a few years of alcohol abuse but preferred the smoke in the end.
At the age of 47 I decided my time was nearly up and that I would have to make changes, I switched my weed to White widow(home grown) became a recluse in my own home throwing myself into my p.c. music drinking and smoking.
I got rid of everything I owned,(4 bed roomed semi and all contents), relationship of some 20+ years I was sectioned and spent time in hospital awaiting assessment.The diagnosis was a Cannabis fueled psychotic event and that I was a manic depressive bi polar victim?
I then spent six months homeless, housed in a bail hostel. Eventually I received a single bed flat as accommodation, After a couple of years I smashed the flat up, all my possessions, keyboards p.c. etc. and left and went walkabout to Ireland where I spent a couple of months before getting sectioned again and flown home to g.b.
I eventually gained a one bed flat in a house of 37 flats, everyone lives behind locked doors and keeps themselves to themselves. Just like a
i have one acquaintance who is as mad as a hatter, he thinks the queen is his mother and Bronson his dad, I put up with his ranting because he is the middle man when I want drugs, still on weed.
I have no friends, not one.
I am as single as you can get and by turning my mind around I enjoy it most of the time, of course I miss human interaction but for the most part I can decide when, or if to do things, there is little pressure on me and I spend a lot of time enjoying bed rest.
Ten years on and I'm still upright and walking, no sign of paralysis yet, have experienced it a few times, the first time was frightening, I went to get out of bed and ended up with my head on the floor and my legs still in bed!
A few hours later and feeling returned to my legs so I do not panic too much when it occurs.
I have tried to live without my meds but relapsed, so now I take them unquestionably. Depression and lethargy and my opponents.
I am lucky to have my parents alive and every Sunday I spend a couple of hours with them, share a meal and struggle to make small talk.
I hate the Winter months, especially this year when we were cheated out of a Summer,(wettest on record). I have installed Sunlight bulbs in the front room and I think the brighter, whiter light helps during the dark days.
My night times are mainly listening to music and cruising the net.
I have read lots of stories on this site and I feel better that I haven't half the trouble that some members have, struggling to face their demons.
This year I decided I will stay at this address, it is secure and safe and no one gives a @@@@ if you smoke or inject or whatever.
I have spent some of my savings doing the flat up and buying art work etc. that pleases me I have tried to make my surroundings pleasant in the vain hope that my moods can benefit.
Before I was on meds I enjoyed the highs but since medication there has been very few highs just a mind numbing norm.
I was annoyed at splitting up with my partner but I couldn't let anyone live with me when I was manic.
I am now reasonably happy on my own, true I live a boring life but I am alive.
I am not scared of dying, I have lived and am ready for the inevitable.
If life as I know it becomes too intolerable I will have no qualms about ending it myself, so I am pretty much in control.
Sorry about the length, there is so much I have left out , but the above is the bare bones.
derekdob 56-60, M 2 Responses 5 Dec 3, 2012