Weed, Bp And As.

At the age of 37 I was diagnosed with AS of the spine, (ANKYLOSING SPONDYLITIS) and was told that depending on how much strain I put on my back I would be wheelchair bound or bed bound within ten years.
I have smoked Cannabis since the age of 16 to relieve the pain and generally enjoy myself.Went through a few years of alcohol abuse but preferred the smoke in the end.
At the age of 47 I decided my time was nearly up and that I would have to make changes, I switched my weed to White widow(home grown) became a recluse in my own home throwing myself into my p.c. music drinking and smoking.
I got rid of everything I owned,(4 bed roomed semi and all contents), relationship of some 20+ years I was sectioned and spent time in hospital awaiting assessment.The diagnosis was a Cannabis fueled psychotic event and that I was a manic depressive bi polar victim?
I then spent six months homeless, housed in a bail hostel. Eventually I received a single bed flat as accommodation, After a couple of years I smashed the flat up, all my possessions, keyboards p.c. etc. and left and went walkabout to Ireland where I spent a couple of months before getting sectioned again and flown home to g.b.
I eventually gained a one bed flat in a house of 37 flats, everyone lives behind locked doors and keeps themselves to themselves. Just like a
i have one acquaintance who is as mad as a hatter, he thinks the queen is his mother and Bronson his dad, I put up with his ranting because he is the middle man when I want drugs, still on weed.
I have no friends, not one.
I am as single as you can get and by turning my mind around I enjoy it most of the time, of course I miss human interaction but for the most part I can decide when, or if to do things, there is little pressure on me and I spend a lot of time enjoying bed rest.
Ten years on and I'm still upright and walking, no sign of paralysis yet, have experienced it a few times, the first time was frightening, I went to get out of bed and ended up with my head on the floor and my legs still in bed!
A few hours later and feeling returned to my legs so I do not panic too much when it occurs.
I have tried to live without my meds but relapsed, so now I take them unquestionably. Depression and lethargy and my opponents.
I am lucky to have my parents alive and every Sunday I spend a couple of hours with them, share a meal and struggle to make small talk.
I hate the Winter months, especially this year when we were cheated out of a Summer,(wettest on record). I have installed Sunlight bulbs in the front room and I think the brighter, whiter light helps during the dark days.
My night times are mainly listening to music and cruising the net.
I have read lots of stories on this site and I feel better that I haven't half the trouble that some members have, struggling to face their demons.
This year I decided I will stay at this address, it is secure and safe and no one gives a @@@@ if you smoke or inject or whatever.
I have spent some of my savings doing the flat up and buying art work etc. that pleases me I have tried to make my surroundings pleasant in the vain hope that my moods can benefit.
Before I was on meds I enjoyed the highs but since medication there has been very few highs just a mind numbing norm.
I was annoyed at splitting up with my partner but I couldn't let anyone live with me when I was manic.
I am now reasonably happy on my own, true I live a boring life but I am alive.
I am not scared of dying, I have lived and am ready for the inevitable.
If life as I know it becomes too intolerable I will have no qualms about ending it myself, so I am pretty much in control.
Sorry about the length, there is so much I have left out , but the above is the bare bones.
derekdob derekdob
56-60, M
2 Responses Dec 3, 2012

I wish you well you seem to have a good grasp :)

you make the best of what you are given, if god gives you lemons make lemonade

It's sad but, Thank you is the best best response I can come with.

Please don't be sad, my life isn't all bad. I get out when the sun shines!

I am sad that the best thing i can come up with is"Thank you". Your story is truthful, giving and meaningful. The story was unexspkably good, inspiring, helpful and well written, final thought "thank you". Being sad for you would not help you, Being thankful/trhuthfull might.

Appreciate that.