What Happened To My Life?

i am going to start off saying i know there are loads of people who have had a worser life than me, but peopel deal with things differently and as a child i have always been hypersenitive.
ok here goes....

hi my name is jeanette, nettie for short i am 18 and the youngest of 7 children. when i was born doctors discovered i had blood clots in half of my brain which ment half my brain was overtaking the other side which was causing me to have multiple fits a day due to this i'd turn blue from not being able to breathe. i was in and out of the hospital untill i was near enough a year. during the time in and out of hospital i have been told i died 2 times :/ wierd i know.... everything seemed fine back then i was able to think and do the same as other children with half a brain less.

from a very young age i developed asthma, and had attachment issues. everyone thought i was incredibly shy (story of my life). the only memories i have are not happy ones and i recon i may have suffered with PTS (post traumatic stress) as from 6-7 i cant remeber a thing. all i do know is when i was about 4-5 my best friend (my border collie) got given away to some lady who had a farm. i remeber that destroyed me, but i got reasured he'd have a better life with big fields to run in. My brother died when i was 6 and my great aunt and uncle (who i was close too, they always looked after me when i was ill) died when i was 7. i found thins out by asking my parents i remeber thier names but couldn't remeber a thing about them.

I found out a couple of months after my brother died we moved house,( i thought i was 8 when we moved apparently not.) we bought a boxer dog her name was tikka, when i started my new school i stuck by my cousin. i always had trouble making friends. i got bullied through primary school,middle school, high school and parts of college. during primary and middle school the only bulling i got was name calling. through high school i got taken the mick out of for the way i talk (i stutter sometimes, use my hands, and just the things i say and how i said them) but the thing that hurt most was the majority of people taking them mick out of me was my own friends :( i didn't think much of it at first but it came more and more frequent. i also got spat on and my 'friend' tried setting my hair a light during math. in college i made new 'friends' as i call them now, but these ones like before always wanted money or food so i gave them it ( i find it hard telling people no) and one 'friend' was 22 she was 5 years older than me and would find it fun to kick my shin and poke, punch and prod me ect during our college class.

when i was 9 we bought another boxer dog but this one was a puppie. her name was sassie. tikka got put down when i was about 10, she couldn't walk (kept losing her balance we had to carry her outside so she could go to the toilet) she kept getting ear infections and wasn't eating. eventhough all this pain she still seemed a happy dog. my parents told the vet we couldn't let her live in pain (when she got put to sleep i was at my sisters, i didn't know untill i came home. i didn't get the chance to say goodbye). sassie got put down last year a couple of week before christmas. i contuinally told the vet that the lumps on my dog could have been cancer but they kept saying it wasn't (boxer dogs are prone to cancer). my grandad died 26th novemeber 2012, i remember it like it was yesterday i was at his house with him when he died (he also had cancer) his funeral was a week after and 2 days after sassie got put down she kept having siezures, we still dont know what caused them but i know it killed me, i led in the vets beside her whilst they let her go into a deep sleep. and a couple of weeks ago my great uncle died of cancer.

i dont know how much more of this life i can cope with it seems to be filled with too much pain i cant talk to any of my 5 sisters or parents about how i feel because they don't understand. i get buillied by 3 of my sisters one uses black mail ect, and the other 2 emotionally, mentally abuse me (they dont know what that is.) my oldest sister has hit me when i was 12 she chased me into my room and hit me right across the face( my parnets wern't home, she was babysitting). i have been more scared of people since, she is over 22 years older than me!

Almost 2 years ago i got diagnosed with depression(i actually began having suicidal thoughts in middle school, and in high school tried putting myself in hospital and ingraved stuff in my arm with a pen ect) and socail anxiety. abit late i was finishing high school. the only reason my mum knew was because my sister jo (one of the nice ones) saw cut marks on my arms whilst i was babysitting. i have seen a theripist 3-4 times and completed each 6 week consultation. i suffer with paranoia as well. latley instead of cutting (everything sharpe was taken out of my room) i will punch, kick, elbow, knee and headbutt the wall. so then i actually have something to cry about my temper has gone out of control. i guess my family never and still doesn't know how to help me. when i cut i got shouted at same as if i had bruises which i'd make they didn't/don't know how to help. they think it is all for attention. which it aint. i broke down crying all the time as a child and still do know i want it all to stop.

sorry for it being long i cut it short

nettie1994 nettie1994
18-21, F
4 Responses Dec 13, 2012

You can talk to me. Let me be your dominant friend Don

I can definitely help you. You need an emotional caring one to help

I want to talk more with you. Do you have yahoo mess DominantDon

all of my 'friends' have dissapeard, and i have stupid fears like fears of talking on the phone, eating in public ect