First Time Opening Up But I Had To Do This Depression Sucks

I need help this might seem pretty long but I just want to get everything out my head and put it on some paper
I'm going to turn 23 in about a week I do at a decent job I am grateful sometimes but most of times I have stress problems can't sleep pain and my joints I have back problems and constantly having to go To the doctors I really don't talk to most people around here I live in a quiet town moved from the city when I was 13 for some reason I have always thought I was just grown never really realizing my age I do have loving parents but I'm constantly arguing with some parents are arguing too so we never really get along and I can never express my feelings or tell them how I feel I do love them but most of the time I feel like none of us just have things in common I recently just lost my girlfriend that was with for four years we were constantly fighting and I'm always arguing for no reason I have been told this several times so I'm guessing I do have an anger problems most of the time I do argue a lot and sometimes don't want to a minute when I'm wrong We weren't going nowhere with our lives and she left me I try fighting for year to get her back and I felt like I put so much stuff to the side just because me wanting her back for so long stop talking to a lot of friends because me and her were so serious now I feel alone I sometimes try going out but it's hard because not knowing people and not wanting to go out by myself Several stupid thoughts have gone through my head another attempt nothing I've always just read other people and try to get myself out of it and it has work I hate the fact how life is sometimes I started drinking at one point thinking that was the right thing to do smoked for some time just thinking that will get away but then I just feel like I'm going to fall into depression again So there's times I smoke to forget everything I sometimes can never stay focused on certain task I wanted to so many things want to be an entrepreneur where I start my own business but I have issues with dyslexia I can barely read and write I have so much on my mind that I wish I can just write down and just express myself never went to college and failed most of high school and elementary I want to do so much and my life but I feel that I have a heavy cloud over me I stress about money constantly sometimes people judge me because they think that's all I think I'm constantly working and is on my mind all the time because I feel like because of my difficulties I have to work I sometimes tend to show off But I do help a lot of people lots of my friends that I used to talk to I stop talking to them because of using me for money The only way I can message people or have some type of social is through my phone I use voice to text or anything that can speak it back to me or that I can talk to and put everything out My parents think sometimes I'm just hardheaded and that's what it is but the difficulty that I have and all the stress sometimes just drives me nuts I have had two of my best friends passed away one passed away one in in a car accident right behind me other one talking to him on the phone I feel trapped and scared only going to work and back home I did start a business but I feel like sometimes I just lose focus and don't do it and get off-track and wanting to do other things. I feel like moving somewhere real far starting over and see where that goes but just the fear of being by myself scares me the most And because of my difficulties I feel like I won't go nowhere staying at my parents house at a very old age and just sticking to the same routine seen people around me at my job and see how their lives live and people getting laid off just everything around this is so scary I'm scared to actually open up to anyone Because I feel like they would put me in the home or just people look at me different as most of them already do
Life8923 Life8923
22-25, M
Dec 5, 2012